OK, I’ve rolled this around for a while and here’s what I’ve come up with.
Quote: Many (although certainly not all) have little to do with you (rhetorical you). Some of you aren't dealing with sexual drive inequalities alone. You're dealing with ingrained, been this way for a long time, poor relational skills. For many of you divorce is against your religion. Many of you don't want to take the chance that you'll end up becoming an alternate weekends parent. To continue to couch your marriage in sexually-starved parameters is to ignore the very relational dynamics that result in this painful situation.
Spot on. I’ve been discussing my M exclusively in SSM terms. In fact, I believe that there are much bigger problems. Based upon a lot of things that would take pages and pages to adequately go into, I do believe that W has a serious sexual aversion completely separate and apart from me and our R. But I also believe that addressing the other problems could potentially impact her sex issues.
Quote: Bube, regarding the animals, I would suggest you start removing whatever facilitation you are currently providing. Kennels, food, vets, medicines, animal pickups, etc.
I don’t know that I could do that. Every animal we have now is a rescue. I have no problem with saying, “no more”, but once they’re here, I don’t know that I have it in me to toss them out. That may not help my case, but it is honest.
Quote: I wouldn't be able to tolerate a relationship that changes (and you do realize she is the one who keeps getting to determine what goes on) while leaving me totally in the dark, with no input and no redress. What you're dealing with is frankly a form of abuse. There is no connection between what you do and what you get. Your wife is making choices and living in a way that makes you pretty much a nobody in your own home.
It's your life too, Bube.
I agree with this completely, but I’m just barely beginning to get a handle on my being able to change it. I know that I need to set a boundary and take a stand, but I just don’t know where or how. Like I said before, I have thirty years of inertia propelling me down this path. Diverting from the established course is not only difficult, it’s so foreign to everything that’s happened in that thirty years that the change is downright scary.
Quote: You know you've got to get past the guilt of your affair. By allowing her to pursue whatever she wants while outright ignoring your requests with little or no regard for *you* to be considered in this marriage - you do her no service.
I truly believe that I am over the guilt of the affair. W hasn’t mentioned it in years and I really don’t even think about it any more except when I read stories like LFL’s.
Quote: While divorce may not be an option for you religious wise, there are no religious injunctions I know about in regards to separations. I think you were right to separate years ago, you just muddied it up by dragging a third person into the mix, and it would have been better to have occurred before your daughter was born.
Agreed. It’s just that in spite of everything, I do love W very much and I don’t want to leave.
Quote: To me, the overarching question is, "Do I want to be in a marriage to someone who doesn't appear to want to be married to me?"
Yes indeed. That is the question isn’t it? Apparently my answer is yes – which brings up the next logical question: why? I can’t answer that one right now.
As for asking her. If she would answer at all, she would say that she was happy and that everything was fine. I’ve tried it. I haven’t followed up with my list of what I think is wrong, and I know that I need to, but I have asked her if she’s happy with our M and what she would like to see change. It was a great convo: I found out that I was perfect and the M was perfect too.
