Quote: The truth is that ever since I saw the “Why do you want to ML with someone who doesn’t want to ML with you” question raised on this board, I’ve been questioning myself and this R.
I personally don't see this as a productive question. I don't think it encompasses enough, is therefore limited in scope and leaves the answers obviously in a negative area.
You want to make love to someone with whom you are in an ongoing relationship. There are a myriad of reasons why a spouse doesn't want to have sex with you.
Sexual abuse. Rape. Emotional abuse. Inexperience. Self-centeredness. Resentment. Depression. Bitterness. Astronomically poor relational skills. Bad marital relationship. Relational power struggles. Unforgiveness. Poor lovemaking skills from one or both parties. Poor or non-existant good relationships nearby to pattern after. Poor body image. Excessive weight. Emotionally ill or retarded. Physically ill. Mentally ill. Combative & defensive. (spoiling for a fight).
There are some right off the top of my head.
Many (although certainly not all) have little to do with you (rhetorical you). Some of you aren't dealing with sexual drive inequalities alone. You're dealing with ingrained, been this way for a long time, poor relational skills. For many of you divorce is against your religion. Many of you don't want to take the chance that you'll end up becoming an alternate weekends parent. To continue to couch your marriage in sexually-starved parameters is to ignore the very relational dynamics that result in this painful situation.
Bube, regarding the animals, I would suggest you start removing whatever facilitation you are currently providing. Kennels, food, vets, medicines, animal pickups, etc.
I understand the reasons that you don't, because I'm guessing that while you may be committed to the marriage, there's that niggle in the back of your mind, that if you actually attempt to assert your needs, wants and expectations in this marriage without backing down and acquiesing, that your wife will slap *you* with a divorce.
I wouldn't be able to tolerate a relationship that changes (and you do realize she is the one who keeps getting to determine what goes on) while leaving me totally in the dark, with no input and no redress. What you're dealing with is frankly a form of abuse. There is no connection between what you do and what you get. Your wife is making choices and living in a way that makes you pretty much a nobody in your own home.
It's your life too, Bube.
You know you've got to get past the guilt of your affair. By allowing her to pursue whatever she wants while outright ignoring your requests with little or no regard for *you* to be considered in this marriage - you do her no service.
While divorce may not be an option for you religious wise, there are no religious injunctions I know about in regards to separations. I think you were right to separate years ago, you just muddied it up by dragging a third person into the mix, and it would have been better to have occurred before your daughter was born.
To me, the overarching question is, "Do I want to be in a marriage to someone who doesn't appear to want to be married to me?"
