Building Bridges

[Chrissy]

Cin,
Glad the job is working out. Sorry the H is being a ass.
Maybe our H's are long lost brothers.
I started a job yesterday. Had to work this morning came home to the H acting like he is all dying and such. Men.

Cin the question you asked is up to you. Do you think there is salvagable within your marriage. And do you want to continue to try. You know your family and friends just want you to be happy and they are not seeing that happening with your H. So take there advice as to be loving gestures but nothing more.

Hope you have a good weekend

[Lillieperl]

Cin, when you got married, you were a certain way. That was what your H signed on for. That was the deal you and he made. Then you changed... and grew... and started to like yourself and be happy and go after happiness.

You broke the agreement... you invited him to step up to the new level with you and he has declined. By changing, you have pushed him way outside his comfort zone.

Ask yourself, how is he with change in other areas in general-- house, job, etc.?

Do you see him making any attempts to relate to the new you (the Real You)?

When change presents itself (or hits him in the head with a brick), does he make a fuss at first and then adjust, or does he fight it tooth and nail and never give in?

What about the financial problems?

What about his drinking? Any changes in these areas?

Can you list the positives and negatives about looking at a future with him? What's your prognosis for him?

It could be, too, that leaving will be the final thing that makes him see that he has to get with the program.

[InherJourney]

CN.... I had to go back to your old posts to catch up, and saw the " Seeker of Enlightenment" which just made me smile.

Your H is reacting to your recent changes...you've become healthier, stronger and have a better capacity for intimacy, and he is thrown off course. He's being ugly and selfish, trying to reassert control here so he doesn't have to change. I know it must be hell living through it but stay on course....you deserve a chance at health.

Your fellow seeker, IHJ

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,

Congrats on your new job. What are you doing?

I find that going off to work has given me a new confidence. The other day I even agreed to take on extra responsibility and told my boss that I wanted to be compensated for it!! He turned me down, but ya can't blame a girl for trying. I can't believe that I asked for a raise two weeks in .

H is having a problem adjusting to me working, but he is the one who pressured me to get out there and get a job. I agree with you, Lil, and IHJ that he is having trouble adjusting to the changes, even though he is the one who was pushing me to change. I guess he has to be careful what he wishes for.

Lil,

Ask yourself, how is he with change in other areas in general-- house, job, etc.?

H wants everything to stay the same, unless it's something that I have to make the effort to change. I mean he has lived in this town all his life, had all the same friends since kindergarten, has worked at the same job in the same company since the late '70s. He makes no effort to make any new friends, take classes to expand his horizons, or would ever consider living somewhere else. He just refuses to entertain any new ideas or any change that requires effort/discomfort on his part. I admit that this rootedness is one of the things that drew me to him. His parents were married for 59 years, until MIL passed away. I moved several times a year and lived in an environment of uncertainty. At any given time, I didn't know where or with whom I would be living.

Do you see him making any attempts to relate to the new you (the Real You)?

I have noticed him, on occasion, override his what I call the why bother attitude (he will b!tch about something I do and when I make a suggestion as to how I can change or fix the problem, he says, "why bother" and doesn't give me an opportunity to fix things) and try to listen to my suggestions. I haven't noticed any other changes.

When change presents itself (or hits him in the head with a brick), does he make a fuss at first and then adjust, or does he fight it tooth and nail and never give in?

H is from the fight it tooth and nail school of thought. I am so confused, because these are changes that he has pushed for.

What about the financial problems?

I've tried to bring this up repeatedly, I have offered to sit down with him and go over everything and make a plan for getting out of debt. He just doen't want to.

What about his drinking? Any changes in these areas?

He hasn't done any drinking since his golf league ended.

Can you list the positives and negatives about looking at a future with him?

Positives:

1) H certainly challenges and spurs me to change.
2) H is crazy about the kids.
3) H is hardworking.
4) When things are good, they are very good.
5) H remembers crucial dates (anniversary, first kiss, birthdays, etc.) without me having to remind him.
6) H will bring me flowers for no reason at all.
7) H knows my history.
8) We have the deaths of both sets of parents in common.


Negatives:
1) H doesn't know how to constructively critcize.
2) H justifies his destructive behavior with minor things I do (ie, when he got his first DUI, he sited a speeding ticket I got).
3) H is unwilling to confront the illicit behavior of his friends.
4) H is unwilling to see things from my POV unless my POV happens to jibe with his.
5) H believes when there is conflict, there has to be a winner and a loser.
6) I don't think I am the person my H wants me to be.
7) H will not admit when he is wrong and refuses to say he is sorry. He will not allow me to apologize and move past wrongs I've done.

What's your prognosis for him?

I'm ready to give up. I am gathering my strength and resources to leave him.

IHJ,

Thank you for the kind words. Like I stated before many times in many ways, I am flummoxed. The situation with my H makes me question everything I know about people. I mean, when folks dream about having something and they get it, isn't that dream coming true supposed to spawn happiness?

[karen1]

Cinema,

I left a 10 year marriage. I got ready to leave when I couldn't even muster up anger about the exchanges between us. I couldn't feel anything about H's arrest for perscription drug fraud. I finally accepted that to stay was to compromise my own integrity and self respect. Is that where you are? If so, I'm really sorry.

Karen

[cinemanymph]

karen,

If you posted about the specifics of the end of your marriage, I didn't catch it. I am sorry to hear that happened. Had he chipped away at you until there was nothing left to feel? Did you get angry afterward?

I haven't told anyone IRL about the this latest indignity. I am thinking about talking to clergy or my uncle. He and my aunt have been married 46 years and I respect his opinion. He and my aunt have been through a paternal mother who disrespects marriage (my grandmother has said that a son should regard his mother in higher esteem than his wife) a PA, a maternal alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother and all the other normal bumps that take place between married people. This is a meandering way of saying that their marriage was strong enough to have weathered many difficult situations and today is vibrant. Maybe clergy, because the clergy can be objective. They have nothing to gain or lose by expressing an opinion one way or the other. Maybe I just want validation to leave.

Yep, that's where I am. I am not being p!ssy to him at home, just taking a strong stand against him being a bully when the need arises. If anything, I'm being very civil.

[Lillieperl]

cine, thanks for that thorough response! I don't think it can hurt in the long run for you to make preparations to leave. You can always NOT leave, when it comes down to it, but straigntening out your finances (or separating them), working, making new friends. feeling better about yourself-- all of these things put you in a better position to make the "stay or go" decision.

And, as we've seen here, sometimes splittin up is the only thing that gets their attention.

[cinemanymph]

Lil,

I don't want to get his attention. I don't want him to change. I just don't want to be his battering ram anymore.

[Lillieperl]

In hear ya, honey...

[karen1]

Cine,

Here it is in a nutshell. Ex-H and I met in college, married right after. DS13 came along two years into the M and DD8 when he was doing his intership in medicine. He survived med school through a combination of me overcompensating and handling every aspect of our lives except his schooling and him taking lots of drugs. I was not wise to this because every Intern is "tired." Anywho, he was an extremely unhappy individual and visited his unhappiness on me in the form of criticism, anger, frustration, controlling behavior etc... A few times he gave me a shove during an argument.

He sought personal therapy where he learned to be a patient. He didn't get better. He went to more doctors. He became more and more of a patient. In the meantime he alienated people at work plus neighbors and friends. Very suprisingly he was a pretty good Dad. He never dealt with the kids like he did everyone else.

I read every R book on the market. I begged for marital counseling. We did a session or two. Finally, he was arrested for perscription drug fraud and lied to me about his guilt. The lightbulb went on. The marriage had been dead for at least seven of those ten years. I was worn out. I wasn't angry I was tired.

Now, almost five years later. His life remains a mess. He has relapsed and lost his medical license and job for the second time, he rarely pays child support and cannot sustain a R. I am not angry. I have compassion for him. I have compassion for the man he could have been, the father, the husband. However, his rampant narcissism and addiction and bipolar disorder got in the way. He still enjoys being "ill" and believes that being ill excuses him from responsibility for many things. I am glad that I became too tired to compensate for him. I am glad that I am not angry at him. I believe that he really did the very best he could. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted more from my life and my marriage. Current H isn't perfect and I do wish we had a better SL but I cannot accurately describe the extent to which my current sitch is better than my past one. KWIM?

None of my sitch will help you in making your decision. Just know that I have been there and whether you stay or whether you go you have the support and love of people who care about you (even if we are virtual people).

Karen