It's hard not to feel like a tennis ball being batted around the court. Remember what I said: if you're feeling crazy, then it's because something crazy is going on.
Also something else to keep in mind is that his problems are not your problems. What ever crisis he is going through, although it clearly affects you and your life--and I'm not suggesting you minimize it-- remember his problem is not your problem. Picture it this way: if the two of you are in a rowboat and he falls in the water and is thrashing around, HE is in the water, not you. You don't help him if you also fall in and drown. You stay in the boat and throw him a line or something... but I suggest you detach somewhat and tell yourself, This is about something that is happening with him; it is not specifically about me.
I know you're going to say, But it IS about me, it affects me intimately, he has completely turned my life upside down.
But I'll repeat: think of the boat... he has fallen overboard and you do neither one of you any good if you jump in, too.
He's talking about going down the road not traveled... does he only talk about doing this sexually, or is he talking about quitting his job, moving, cashing in the 401K and buying a red Miata?
What precipitated this change... you said he had the leg injury, but he has recovered. Are there any other medical issues? Perhaps something he's not telling you about?
It's interesting that he proposes drastic changes in your patterns (i.e. admitting another man into your bed), but balks at you having a beer without him.
I know you are on information overload right now. The postings and the books here. If you have a chance, pick up another book. Men are from mars and women from venus. There is some good info in there. It may not be so much what he is saying as what he means. They are two different things. It will also help you to figure out how to "ask" him what he means. I have found that if it is something that kwwps getting repeated, it is because what they are asking and what they mean are different.
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Thank you... man this has been a long week already and it is only Tuesday. Got through the talk tonight. I hate going first. It seemed to go well but I have learned not to ever get my hopes up. Tomorrow all things can be different. I might try tonight. I know I want to. I am just afraid of how it may end up.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
I just caught this post of yours and thought I'd explain it a bit...
You said this to Rollercoasters comment about her H's jealousy when she got home from having a beer w/friends (Your H has jealosy issues yet wants to watch you have sex with another man. That really is a wierd dynamic. Your sitch it quit a puzzle.)
This really isn't such a puzzle...it's a control thing. If she's with her friends out somewhere having a beer and he's not with her...he doesn't really know what she's doing, he's out of the framework and not in control of the situation.
In his fantasy...he wants to be there watching, he's present and he's orchestrated the whole situation. He can intervene, he can participate if he wants, he can tell them what he wants them to do for his enjoyment...or sit back and simply watch, but it's up to him.
Completely see what you are saying that it is about control But I still feel the jealousy issue would spill over into the sex thing maybe after the fact. I have never known someone to be jealous of someone having a good time yet okay with that person talking or being with someone else. But I have known peoples whos spouses are okay with there mate going out and having a good time but jealous if another male/female engages in a conversation with them while out. I keep thinking there is more to this sitch myself. But that is just me and my thoughts.
rollercoaster, i think you had a big breakthrough.. i sense you realize and understand that it is not because of the sex thing the problems in your M. you said there are many factors and variables to it. i believe you nailed it with the MLC he has...... definitely he has that, all i can tell you is that i sense he wants a change and he himself doesnt know how to do it.......he is growing up.......... the stupid , and bad part is that it affects you, i affected my family.... but i guess a kid has to fall to learn how to bike ride, same with life...... read about MLC, and stick to your life, principles, values, GAL, he is the one who has to figure things out...........
Everyone keep saying there is more to my situation. I guess I am confused now. We were in counseling prior to this whole fantasy thing. So obviously there is more to my situation than just that. What you said about the control thing does make sense. Only because of some things from the past and also somethings he said during counseling. We were best friends for quite some time and then living together for about 3 years before getting married. Prior to him asking me to marry him we had talked about the whole marriage thing and both said we were happy the way things were just cohabitating, so lets not screw that up. We both had rocky marriages and breakups in our past. We both worked at the same company at the time, but I had a much higher position and had to go to San Diego on business frequently. I work in a male dominated industry so I was meeting with alot of men also away on business. There were a few other women but for the most part men. He would stay behind and had to take care of the kids, they were still very young then. We would meet during the day and go out at night for dinner and drinks. There was no need for him to worry, I loved him. There was a man that worked with me here that had shown quite a bit of interest in me even though I had none for him. On one particular trip, He had to also go for the meeting. This man was a supervisor above me. Well after returning a week later my H broke the rule and asked me to marry him. I thought he was joking at first because it was April fools day when I returned. But then here came the ring . I said yes of course because I did love him and we had been together for many years already happily. Now fast forward to present time several years later. We are in couselors office and She askes him about why he decided to ask me to marry. He said because I was a conquest. He hated that when I went away on business I did not have a ring on my finger and his last name. He needed everyone to know that I belonged to his so don't even try. WOW. I did not even know what to say or how to respond. I married him because I truly loved him. He was very good to me and the children. Not because I wanted to conquer him. That sounded like ownership to me, not marriage. I felt like the really great sports car that he just had to have, but now after years of driving you long for something else. Then a couple of nights later during our 15 talk therapy, out came the fantasy. I wish I truly understood my whole situation. I wish I knew how to summerize this whole thing better so everyone could understand, I guess I am not doing a very good job of that either. Like I said I am just lost sometimes. It is like I said before somedays we seem to take 3 steps forward and only 2 back. At least we are making slow progress. Then other days 2 steps forward and 3 back. No matter what we keep ending up in the same place. I get very discouraged and down on myself because I try so hard to give him the space he desires and everything else within reason because yes, I want my husband back. I love him and this is killing me somedays. I know, I know. I have read some great books and I know I may just have to move on for my own sanity, but it is so much easier to say it than to do it. I really am trying to find the strength to. I just don't know how.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Remember what I said: if you're feeling crazy, then it's because something crazy is going on. 