I said, “NONE” and made it very clear that I did not want to get any more dogs. So she went back that afternoon and bought one. A total lack of respect

No respect, no attraction. I cant put it any plainer.

it also shows how much she trusts you-- that you will not walk away or hurt her when she defies you

Lil I dont call this trust, I call it indifference and disrespect.

I heard our C tell W that she was, “a cruel, vicious, vindictive bitch”. W agreed with that assessment.

my x also has a tendancy towards--think badly of me and I will be bad. agreeing with this is not taking responsiblity.
She's taking you sooooo for granted, and yes, I believe she believes you won't leave. And if she does, and you won't, you've removed a lot of your bargaining power (I think).
GEL, he has shown no power, she cant respect him. There is so much work here to do ...

She’s way too fat, admits to being way too fat, complains about being so fat, and constantly tells me how much she hates being so fat, but she won’t do anything about it. She hates her teeth, she hates her hair, … She pretty much dislikes everything about her body both individually and as a whole.
ZB she doesnt love herself, there is no way she can let you love her. The animals dont care what she looks like, they need her.

mrs. nop.

Wow. Exactly.
You know you've got to get past the guilt of your affair. By allowing her to pursue whatever she wants while outright ignoring your requests with little or no regard for *you* to be considered in this marriage - you do her no service
I have been ruminating on this for a couple of weeks after reading ZB's PA thread, and trying to figure out a way to express this to him, after someone brought up the fact that he is carrying his guilt around like a bag of stones.
The man is the head of the household, and his mental state is what drives it and keeps the relationship together.
Holding on to your guilt is hurting your R, using it or allowing it to be a way for her to hold it over you is.....bad for your R.It is not being the man and doing what is best for you and the R. I think it is a place for you to start.

I think responsibility falls on the man.... R problems are our fault. I dont believe in D personnaly, but this is so out of hand.. I would go to the point of saying you need to set a bunch of boundaries... and put her out, not leave if they are not followed. Untill you have regained some of your power, you have no control in this sitch that I can see.

Why do you want to ML with someone who doesn’t want to ML with you”
I agree again Mrs. NOP. circular, defeatist, negative frame thinking. Not a decision. Not a solution. Not a way for a head of a house to behave.