I used to post a couple of years back when I was going through my D. I am back now because I have made alot of realizations and now have questions.
Quick Background
m-28 exh - 26
We were married for a year to the date that he left. Our relationship was great until we were married. My parents do not communicate too well and I didnt really learn skills that I needed to be in a successful marriage. About 3 months after we were married I began to go out alot with friends, to bars ect. I didnt keep the house up, and began to have intimacy issues. In fact, me and my exh went a month without having sex. He told me many times what he needed from me and I didnt hear it at that time.
I came home one day and found a personal ad on the computer that he had done. I was devestated and confronted him. He was also very distraught and promised that he would have never actually done anything and he would go to counseling with me. Well, counseling never happened and we both tried to act like we were happy.
I guess deep down I never got over that and had sexual relations 3 times with 2 different people (people I knew.) I never had sex but no cheating is ever justified imho.
I have denied this to EXH to this day. He suspected it and when I think back to the way I treated him it makes me want to get sick.
I started to come out of my "fog" about a month before our 1st anniversay. We had planned on having a child and he was upset that I had changed my mind and wanted to wait a year before we tried. So, after alot of thinking I decided I was ready. The problem was, he was not now. He said we werent financially stable yet and yada yada yada. It was about this time that I had my "awakening" that I noticed he was very withdrawn. Did not want to spend time with me and came home late from work everynight. I knew in my heart that he was having an affair b/c he was doing the exact same things to cover it up as I was. Turning my cell phone off, saying I was one place but was at another. He kept denying there was anyone else.
He came home one night and was miserable I finally told him if he was that unhappy then leave. He left and told me that night he'd been unhappy for months, married too young, was depressed, you name it he said it. I begged pleaded with him to come home, it made him stray farther.
He did come home for a week but was very unhappy. He went to a C and she was not pro-marriage. He came home saying she said he had to leave to be happy. It was awful.
To make a long and painful story short. I did end up catching him with OW, still denies it. He got an apartment with her, lost his job, and now has a child with her. We are now D.
I found this site a little late. I DB my butt off which did help to postpone the D. When he left he was very angry, said I ruined his family, hurt him too badly. He told OW and most of the city that I was a whore. It got bad. He wanted a D asap. As soon as I backed off and stopped contacting him he became less angry. He wasnt too rushed to get a D b/c everytime I spoke with him he didnt have time to do it. I actually went 3 months without speaking with him. He eventually did call and we filed together. It was the most painful day of my life and I am sure for his. Court wasnt much better. I went along with the entire thing and he basically gave me everything, furniture, house, ect. I later found out that OW found out she was pregnant around this time. Maybe even that week.
I havent spoken to him for months. We have been D for over a year. During that time I have stayed very close with SIL. My MIL died suddenly so I did see him and OW there. I hear about his life from SIL and it doesnt seem that he is happy. He is engaged to OW, gave her a ring when he found out she was pregnant, but no moves to get married. Family doesnt really like her, I guess shes a party girl and takes no care of the baby.
I am currently in a relationship myself but am having a hard time moving on. I have extreme guilt for what I had done and am not so sure what he did he did out of his own will or b/c he felt he had to. There is really no need to talk to him b/c we do not have any children, however, SIL always calls and asks if I am still with my current BF and talks about exh. In the back of my mind I am wondering if she calls for information.
I guess my question is how do I know that he is not having second thoughts? or did have them but b/c OW became pregnant couldnt come home. I do love my current BF but for some reason cant seem to move forward with him until I know for sure that there was never a hope for reconciliation. I guess I am struggling with having no closure. I am sorry that I rambled in this post and probably left out alot of things my mistake.
Quote: I guess my question is how do I know that he is not having second thoughts? or did have them but b/c OW became pregnant couldnt come home
Even if he IS having second thoughts - IMHO, you need to keep out of his life. He has a child now, and an obligation to that child - and the best thing for that child is an intact family.
Yes, I might feel differently if you had been the perfect wife and she had seduced your H - but face it, YOU started the infidelity ball rolling in your marriage. In fact, you are probably primarily responsible for where your poor H is now (if he's unhappy) in that his affair was probably a REaction to your infidelity and lying, and now he's stuck with a woman that he probably didn't spend a whole lot of time picking out.
Still, if they ever have a chance of working it out, it probably WON'T be from you coming around and dangling yourself in front of him again.
If you feel you mUST speak with him so you can gain closure, then why not do so by telling him the truth? "Dear H, I just wanted to apologize for everything I put you through. I lied to you and wasn't truthful about my infidelities. I really regret everything and hope you will have the happy life you deserve."
There are probably many different opinions on what to do here. My personal opinion is that until you resolve things it isn't fair to your bf to hold onto your XH. There is no way of knowing what your XH is thinking or doing. Trying to interpret action or inaction is entirely speculation. The only way you would know is to talk to him. Usually I would suggest that you let your X take the initiative and make contact if he is going to. In your case, I guess I would suggest calling him, make small talk, and catch up on his life. Perhaps during the convo he'd say something that confirmed he was over you, in love with this new woman, and fully intending to marry her. At that point I would suggest letting go and moving on with your own life.
That being said, part of me thinks that it's not fair to him or his fiancee' to check on whether he still has feelings for you. He's the father of her child and I guess if they have a chance to make a family I wouldn't want to be the one to stand between them. I guess as long as you could confirm he's happy and content with his new life it would probably be okay to contact him, just for closure. And if he says "I'm not over you. I still love you." then I don't know what to say.
But this is hard advice to give. Hopefully others have an opinion. In a perfect world everyone involved would live happily ever after.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks la_esperanza for your advice. I know it is hard to give advice in my situation. It is in inner battle I struggle with everyday. I think that I have learned from my mistakes and I am confident this will never happen again in future relationships. I dont think I can contact him directly. I may just feel things out with my SIL.
KML - I came here for support and advice, not to be bashed for what I had done. I am verywell aware of what I did to ruin my marriage and have to live with that everyday. But, to say that it is my fault he chose to leave for OW is entirely wrong. He made his own decisions, noone forced him to do that.
One of the reason I stopped coming to this webside was b/c there was alot of bashing instead of understanding. I was hoping that things had changed but apparantly not.
DM - I didn't mean to say that you FORCED him to have an affair, but that certainly your lies and infidelity probably triggered it - most of us here who have been cheated on know what it feels like to secretly wish to have a "revenge" affair, to make our spouses feel what we are feeling. I'm guessing that's how he started.
And I'm not bashing you - just trying to point out that your motivation in trying to find out if he still cares for you may not have HIS best interests at heart. After all, he's fathered a child now, has an obligation to that child, and is probably trying to work that relationship out. Do you think it will help him on that path if you show up telling him you still have feelings for him? Will you possibly catch him on what would normally be a temporary bad day, and turn it into an opportunity for him to ruin his R with the mother of his child?
My H's old girlfriend decided to reveal her "feelings" to my H by going to his bedroom and seducing him the night before our wedding. It has taken 20 years to work the fallout out of our marriage.
So I'm really not bashing you, just asking you to take responsibility for your part in this marital breakdown, and be responsible towards your H. There's an innocent child involved now. Don't let your feelings and needs lead you to do something destructive to that child's chances for a happy life with two parents.
And no, very little bashing goes on on this board. Lots of truth-telling, though, because we all know that, in order to get the painful work done on ourselves that needs to be done, we need friends who will tell us the truth, not cheerleaders.
I know I can be blunt. (Although I prefer to think of it as direct ). But all of us who have been here a long time know, that it's the people who will call us on our BS that help us grow the most. And, different opinions help all of us to see things in different lights - after all, we come here to get opinions, right, not just to have our own world view parroted back to us?
I totally understand DM's desire to see if her ex still has feelings for her - I just think that it is unfair, in this situation, to act on that desire to the potential detriment of his child. The whole situation is sad, tragic really, but I don't see how reconciliation now would lead to anything but more tragedy.
When I first read your post, I thought what a sad and hard lesson to learn. Unfortunately, we have all have had to learn a painful lesson or two. I think the best thing to do would be to learn from your mistakes and try to treat the next person you are with (BF) with respect and honesty. You can make up for the past by living a honest life as best as you know how from now and in the future.
Personally, I would never be the type to call up an ex (even ex-husband) if he were in a committed relationship. It would just be causing to much drama and heartache. I am so sick of drama believe it or not.
Perhaps in the future you both may be single and meet up again one day. I am grasping for straws here I know, but you never know.
I understand that you were only trying to help. I really do value everybodys opinions on what I should do. However, I also came here for support. I know what I did wrong and I made some drastic changes in my life b/c of it.
It is very hard to post as someone who was the initial WS. I dont expect anyone to feel bad for me. I guess the hardest part I am dealing with is that I know what it is like to be in the "fog" and can relate to what my exh did.
I know there is another child right now. I do not have anything against the innocent child. Right now the mother goes partying, doesnt take care of the child, and is immature. I know it sounds like what I did. My SIL said she got pregnant on purpose b/c I was trying to have a child at the time and she wanted to get out of her house. She comes from a very bad environment, parent does drugs with her friends, she drinks alot, and she doesnt have a job right now. I am not blaming her for what happened b/c my exh played a part also. I guess you are right in that I shouldnt interfere. I honestly believe that they are going nowhere. His family is urging him not to marry her and FIL said to take the baby and get the hell out of there and come back to me. (he can be a bit dramatic sometimes). I dunno, I guess I'm just looking for some different ways of looking at it.
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