Building Bridges

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,

Congrats on your new job. What are you doing?

I find that going off to work has given me a new confidence. The other day I even agreed to take on extra responsibility and told my boss that I wanted to be compensated for it!! He turned me down, but ya can't blame a girl for trying. I can't believe that I asked for a raise two weeks in .

H is having a problem adjusting to me working, but he is the one who pressured me to get out there and get a job. I agree with you, Lil, and IHJ that he is having trouble adjusting to the changes, even though he is the one who was pushing me to change. I guess he has to be careful what he wishes for.

Lil,

Ask yourself, how is he with change in other areas in general-- house, job, etc.?

H wants everything to stay the same, unless it's something that I have to make the effort to change. I mean he has lived in this town all his life, had all the same friends since kindergarten, has worked at the same job in the same company since the late '70s. He makes no effort to make any new friends, take classes to expand his horizons, or would ever consider living somewhere else. He just refuses to entertain any new ideas or any change that requires effort/discomfort on his part. I admit that this rootedness is one of the things that drew me to him. His parents were married for 59 years, until MIL passed away. I moved several times a year and lived in an environment of uncertainty. At any given time, I didn't know where or with whom I would be living.

Do you see him making any attempts to relate to the new you (the Real You)?

I have noticed him, on occasion, override his what I call the why bother attitude (he will b!tch about something I do and when I make a suggestion as to how I can change or fix the problem, he says, "why bother" and doesn't give me an opportunity to fix things) and try to listen to my suggestions. I haven't noticed any other changes.

When change presents itself (or hits him in the head with a brick), does he make a fuss at first and then adjust, or does he fight it tooth and nail and never give in?

H is from the fight it tooth and nail school of thought. I am so confused, because these are changes that he has pushed for.

What about the financial problems?

I've tried to bring this up repeatedly, I have offered to sit down with him and go over everything and make a plan for getting out of debt. He just doen't want to.

What about his drinking? Any changes in these areas?

He hasn't done any drinking since his golf league ended.

Can you list the positives and negatives about looking at a future with him?

Positives:

1) H certainly challenges and spurs me to change.
2) H is crazy about the kids.
3) H is hardworking.
4) When things are good, they are very good.
5) H remembers crucial dates (anniversary, first kiss, birthdays, etc.) without me having to remind him.
6) H will bring me flowers for no reason at all.
7) H knows my history.
8) We have the deaths of both sets of parents in common.


Negatives:
1) H doesn't know how to constructively critcize.
2) H justifies his destructive behavior with minor things I do (ie, when he got his first DUI, he sited a speeding ticket I got).
3) H is unwilling to confront the illicit behavior of his friends.
4) H is unwilling to see things from my POV unless my POV happens to jibe with his.
5) H believes when there is conflict, there has to be a winner and a loser.
6) I don't think I am the person my H wants me to be.
7) H will not admit when he is wrong and refuses to say he is sorry. He will not allow me to apologize and move past wrongs I've done.

What's your prognosis for him?

I'm ready to give up. I am gathering my strength and resources to leave him.

IHJ,

Thank you for the kind words. Like I stated before many times in many ways, I am flummoxed. The situation with my H makes me question everything I know about people. I mean, when folks dream about having something and they get it, isn't that dream coming true supposed to spawn happiness?