Building Bridges

[cinemanymph]

Thank you Karen,

I can see how that particular journey would leave you numb and weary. It is good that you feel compassion for a man who disappointed you. I hope I can summon some compassion for my H should it come to that.

I just don't know how long I can stay here with my dignity and integrity intact. If I thought that this was as bad as it was ever going to get, I would give it a shot, but I think that this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as what my H is capable of saying is concerned. I am afraid that he will direct some terrible comment towards the kids. Maybe he'll regret it afterward, but you can't take some things back. The indictment my H has handed down re: FIL is more painful than dealing with child molestation. I just don't know how to go about overcoming this.

[karen1]

Cinema,

Can you yet answer the question of whether it is more painful to stay or more painful to go? If you can think and feel this one through it might help.

Divorce 101. Picture your day without him in it. Picture negotiating about kids and money over the phone when he has absolutely no reason to give in to you (because you arent' married anymore). Picture that you can now hang up on him if he is rude or unreasonable but that if you do then future co-parenting will be a problem. Picture that he will find someone else someday who will have some influence in your children's lives. (In my case, it is good because ex-H picks nice co-dependent women who are good to my children). See what I mean?

The contrast. What if your sitch stays exactly the same. Can you live with it? What if it does (as you predicted) get worse? What horse does he still have in this race? Does he still love you? The kids? Does he have a motivator or reason to do better?

What are third options? Individual and marital counseling? Separation?

There are no easy answers. Divorce is not an answer to all the problems and all the pain because it brings plenty along with it. That being said - my children are doing very well, they miss their Dad but they continue to do well socially, academically and behaviorally. I don't believe in saying that they are "children of divorce" and all that goes with it. They are children who have the benefit of being loved by two parents and a step parent. Their life was not made worse by the divorce, it was somewhat bettered although I doubt they think so. They may understand it someday but for now they just think that both of us failed.

Karen

[honeypot]

Cine,
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I wish I could help.

I am wondering if professional counseling would help you two overcome this?
It is such a terrible thing to say to another person, I can see how it would breed resentment for years.

Does your H deal with his grief and anger over losing his father by being mean to you? If so, that is just sad.

In my book, any person who would open their home to an ailing parent (or in-law) is numero uno!

xo

[Chrissy]

Cin.

The job is part time working on a farm in the market area.
During pumpkin season the schools bring kids to tour the farm/petting zoo and such. Then on the weekends familys come for hayrides and petting zoo. It has a fresh food/country gift market and I am working in that area.
Not quite what I am used to as in a job. But I use to have a small farm so that part is easy for me. It pays squat but just trying to get some desire back to do something anything at this point. I have had to convince myself to get up and go every day so far. But every day I do go is a small victory for me right now. I know that sounds silly.
But I have been drained of drive to do things for months now. Always thinking of the hassel it may cause has just made me sit around and do nothing and even loose the want to.

I agree with you saving up just in case. I to have been trying to do this. I had given my mom 500.00 over the course of a few months when I was still getting unemployment just in case I had to leave real quick. But my older sister drained me of about 300.00 of that. I have tried to stash anything I can spare since but have not gained much wealth lol. Something always comes up.
I figure if life takes a heck of a turn and things get better here well my H and I can take a vacation on what ever I have nested away later. Better safe then sorry though.

I am really sorry that things are so bad for you right now. I hate that you worked so hard to get your desire up only to have this now between you and your H.

Hope you had a good day and enjoy the evening.

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy said,

I have had to convince myself to get up and go every day so far. But every day I do go is a small victory for me right now. I know that sounds silly

It's not silly at all. Having some worth outside the home is very important. Everyone wants to be told they are doing a good job, and often SAHMs are left out of that particular pleasure.

I have changed my mind about getting a raise. Every day is an opportunity to learn more about all aspects of the bakery business so that I may start my own business some day. If I keep the focus on that, I can't lose. My coworkers are all convinced that their way is the best way to do things and I have learned at least three different ways to do each of the duties I am responsible for. I think that is great, I have alternatives that people who are taught one way to do things don't have and it gives me an opportunity to work out my adaptability muscles. I take on jobs that no one else wants to do and hope to learn from them. I'm making friends quickly, althought that's nice, that is not my objective. Business owners have to be willing to do the jobs no one else wants to do, so I may as well get a good handle on that. I am getting better at the cake decorating with every one I do.

I'm finding the real currency in the work place is respect with the payoff being dignity. I figure the people who deserve it least are the ones who need it most. I have had the priviledge of watching this particular tenet in action several times during my short employment. It's some pretty heady stuff to watch a coworker feel great about the job they are doing. Although the pay is minimal and I never could support my family on what I am making, I am learning and getting paid while I do it and for that I am grateful.

On the home front, things are looking rather bleak. The ownere of H's company died this past week and there looks like there might be some major changes at H's workplace.

karen,

I am taking to heart the picture you paint of divorce. I am not so sure I want to deal with that or not. The fantasy I have is that I will never have to deal with H again, I will pay my own bills and never take anything from him (I think this is the fantasy H is having too, that and being able to go off with his buddies fishing and golfing whenever he likes). I think H is trying to get me to kick him out so that he has leverage in the courts so he doesn't have to pay child support, that and he won't be the bad guy in a very unprivate small town. Thanks for the reality check, karen.

Thank you HP for the kind words. They help me sustain me during dark days.

H and I had another conversation about his dad last night (which I brought up, again). H still believes I should have been on top of things with his dad. I don't know if Hs long standing never apologize school of thought is coming into play here, or if he really believes it. I told H that I was having a hard time wanting a man who thought that I was disrespectful and negligent to his dad. I believe in my heart that my FIL is ok with our decision to bring him here against his wishes (he wanted to be at home when he died). The hospital would not release him if he was going to be alone and no one volunteered to stay there with him (H is the youngest of 6), so we moved him in here. I don't know how to describe this without seeming a bit over the rainbow, but, I felt FILs presence here and and just knew he is ok with our decision. I was filled with a peaceful feeling and got the first restful sleep I have had since my H leveled that terrible comment at me a month ago.

H is another story, however. Our tenth anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks and I can't see any reason to celebrate. Hs MO is to say something shockingly mean and then be ultra nice for a week or two afterward. This time I am not buying it, I am insisting that we talk about it and work it out and H doesn't want to. I keep telling him that if we could just come to some common ground on something, anything, and begin to work together on it that we would be better off as a couple and a family. H won't see anything my way. He doesn't want to hear any suggestions from moi, he is so convinced that I can't possibly be right that anything I say is discounted before I even complete the thought. Anyone have any advice for dealing with this type of behavior?

[Lillieperl]

cine wrote

I think H is trying to get me to kick him out so that he has leverage in the courts so he doesn't have to pay child support, that and he won't be the bad guy in a very unprivate small town.

I think these days in a divorce, judges want to do what is financially best for the children. The idea of punishing the W for kicking out the H by denying child support sounds kind of old-fashioned to me. Have you consulted a lawyer just to find out what your rights/options are?

I think that when the time comes, you will know what to do. The fact that you aren't sure yet means (to me) that the time is not right to make a move one way or the other.

[Chrissy]

My coworkers are all convinced that their way is the best way to do things and I have learned at least three different ways to do each of the duties I am responsible for. I think that is great,

As long as the end result is the same it can be wonderful to know more then one way and derive your own method from it.
Where I am working it seems there are two many chiefs and not enough indians. It can be confusing as hell.

Business owners have to be willing to do the jobs no one else wants to do, so I may as well get a good handle on that.

Great attitude.
You are one step ahead of me. When I opened my store I realized not only did you have to be able to do anything. In the begining you pretty much have to do everything yourself.

On the home front, things are looking rather bleak.

I am sorry to hear that I was hoping things would be leveling off for you. So they could start taking a upwards swing.

H won't see anything my way. He doesn't want to hear any suggestions from moi, he is so convinced that I can't possibly be right that anything I say is discounted before I even complete the thought.

This would have to suck. No advice on how to deal with it.


Hope this week goes better for you

[LostGal]

I know you're not holding a grudge. But I have also learned that for some odd reason guys are so clueless and almost never see the world the same way as gals do. It may be that he doesn't even know why you're "off".

Possibly you could say something to lead into the subject, leaving room to walk out of it. Like maybe "Does xyz make you happy?" "Why did xyz make you so angry?" Not really demanding an appology, he may feel no appology is necessary, he may not see it from your point of view at all. It needs to be talked about.

[LostGal]

Cine, you seemed to be coming along so well at the beginning of the summer. I'm so sorry for you. LP hit things on the head when she discussed your changes and your H's reluctance to grow. LP is a very wise lady!

Taking the responsibility for an invalid FIL, I think is the problem. The strain is too much. If I read correctly, your H is the youngest and really valued dad. Having him in a hospice environment is working on him and that's the problem. The loss of his family infront of him, yet giving you the responsibility, for he can't/won't do it.

What't your FIL's diagnosis and life expectancy? Ok that's cold and caloused but very important. Do you have the patience, strength, desire to keep things glued together till FIL is gone? Will the turmoil at H's work effect you insurmountably? Your situation is not a good one.

You are a great person from what I know and IF you can get thru this, you may find "the guy you married" at the other end if he steps up to these challenges. I sence he's not realistically looking at his dad's health and his job.

Is there any other guy/counsellor HE could see?