It's been a while since I posted. Not too much too report...not too much has changed for better or worse really.

I spent 4 days visiting my dad in CO..it was nice to see snow again after 15 years! I felt like I needed a break from both H and kids! I feel like H and I are snapping at each other quite a bit lately...

H did say to me the other night that I have been really bitchy and snapping at him a lot lately. I said yeah, I know, I'm not really sure why but I'm sorry and I'll try to stop. So, I am going to work on that because I know he's right...although I'm not sure he hasn't been the same way with me.

I decided not to work the day I got back from CO and really just sat around doing nothing most of the day, (playing games on the computer ). He asked me that night what I did and I told him nothing really, messed around on the computer and wasted my time...I didn't want to tell him that I played games all day because he can't stand when I do. Anyway, he asked what I did online I said checked email payed bills. Well he asked like 3 times and I couldn't figure out why he kept asking. Well finally he asked if I did some snooping??? Which I haven't in a while (okay an occassional check of the cookies!) Turns out he went online to an adult site (I'm ok with it because the profile is as a couple and it's not a secret) and when he went to put in the id it pulled up a list of a bunch of his old id's and thought I was checking up on him! I told him I hadn't done that in months, which is true and asked him if he was pissed because he thought I was snooping? He said no, that after what he did he expects it...like he was saying I know I f'ed up and I don't blame you for not trusting me.

Of course the only thing I really want to know is what the contact with ff/ow is...I am very confident that he is not IMing her but that he probably still has some email contact with her and I of course wonder if he still has those nasty pics of her...YUCK!!! I try not to worry about it but I still think about it way more than I should. Way too much when we are having sex...I'm sure that's a big part of why I feel like we are not connecting sexually. One day I might just ask him to open his hotmail and let me read it...but honestly I probably won't: 1) I'm afraid of what's there and 2)I'm afraind of him not showing me...so I figure I have a 66% chance of not liking the results and why do that to myself!

Soooo...Christmas is coming and I send cards (usually a picture of the kids) to all of our friends and family...I have always sent a card to ff/ow, even last year when I knew they had had some sort of cyber affair. I would love some opinions...of course in light of what has happened I really have no intention on sending her a card but...I know she is on the address list and I always ask H who he wants to send a card to...I'm tempted to send one and sign it "Still together and happier than ever!" But, I know I shouldn't for 2 reasons: 1) I should let it go and know that I am a better person than she will ever be and 2)there is a chance that her and H are still emailing and she would say something about it...not that it really matters because he wouldn't say anything to me...

What would you do??