roller, I'd still like to know if your H insists on acting out the fantasy with a real live other person, or whether he would be open to keeping it in the realm of fantasy with just you two.
He still insists that for him that this is something that would be very exciting. I still do not know what to think. Not that that is unusual these days. I hear words coming out of his mouth, I just can not understand what he is saying.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
It is hard to get a clear picture of what is going on in your sitch. You are speaking about one aspect but alluding to there being many other issue that do not relate to this sexual fantasy. I am thinking if you would like more solid advice or insight and support you may need to tell the whole of the story not just a aspect of it.
Maybe it is just me that feels there is something other then this going on. I just see you state how discouraged you are and dismayed and stating it is not just about the sex fantasy but giving no other info for people to base any form of support on. You may want to put it all out there. We are in cyber land you are a faceless person to us as we are to you. Relax we wont be seeing you in the grocery store saying omg thats rollercoaster. You are safe here to say what is going on. Say how you feel say what hurts what pisses you off the whole deal.
If you don't like the idea of having sex with another man, then what is the problem?
The answer is "No, H." It's as simple as that.
Then you start looking for things that will work in your situation--for the both of you.
Is he badgering you to do this? Or insinuating that the only way to fix things is by acting out this fantasy? If so, then your real problem is that your H is a bully and not so much that he won't have sex with you.
Okay well here goes. My husband and I have been married for about 6 years. We lived together for 3 years prior to marriage and have known each other for about 12. Everything seemed to be great in our life. Out of the blue last year he started acting differently. Started buying alot of new clothes hanging out with single male friends. He told me he was moving out. That he need to be alone. He rented an apartment. I was devastated. To me this all came out of the blue although I can now look back and see the signs. He never did move out last year. Canceled his lease and said that we could work this out. He was sorry for acting like an idiot. His words. My youngest son graduated from high school last year. Thats around the time alot of his actions happened. It was kind of like, okay the kids are grown now what. Well even though he stayed, things really did not change.He has become very concerned about his looks i.e. the gray hairs etc. He spends more money than we can afford. He Had to trade in his truck to get a Mercedes. Sex has become non existant between us. Once a month if that. He is very self conscience about this. When we do have sex it is great. He does seem to have issues with stamina as far as maintaining an erection.
Well then this summer it was like replying the whole situation from last summer. He rented an apartment. Told me he wanted a divorce. Told me he wanted to be alone. Told me that it had nothing to do with me, that he just did not know who he was or what he wanted anymore.Said he loved me he just did not feel immortal any longer. Then he left. Once again I was devastated. Depressed, angry, hurt. A few days later he was back. Once again telling me he was sorry that he wanted to try to work on us. Of course I let him come back. This all has taken place starting at the beginning of August. We started going to counseling. We have only been 3 times. We have had some amazing sex in the past couple weeks. During one of our communication exercises ( you know he gets 15 minutes to say any thing while listen then I do the same) he started talking about wanting to watch me have sex with another man. I listened but I guess I thought he was just sharing a fantasy with me. Well that night I made him watch himself have sex with me. Lights on eyes wide open. This did seem to be a huge turn on for him. Me too for that matter. Then he started talking about this fantasy while we were having sex. And afterwords. Wanting me to commit to doing this. Saying that this would be the best thing for both of us. I told him I would think about it. In the mean time we are still going through the whole marriage problem scene. One day he says eveything is going well for him the next day the alien returns and wants to leave. I give him his space and have followed the advice of our therapist as well as some of the advice in the book. Everything seems to be helping us and then BOOM. Back on the rollercoaster.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
You said it TAGIII jak466 your divorced, sign up for match.com or eharmony. start dating, single, available women. If your x wants to work on something down the road deal with it then.
Ditto to HP Then you start looking for things that will work in your situation--for the both of you. Your marriage has some issues, and your H is not acting stable. His solution would test even the most stable, issue free marriage, being done for the first time.
Then there is your reaction to it. Compromise is necessary, vital to a R and the lengths that a person will go to, to reciprocate when they are being cared for are tremendous... your idea of lights, and mirror showed that you were putting in effort.
Dont ignore your reaction, if that is the ONLY way he can/will stay with you.... let him TRY to go find a swingin girl who will put up with demands and ultimatums....lol.
Quote: He still insists that for him that this is something that would be very exciting. I still do not know what to think.
If you want to "BE" divorced, do it for him. I am sure it wil eventually lead to that.
Quote: Not that that is unusual these days.
The fantasy (a man kaving sex with his wife) is not that common, maybe 1 guy with 2 gals is for men.
I have the solution rollercoaster. D your H, find a good guy, one that is not sick like your H, marry the new guy and have sex with him, e-mail your XH and tell him how much fun sex is with your new H and say thanks for the idea.
Not sure if you are taking a shot at me here. I was nothing but friendly and have given Roller the same advice as all of you. Anyone else who was up at that time had an opportunity to jump in to the conversation and no-one else did. If you are only joking around with me that is fine too but don't rip me for helping to cheer someone up.
Roller, It appears the others here like Honeypot and OG_lou agree with what I told you in our phone coversation. This Idea is nothing but bad. It will only lead to a D and for the reasons I stated earlier. He will have an excuse to say you like doing it better with someone else or some other lame excuse. Saving your marraige is one thing but degrading yourself in a troubled situation is only adding more fuel to the fire.
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
I have just now had a chance to read your thread. IMPO, adding a 3rd person to the equation spells nothing but trouble.
In some ways I can understand the "fantasy" of this, and the fantasy is not uncommon. Doing this in reality however becomes complicated and often ends up in hurt feelings, resentment, jealousy, affairs, and divorce. I simply would not go there.
I may have missed this since when I had a chance to catch up on this there were already 60 posts...but does your H have someone in mind? If so, I'd investigate that a bit. Definitely talk about this in the C's office. It may be as simple as a fantasy your H thinks would be fun to fulfill, but there may be underlying unfulfilled needs that he has too that need to be addressed....and he thinks adding "spice" this way will do it. Personally, I doubt it would.
Perhaps you could add spice in other ways. Try new things you've never tried before, but stay away from involving other people.
As Honeypot has already told you...if this is a problem for you, and something you have to "think" about...the answer is "NO". It really sounds to me like you are feeling pressured to do something you don't want to do...so don't do it. If you feel pressured into it, you will definitely regret it....and it won't fix what your H is going through.
I am very greatful for all the advice. First, Jak thank you. You gave me some wonderful advice and I appreciate being able to vent my concerns to someone that. I am sorry that anyone here took it for more than that. Right now I am feeling very pressured in to this and no I am not ready for that. We have many other issues that need to be resolved and he needs to figure this whole thing out with himself and his personal issues. I agree with what seems to be the common opinion here that this would only cause more issues since there other factors in our marriage that are causing me some concern. Maybe it would not bother me so much if everything else with our marriage was great, but it is not right now.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
