I've been lurking in this forum for a couple of months now, but have only found the courage to post just in last few days.
I guess the "reality" is starting to set in now. I SOOOOOOOOOOOO don't want to be Divorced, but that is no longer an issue, the deed is done. I'm going to try to link my thread from Newcomers now. Wish me luck!
Don't know if that worked, but I guess I'll find out when I'm done.
I really want to be back with my X (it's still so weird calling him that) but Just a few days ago I was "enlightened" that he as of this point in time, has absolutly no intentions of coming back. This was not from him directly, but from a friend of mine who had an "interesting" conversation with him over IM (without his knowing who it was at first) on Friday.
She e-mailed me their convo, and it's very discourageing. I read in Michelle's book Divorce Remedy the part about the Do's and Don'ts and how they are going to "see" only the negative part of the relationship right now, but not to get discouraged cuz they are feeling negative and feel they have done the "right" thing in leaving the sitch.
I'm trying to have a PMA and GAL and just live each day "one day at a time" but sometimes the whole sitch just overwhelmes. I am trying my damndest to make a life for just me and my kids, but sometimes the whole "fairy tale" of Dad, Mom & kids under one happy roof just crashes down on me. From what I have seen X has "moved on" and is Just Peachy with his single fatherhood life. As far as I know, he's not "seeing" a real person right now, but is still VERY VERY into cyber s*** and looking on all kinds of internet dating sites (don't ask how I know, I just know).
My question is: Even though we have been getting along recently, how do I proceed knowing that several years before BOMB, he was "friendly" with others (on Internet)while still letting me believe that WE were OK. You know what, as much as this stupid computer has given me comfort in the last several months in the form of you guys at this site, it really is an evil thing when used to "escape" from "real" life.
I agree with you, the fairy tale family is definitely a sticking point and our undoing when we are trying to move along. Look at it this way...you now have nothing to lose. You can choose for yourself how you want to live and what kind of interaction, if any, you want to have with your ex. Obviously in that case you'll be limited by how much he sees you.
I'd suggest cultivating the interactions that you do have. Be friendly, happy, perhaps a little mysterious (don't overdo that, but you don't have to tell him everything) and have the convo you would have with a friend. Try to get comfortable, if possible, with the thought that it is probably over, but you are open to the possibility of a renewed R with him. But the ball is entirely in his court and you need to be patient while you are getting a life of your own and being complete without him. He'll work through his issues and perhaps if you've been there in at least a friendly capacity you'll at least be seen as a possible R for him.
That being said, I feel like a hypocrite because I don't have patience.
I agree completely about your assessment of the internet. But it's like a gun, it doesn't kill people, the gun holder kills people. The internet doesn't make these people go into a fantasy world...they are already succeptible to it and make the choice.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I wish I didn't have to welcome you here, but Welcome! You will find the most dynamic group of people I think I have ever been associated with. There are loads of support to be found on this thread and we all have a very similar story that allows us to empathize w/ each others sitch.
Wes gave you some very good advice and despite his own proclivity for impatience and pursuit (which you will witness firsthand and be amazed at his daring bravado), he , and the others here, are really good at providing the third person aspect to your sitch that you, like me, are probably looking for.
I wish you the best and know that we are here to help each other. All you have to do is ask.
THANK YOU so very much for visiting my thread and offering words of encouragement and advice. I've visited your threads and from what I read on each one, it sounds like you guys have been here quite awhile. One thing I've noticed from going through other threads in this room is that alot of you HAVE been here awhile.
I feel like such an infant. My D has been final less than 3 months (6-27-o5) but it was final 16 months after BOMB (2-8-04) was dropped and we lived together for 3 months after BOMB before he moved out(4-19-04). In case I lost you with that last sentance, it has been a total of 19 months since BOMB, but I did not find this site until just a few weeks before D was final. In the 16 mo. since BOMB I did all the DON'Ts. I was such an expert at them that even I was disgusted with me.
To make a long story short, my DBng is in the infancy stage. The first 3 weeks after D we had little or no contact at all except for pik up/drop off kids (there were several times when we didn't even make eye contact). In the last 3-4 weeks I have stepped up my DBng and my PMA and I think it seems to be working. Our interactions in last several weeks have been very positive. Just this past weekend (his w/e with kids) he took them camping to his family land in Wisc. and had kids call me to tell me "good nite" both fri. & sat. (he got trac phone, the prepaid kind) two weeks ago, but did not have kids call me to tell me GN that w/e. I've had several convos with MIL in past couple of weeks, she hasn't come out and said that there is a possibility for us to get back together, but she isn't dicouraging me from trying to reach my goal. TO HAVE MY HUSBAND AND KIDS WITH ME UNDER THE SAME ROOF AGAIN.
She has told me the same things that I have gotten from you guys here, "Time and PATIENCE". are my allies. I'm with you Wes on the patience and pursuit front. "Instant gratification, isn't fast enough."
Gotta go to work now, I'll stop in on you guys' threads and other ASAP.
My D is even fresher, and much quicker Any how, to my point. Time and patients are really the only things in our favor. For me, I never had patients. Now, I am forced to learn them. I am getting better at this. My EW wanted nothing but the D, as quickly as possible, and with much anger and hurt from her. 8 months later, she admits that she is miserable, and is s l o w l y starting to share with me the reason she saw this as her only solution. I went dark for almost 4 months. It helped me, and in a way, I think it helped her to take in her new life.
As hard as it is, the best thing you can do is GAL. I know, it's hard because I am attempting this myself. Since time is all we have, we might as well do our best to enjoy it.
The D is just a piece of paper. Remember this. You can always remarry each other, when that time comes.
For me, I have grown so much as a person through all of this. My EW and I had a conversation about this recently,and she even pointed out positive changes in me I didn't know
Post often, focus on YOU, and take one day at a time.....
THANK YOU for posting on my thread. I read through your "separated" thread and SO much of it parallels my sitch (other than we are of opposite sex) My X wanted the D not me, but ultimatly I was the one who filed and went to court. We did it Pro Se so no lawyers were involved. The only reason I was the one who filed was because I just could not live in LIMBO any longer. It was wearing on my nerves.
I started seeing C in June of last year and have made so many strides on working on myself. From what MIL let me know, X wanted D cuz HE believes that HE could never make me happy and hopes that I can find HAPPINESS with someone else. I told her that I now SEE that NOOOOO he could not make me happy, only I can do that. I was so unhappy with ME that I did not SEE that I not only opened the door for him, I actually pushed him out of it.
I just wish I could tell him that I now SEE how much my actions hurt him and that I now realize how hurt and unhappy HE was. I know that it is TOO SOON for that kind of admission, so I will wait until the RIGHT opportunity presents itself (if that opportunity ever presents itself). I have learned from this site and DR that PATIENCE is of utmost importance now. I'm trying but it is so hard. I have been trying to GAL and actually I have been SEEING someone for about 7 months now (he knows where I stand and that I want to be back with X and yet he still wants to be with me and he just ADORES my kids). I know I know, I was not ready to become involved with someone else, but it just happened. Just like Xs internet EA "just happened".
I know that the D is just a piece of paper, just like marriage license, so that is what I am holding on to. I am holding on to that "little bit of hope" and am confident that in time X will SEE that our R can be something TOTALLY different (and SOOOOOOO much better). I too have grown soooo much through this whole ordeal and as weird as it may sound, I feel that I had to go through it to REALLY appreciate what I had and realize that "what I had" is what I have wanted all along. I just hope X will SEE that I am truly sincere and that it is NOT too late after all.
ONE DAY AT A TIME, that has been my motto for about a year and 1/2 now. My main focus lately has been ME and my kids. If nothing else, my relationship with my kids has gotten soooooooooooooo much stronger and closer. And for that, I am eternally greatful to X and to God.
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We cannot solve the problems we face at the level of thinking that got us into them in the first place. Albert einstein
Not much to report except that this morning I left X phone message asking if it would be possible for him to watch kids this w/e cuz I have to work both sat & sun (it's my w/e with them). I left for my appt with C and when I got home He had left message that on fri nite he had to work (he works 3rd shift and does not work fri nite unless he does OT) so if I picked them up fri nite when I got done with work, he would pick them up sat morning when he got done then sun if I could pick them up when I got done with work. When I left message this morning (he has dial up internet, but has VM, so I usually try to call when I know he will be on computer, which is about 80% of the time IMHO) about watching kids this w/e cuz I had to work, I did say that I would really appreciate it if he could but that I understand if he can't if he already had plans. When he left me message and said he could watch kids and didn't mention that he already had plans or anything, I took that as a GOOD sign that he isn't seeing anyone right now
I know not to get overly excited about the fact that he "readily" agreed to watch kids on my w/e cuz he had informed me months ago that he was not at my beckon call to watch kids on my w/e if I had plans that did not include kids or even if I have to work just as I was not at his beckon call to watch kids on his w/e. The first time he asked me if I could watch kids for him on fri nite on his w/e (this was after OW2 was no longer in picture, probably 4-6 weeks ago (from about Mar or April there was OW1 then from about June til about Aug there was OW2)cuz OW1 or OW2 would watch them) I told him "sure, cuz that is extra time with kids for me"
Xs Aunt brought kids to me after I got done with work Mon nite and I had asked her if she could watch them for me if X couldn't and she said she would be happy to. So I had my bases covered in case X had plans, which it sounds like he didn't I'm not sure if events as of late are signs of improvement in OUR R or if it just means that being civil for kids sake is all that has transpired. What do ya'll think? Considering that our D has been final for about 12 weeks now and neither one of us has even mentioned it to the other I just don't know what to think.
This was longer than I thought, I guess I had alot more to say than I origionally intended. Any words of advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.
God Bless and Prayers to All!
Maria
PS. Please pray for my Mom who lives in Corpus Christi, Tx. I talked to her tonite and she said that they are under evacuation notices. She is going to go to my Aunts house who lives about 45 miles inland but it sounds like even they are in evacuation status. Thank You
---------- We cannot solve the problems we face at the level of thinking that got us into them in the first place. Albert Einstein
I'm so glad I could help. Some days, I read that passage 4x / day. It is so true for me. Like you, I have learned so much about myself and grown. Only now, is my XW able to start talking w/ me, and confirming my positive changes. There is a long road ahead, and she reminded me again last week "ILYBINILWY". Don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answers to.
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
Thanks for your reply SLM, and you are absolutly right. There are several questions I want to ask but I know I will not like the answers in his present state of mind. It's just been in last couple of months that interactions have been friendlier. About 99% of our contact is related to our kids, but the big improvement is they are now more relaxed and friendly
I know that I have a long winding road ahead of me. Even though we have been physically separated for about 1 1/2 years, I have realized through much soul searching that the emotional separation was taking place for several years before that. My DBng only started in full force after D final at end of June. I now know that D had to happen cuz our R was not a healthy one and I needed to "see" that in order to be able to Grow as a person and hopefully as a wife to X again one day.
Thanks to all who take the time to read my thread. Any thoughts or advice wuold be greatly appreciated.
I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!!!!!!!! (child stompping feet )
I know PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE
God Bless and Prayers to All!
Maria
--------- We cannot solve the problems we face at the level of thinking that got us into them in the first place. Albert Einstein
Any how, to my point. Time and patients are really the only things in our favor. For me, I never had patients. Now, I am forced to learn them. I am getting better at this. My EW wanted nothing but the D, as quickly as possible, and with much anger and hurt from her. 8 months later, she admits that she is miserable, and is s l o w l y starting to share with me the reason she saw this as her only solution. I went dark for almost 4 months. It helped me, and in a way, I think it helped her to take in her new life.
My X wanted the D not me, but ultimatly I was the one who filed and went to court. We did it Pro Se so no lawyers were involved. The only reason I was the one who filed was because I just could not live in LIMBO any longer. It was wearing on my nerves.
