Gotta pop in here, Z, to tell you that the ladies are correct. You need to strap on a pair of iron ones and tell her that it's you or the animals, and then be prepared to walk.
My W was involved with a dog rescue group and one time, we had 12 of them in the house. We lived in the country and could handle that many, and I participated in the operation. It took so much time and energy. I remember that I was the one who was "in charge" of letting them out the last time before bedtime. I had to keep a mental list of which dogs were safe to let out together, which needed to be leash-walked, etc. I also had to feed them, and many required medications, special food, etc. I was commuting at the time, so I was only at the house on weekends, so she would look to me to "give her a break" and basically take over operations. They were sweet dogs, don't get me wrong. But, in retrospect, it was something that I did only for her. We stopped doing rescue when we adopted our daughter.
I remember especially how upset I used to get when, after feeding them all day, and then letting them out last thing at night, I'd come back upstairs to find that W had gone to bed. I hated that. And this was during the time when I realized that my marriage with her was getting more and more sexless. I felt like I was making all these sacrifices to try to appear loving and attractive to her. But it didn't change my situation. I ended up feeling used.
She tried to bring a dog or two into our current house, and I was at the point where I said, "fine, but I am not going to feed or potty or let it out." I stood my ground and she ended up getting the dog adopted out quickly. She was p.o.'d for a few days, but it was worth it. Now, she doesn't even ask me if I'd mind taking a dog in. She knows that it would be without my support, against my wishes and that she'd end up doing all the work.
If you can't overcome your fear and just tell her "no," maybe you need to just get to the point where you just don't care.
I also recite these sayings, depending on the context: 1. I will not participate in you being pissed-off at me. 2. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, so damn well go ahead and do what I want. 3. What's the worst that could happen? 4. Will I be able to look in the mirror tomorrow if I just suck it up today? 5. I've been on my own before. It's not as horrible as I thought it would be. 6. Can I be a better parent away from her? (I said this last one in the context of my 1st marriage. My current marriage has never led me to this question.)
Just some stuff to think about, Z. Make today a better day than yesterday.
