DM - I didn't mean to say that you FORCED him to have an affair, but that certainly your lies and infidelity probably triggered it - most of us here who have been cheated on know what it feels like to secretly wish to have a "revenge" affair, to make our spouses feel what we are feeling. I'm guessing that's how he started.
And I'm not bashing you - just trying to point out that your motivation in trying to find out if he still cares for you may not have HIS best interests at heart. After all, he's fathered a child now, has an obligation to that child, and is probably trying to work that relationship out. Do you think it will help him on that path if you show up telling him you still have feelings for him? Will you possibly catch him on what would normally be a temporary bad day, and turn it into an opportunity for him to ruin his R with the mother of his child?
My H's old girlfriend decided to reveal her "feelings" to my H by going to his bedroom and seducing him the night before our wedding. It has taken 20 years to work the fallout out of our marriage.
So I'm really not bashing you, just asking you to take responsibility for your part in this marital breakdown, and be responsible towards your H. There's an innocent child involved now. Don't let your feelings and needs lead you to do something destructive to that child's chances for a happy life with two parents.
And no, very little bashing goes on on this board. Lots of truth-telling, though, because we all know that, in order to get the painful work done on ourselves that needs to be done, we need friends who will tell us the truth, not cheerleaders.
