We were supposed to have lunch today (remember? to celebrate my raise) but one thing she said last night was that we no longer had the money to do this. I sent her an email a while ago in which I said, "Do you still want to go out to lunch?" I got a one word answer: "No."
I'm doing remarkably well, considering her tirade last night, her silence today, and some significant crap going on with my ex and my DD10.
When it all comes down to it, you can only fully depend upon yourself. Having supportive friends is great, too, but when the rubber meets the road, you're basically on your own.
Quote: I will bring up the financial stuff with her.
My advice FWIW is don't do this. You're playing her game when you engage in this type of dicussion. Unless you do it the way honeypot suggested by getting in her face, telling her how the cow ate the cabbage, and walking away.
My late husband (as I mentioned) was married to someone like her. Early in their marriage he asked her to take over the money, and she carefully watched every penny over the years. After 25 years of marriage, he was a rather prominent executive, and she was still doling out a $40 per week allowance. She had a bunch of money rules. One of them was she would not talk about money after dinner. He was diabetic, so they ate promptly at 6:00 when he came home. So they never talked about money at home. If he wanted to talk about money, he had to call her from work and talk on the phone. If he brought up something at dinner or after dinner, like "I'm getting a bonus next month, let's go to Europe," she'd hold up her hand and say, "I won't discuss money in the evening."
But I had ANOTHER friend who was married to a woman like your W and he always kept thinking he could change her mind about stuff. He would keep talking to her, and reasoning with her, to no avail. Once I asked him to think back and try to remember if she had EVER changed her mind in response to one of his carefully reasoned arguments. He had to admit she NEVER had. And yet he was still trying to get through to her.
You've HAD the $$$ discussion. That hasn't worked. Try NOT having it. Time for a 180.
The idea that your $15 lunch broke the budget would be hilarious if it weren't so pathetic.
The sadness in it really lies in the fact HD commented about my shower tryst with my H not to long back. And I was trying to make him laugh was the reason I included the part of the thought popping up while I was in the shower.
I am ready to Bitck slap that lady and don't know her.
For once I totally disagree with you. Some times you have to fight fire with fire. She needs to take responsibility and own up to her end of this relationship. She can hide between shallow meaning word wars as long as they are not challenged. Challenge them and her cloak of rightoues exterior/mindset may come tumbling down. And she may have to say what she already knows HD is not at fault for every glitch in her life. She has a hand in it also. When she is handing out her judgement and verdict of outcome and HD excepts it as such. The words she uses not only effect HD but her own belief that they are true. Allowing this to continue is helping who? Neither one of them IMO.
I think this lady if not only selfish but cruel. Why should she be allowed to keep throwing his support of his children from his first marriage in his face as if it is a sin he has committed against her. Those kids are his she should take pride in the fact he is not a slacker that he takes care of his responsibilitys in life. This should make her feel safe in the knowledge he will never abandon his children she has with him. And lets face it using something someone loves against them like it is a bad thing is just mean. Point blank she came into this marriage knowing he had children and responsibilities to others.
Letting her continue to say you make less then me so I deserve this and you deserve that is crap. What he contributes to the household on a domestic level added in would probably make him surpass her and level out the inbalance between there fiscal income if she would factor this in to the eqaution. But for her to recognize this is not self serving enough for her IMO.
Well lost my whole train of though since MIL called and yacked on for 25 minutes so I will end here.
1st: OMG I totally missed the shower comment. You know the Hairdog is distracted when he doesn't see an opening like that. Not that you have a particularly big opening, Chrissy, uh...what I mean is...now you got me thinking about the shower tryst again and I'm all distracted. Okay...the hairdog is back on duty now.
Lil and Chrissy: You both make some good points concerning the dollars discussion. As a matter of fact, I was reading Lil's comment when my W called (first voice contact of the day). She said we needed to talk some things over before tonight when my kids came over.
She was especially angry at the comment I made about how it felt like she wanted me to "call my mommy" to check if it was okay to spend the $15 on lunch. She totally focused on how I was characterizing her, rather than my meaning, which was that the process of having to check with was demeaning. She still didn't get it after I explained it to her, which tells me that her indignation filter is in place, and no matter how I explain something, she's going to be pissed.
I told her that we needed to come up with some new way to handle the finances, because the current way was unhealthy in that it created the whole teacher/student mom/kid dynamic that the MC said we needed to get rid of.
And she started talking and talking about how it was my fault, etc., and I did the lilloh-talk (you know, when you, lil, told me to respond "oh" all the time) until she kind of gave up. I figured that at least I planted the seed that I was catching on to the fact that I am not in league with the compulsive gambler who spends the fortune on the roulette table, but rather more like the lovable bumbling dad who buys the wrong cereal at the grocery store. Whatever. She knows that I'm not going to be the fall guy anymore.
Anyway, Lil and Chrissy, stop fighting with each other, or I'll have to tear down the shower curtain, douse you both with Wesson, and play referee.
However, it is very important to her, so I apologized for spending $15 over the food budget.
failed test.
She had just written a check for my health club membership: $170 annually. I took the check out of my wallet and tore it up. "Here, now we have $170 more
acted out of resentment and anger, failed test.
But there was no reasoning to be done last night. She took away my glass of wine because she said she had bought the wine with her money.
It seems reasoning has not been working, repeatedly. cheesless tunnel. IMO the recipt was a passive aggressive move anyways.
I am in love with Mrs. Nop. Can I say that? Maybe that translates into me being in love with NOP. Does that make me gay? sigh I am going to have to spell this one out..... I am Joking. She gives great advice though.
Corri, You have, in a very big way, created this monster to whom you are married. In an effort to placate and keep the peace, you have given away your power in order to try to control the relationship on an emotional level
BAM BAM BAM on the money. easier to post that then to actually say the same thing in my reply.
No power, = no respect, = no attraction, = no nookie.
Ditto HP advice, get in her FACE, and stop the convo. She cant or wont control her thoughts do it for her. No, forget that. Do it for yourself.
LIL it is conceivable to just be friends, and to make it a choice not to do something, but people who are that self aware, and able to actually control themselves once a number of love units have been deposited and tipped the jar over so to speak are a ANOMOLY. and if they are that self aware, why play with fire, and cause yourself the conflict that comes with it.
People that juggle fire get burned, people who dont want to get burned dont juggle fire.
I also disagree with not being able to break up a marriage, all marriages have flaws, weaknesses and there do exist Black widows(male and female), so to speak that make this objective there endeavor, and are quite succesful. Alls it takes is the right moment, too much alcohol, or drugs, some music, or just a selfish feeling of Ill only do it this once, noone will know,.....etc.
We are all programmed to 'cheat', marriage is the struggle against it, not vise versa.
Why should she be allowed to keep throwing his support of his children from his first marriage in his face as if it is a sin he has committed against her. Those kids are his she should take pride in the fact he is not a slacker that he takes care of his responsibilitys in life. This should make her feel safe in the knowledge he will never abandon his children she has with him. And lets face it using something someone loves against them like it is a bad thing is just mean. Point blank she came into this marriage knowing he had children and responsibilities to others.
Just lurking here and Chrissy I wanted to say How much I appreciated your comment about this. I guess it makes me think about some things in my own sitch.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Quote: Anyway, Lil and Chrissy, stop fighting with each other, or I'll have to tear down the shower curtain, douse you both with Wesson, and play referee.
k.
Chrissy, of course they should discuss this. My point was that when she throws the first punch, he should not stick around and have the fight, at least not then. That is playing right into her hand. They should have the talk when she can be rational and actually talk, not just hurl insults. And when she is hurling insults, he should not stick around and take it. The convo should be on HIS terms and not be allowed to deteriorate into the name-calling fest that is the way she functions.
The fact that she ran out of steam when hd used the "oh" method is an illustration of the efficacy of this approach.
Yes the talk needs to happen but not on her terms when she is mad and beating hd about the face and shoulders with a rolled-up newspaper (yeah-- another dog image). For her to do that and him to allow it is bad for both of them.
A three some at Chrissys place woohoo who would of ever thunk that one! lol And HD I have shower mitts for all. You got the wesson canola based I hope. Hey Lil what you bringing?
And I concur to what you say Lil. Hence the email stating now that she is clear minded.
