They say "time heals all wounds." Perhaps that's what's happening here.
Certainly, our various orthopedic issues are winding down. My leg is now out of its brace; my wife's foot has been surgically repaired, and is healing well, perhaps even better than expected. And, a few nights ago, she startled me...by bringing up the sex issue again.
It seems she was watching that show on Oxygen, Talk Sex With Sue Johansen, and Sue gave some advice to a couple who was in a similar situation to ours (i.e., not having had sex for years). She recommended a slow approach to re-establishing their intimacy. I didn't see this program for myself, but here's the idea, as related to me by my wife:
For the first couple of months, once a week, they would lie down together, naked, and just hold each other, no touching of naughty bits, not even kissing, for about 5 minutes per encounter. Then, the next two months, they would continue these encounters, but add ordinary, non-deep kissing to the mix. Then, for the following two months, they would continue, but now engaging in deep kissing. (If there were any stages involved beyond this, my wife didn't outline them.)
My wife suggested that we should try this technique, and she is willing to do so, starting in October. (This would give her the rest of this month to continue healing her foot and maybe squeeze in initial appointments with either a GYN or a psych, or both.) I have agreed; Sue Johansen is definitely an expert on the subject, and I'm willing to trust her judgement. My wife asked me if I would be able to handle this; I believe that I can.
Now, what I'm coming here and asking about is, has anyone here heard of this technique? (Maybe someone was watching that same program, and can provide further enlightenment, perhaps on details my wife or I didn't get?) What's your evaluation of the technique? And yes, I know some of you are probably thinking, "But, arjnex, doesn't that mean that it'll be next April before you even have the possibility of ML with your wife again?" Well, yes, but "next April at the earliest" is a whole lot better than "TBD," if you know what I mean. (And, no, I am not going to try to speed up the process. It's important for me to establish that I can hold back and just follow the process as outlined. Of course, if she starts feeling like accelerating the process, I would probably ask "Are you sure?" and then go along with her. But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for that to happen.)
So, on the surface, not much has changed...but at least we have a plan. (Hence the new topic title.)
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Didn't see the program. However, there is a very similar technique described on the "Marriage Builders" website. It is under: How To Overcome a Sexual Aversion. Hope that helps. Good Luck to you.
Introduction:Sexual compatibility is very important in most marriages. On rare occasion I find a couple happily married without any sex whatsoever, but in most cases, the quality of sex determines the quality of marriage. When a couple's sexual relationship begins to suffer, the marriage is usually suffering. But when a sexual relationship is thriving, the marriage is also thriving.
Usually it's the husband who has the greatest need for sex, but that isn't always the case. I am finding ever increasing numbers of wives who need sexual fulfillment more than their husbands. However, whether it's the husband or the wife with the greater need for sex, the one with lesser need is at risk for a sexual aversion.
In an effort to satisfy the spouse with the greater need for sex, the spouse with the lesser need often sacrifices his or her own emotional reactions. Instead of sex being an experience that they both enjoy together, sex becomes enjoyable only for the one with the greatest need. And it can become a nightmare for the other spouse. In all too many marriages, sacrifice leads to a sexual aversion, which, in turn, leads to no sex at all.
This column will help you overcome a sexual aversion if you suffer from it. But even if you don't, it may help prevent you or your spouse from becoming its victim.
Here's the rest of the article. Sort of interesting. It's from the POV of an LDW.
LustForLife, I found it here. That's a very thorough technique, from all appearances, and, if my wife starts balking at the technique she initially suggested (which starts at a "higher level" but involves a longer process), I'm going to recommend that to her.
I should do a quick scan through that whole section of the site; finding one good idea like that may lead to other ideas. Thanks for the pointer!
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
I'm going to 2nd what Lou said to you...just do it, don't ask, just try it. You're being too timid again Women need to see confidence in a man...it's an attractive quality arjnex. By asking her for permission to do things such as this you come across tooooo timid.
Been wondering how things had been going with you.
Ah, Greeneyedlass, I knew you wouldn't let me down.
I was referring to a situation that might come up, for instance, where we'd be in Stage I (holding) and she were to start kissing me, which would nominally be part of Stage II. I'd want to make sure that she really wanted to be doing that before I joined in.
Actually, that sounds silly, doesn't it? If she didn't want to be doing it, she wouldn't have started, now would she? I suppose what I'd really be trying to make sure of was that she was doing it because she wanted to, not out of some sense of "obligation" to me.
Actually, that's probably silly, too, isn't it? I suppose that, should that situation ever come up, I should just roll with it...and then, afterwards, try to determine whether this was just a one-time thing or we were actually skipping up to the next stage. But I am trying to figure these kinds of things out in advance, so I don't get caught flat-footed in mid-act, so to speak.
Greeneyedlass, you must have read the first post where I outlined this plan. Do you think it has a chance of working?
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Sure it has a chance of working if you are both willing to do this. But, as you've already noticed you are looking for a guarantee that you won't be rejected before you try anything....THAT will slow down the process. At some point (if she's not already there) if you do that, she's going to tire of you seeking approval before you act.
It's perfectly understandable how someone who has been rejected would want to know ahead of time that they won't be rejected...but arjnex be wary of constantly seeking her approval or asking for her permission, that behavior often make a man look weak in a womans eyes...and men who have to ask permission constantly from their W/GF often lose that woman's respect.
Sure, take things slowly with her...but you've already stated the best thing you can do....roll with the situation. If you you two are kissing and you feel like trying to take it further, try it...if she doesn't want to she will let you know. BUT, you might be surprised to find she's wanting you to be more aggressive too. Naturally I'm not saying jump right into that....but you will know how the situation feels, so go with it. You know her signals if she's into something, go with it.
Well, Greeneyedlass, I don't plan on constantly asking her permission...but neither do I plan on trying to push things. I'm going to stick to the plan, respond in kind if she escalates beyond plan levels, but let her dictate that pace (without explicitly saying so).
I'm not going to press for premature escalation, but, if she makes a move in that direction, I'm going to cooperate.
I'm not going to press for longer encounter durations, but, if she feels like staying cuddled for 15 minutes instead of 5, I'll disregard the clock and stay with her.
I'm not going to press for higher encounter frequency, but, if she feels like doing the exercise two or three times a week instead of one, I'll gladly peel down and join her on the bed as many times as she's willing to grant.
Mostly, right now, I'm trying to figure out the brass tacks of how this should work, i.e., do we set up a preset day and time each week for the exercise? What happens if she's sick that day? I figure the venue for the exercise should be on the bed, under the covers; that'll become more necessary as we head into the winter months. Should we light candles, have soft music playing, or what? And should we do some discussion afterwards, to share our feelings about the exercise, once we've gotten up and put our clothes back on? At least some of these questions will have to be answered by my wife, and we're obviously going to have to have a sit-down beforehand to hammer this out. I was hoping that someone here might have seen the same show my wife did, so they might know if Sue Johansen went into more details than I presently have.
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Women need to see confidence in a man...it's an attractive quality arjnex. By asking her for permission to do things such as this you come across tooooo timid.
I suppose that, should that situation ever come up, I should just roll with it...and then, afterwards, try to determine whether this was just a one-time thing or we were actually skipping up to the next stage. But I am trying to figure these kinds of things out in advance, so I don't get caught flat-footed in mid-act, so to speak.