I can ( and will) give you my opinion about your H's sexual request, but I believe what's most important is how you feel about it. It's admirable that you want to save your marriage and that you are willing to listen and even expand your sexual boundaries, but at what cost? Being pressured to perform an activity that inwardly doesn't feel right for you will cause you to lose self respect.
When I started college I dated a guy for 3 yrs...it was a very intense love affair and I experienced many " firsts." One night we went out with another couple and found ourselves by a reservoir...by bf and the other 2 stripped and went skinny dipping..it was expected that I would join them but I just wasn't comfortable. It wasn't for me. Afterwards he was angry with me for not participating...and it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I could ask 100 people whether I did " the right thing" but it doesn't matter...it was the right for me.
I know there is more at stake in marriage... but what is the marriage worth is you feel coerced to do something that feels wrong for you?
Personally, I can't see how intimacy is created by engaging in sexual activity with another person...I don't get it. But that's really not the point...it's more about how you feel.
What are some of the other issues you're struggling with?
Was you H physically threatening last night? What all of a sudden makes him insane? You say you feel pressured. I know your H told you what would make him turned on. But is he now volleying this on a daily basis. If so and it is now scaring you maybe you need to get away from him for a few days. Also bring it up in your next C meeting.
I do have a question does your H have a person in mind? If so and it is someone your H knows what type of a relationship does your H have with this person? I am really wondering if the fantasy is about another male and not you. You are the scapegoat the one to reel in and bring to light his truer fantasy. I may be real off base. But it is a possibility.
I told him last night during our 15 minute talks that I needed him to back off from the living out the fantasy. I told him I understood the fantasy and him having it in his mind does not offend me or bother me. I have some pretty wicked fantasies of my own but they are just that. I told him that there are many other things I am willing to try to help him overcome the sexual issues he is having, just not that. I told him how badly he scared me the other night. What I thought was just a fun evening out turned out to be much more than I could handle. I used some of the advice that I have been given here by telling him that we need to focus on making things right between us and he needs to work on his own personal MLC issues before we do anything else to damage our relationship. We need to continue with our counseling and see what happens. Some days I feel like we take 3 steps forward then 2 steps back. Other days I feel like we take 2 steps forward and 3 back. I realize it is all about smalls wins, but this has definately been a situation that I think has undone some of our small wins. I guess we just try to move on from here and keep on going. I am so tired of the pain sometimes and I know this is a long process. I am just trying to figure out how to cope right now.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
He was not physically threatening nor has he ever been. It was a situation he put me in and the other person was a complete stranger. His fantasy revolves around watching me with another man. He knows that I am very sexual and enjoy sex very much with him. He has been having problems for a while now with being impotent sometimes and he gets frustrated knowing this. I have encouraged him to see a doctor but he seems embarrassed about this. I am pretty sure that after our convesation last night he realizes that this fantasy is going to remain just that. I am still concerned the impact this will have on our already unstable situation.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
I am so over this. This man is driving me insane. I love him sooooo much. I wish I did'nt. I am not sure that I can even continue to put myself through this. I just wish that something would make sense. I just want to be happy... Is that so bad? I know I just need to be happy with myself first. I think I need to just tell him to figure this out and maybe I will still be here when he does or maybe not. We don't have another couseling session for another week. I think by then it will only be me because I don't really believe he wants to try to work things out. I guess doing the 180 is in my best interests right now.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
It looks like you have found some inner strength. It makes it tough when our feelings are so strong for someone who is or has let go. Be strong for yourself. Talk to you later
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Roller, What is stopping you from saying, "H I told you my feelings on this matter and I do not wish to discuss it any more." END OF SUBJECT.
Look. If this one action will cause him to leave..or to not work on the M any longer..then it's not really much of an M that you are struggling to hold on to, kwim?
If you are having this much turmoil over this situation right now...imagine how much more turmoil you will experience if you do something YOU do not want to do. As others have said on this BB, this will not help the situation. And if you give in and do what he's asking of you (which by the way...he's not respecting you by insisting on it) YOU will feel worse about yourself.
I know you love your H, and that does make this tough. But don't sell out for this, don't just give in. I must admit too that I'm wondering why he wants to see you with another guy...does he just want to watch, or be involved?
I know this is scary right now, and I know you are trying to prevent things that will end your M. BUT as others on here have said...you must set boundaries and consequences. If it comes to separation, remember that's not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your M either. Sometimes it takes drastic measures such as that to wake people up. Be strong, you will get through this, you will be a stronger woman for it all too.
But draw your boundaries and stick to them...don't let him steamroll over you.
I have already discussed this with my H and made sure he understood where I stand on the "making a fantasy a reality" situation. I am pretty sure that that the subject has been dropped. What I told him was I understood the fantasy and that I too have some pretty wicked ones myself. I on the other hand have no desire to act out my fantasies or his either that involve other people. They are left best to remain just that. I wish this was the only problem my H and I had. It would be easier for me to deal with. This situation only came up after we had started counseling. His MLC has been going on for more than a year. I realize that there is nothing I can say that will make him snap out of this trance that he is in. If he really wants to be alone and try to work this out himself, I guess maybe I should just let him leave and do that, then pray he will come to his senses. I want to save my marriage and work on that. I am not sure if he is capable of working on our marriage when he is having all of the MLC issues. You know the who am I, what am I, where am I, almost 40 blues. I want to say just get over it, even though I know he is struggling through that while I get to be taken along for the ride. I am not sure if I even know what normal is anymore. Maybe I should post in the MLC forum? Even though sex starved seemed appropriate for our situation, because I am, and the question I posted was about sex, I think my whole situation is more about his MLC and learning how the &*%$# to deal with this. Maybe the whole fantasy is part of that. I kept thinking about it last night and kept wondering if it was more about him wanting to have sex with another woman and if I would live out his fantasy it would be like saying it was okay for him too. I do believe that he has been faithful. But maybe he is looking for permission from me? If I do it, then he could too? I don't know I am just grasping at straws here. Any ideas?
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
