Welp, as my shrink always used to say to me, "he who controls the money, controls the relationship." It's a great way to keep somebody in line, especially if there is a discrepancy in the amount of income the two of you make.
Now here comes my pointy witch shoes, sorry. You have, in a very big way, created this monster to whom you are married. In an effort to placate and keep the peace, you have given away your power in order to try to control the relationship on an emotional level (the only way we become more powerful ourselves is to give power away). You do everything around the house that she asks, you allow her to control the finances (she is better at it, you say, but this is a cop-out because you are one smart cookie and you could LEARN how to be better at it, if you wanted...you just choose not to be), you back off your own emotional boundaries, you keep things inside because you don't want to be mean or hurtful towards her... you find the shrink, you turn yourself inside out to please her.... you do this so she will love you and want to ML with you in return... and instead find that there is no pleasing her, she's even PISSED OFF most of the time.
Now, being the exact same kind of person myself, I can relate. I don't want other people to be unhappy. I hate seeing others suffer, and I will do nearly everything I can to 'fix' that, even at my own expense.
This attitude, while noble, is 'abuse' in the making, it is manipulative and passive aggressive.... and, to top it all off... you get to be the VICTIM... 'cuz all you're trying to do is keep the peace and fill your home with warmth and love.
This is where that whole GAL thing comes into play, why being your own person is so critically important... and why the hell don't you have a discretionary spending account? Sorry, I digress.... uhm... letting another suffer, or be pissed, or whatever, is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for another. You don't give in to your child's tantrums, do you? No, because you know if you do, you will be creating a little midget terrorist... the child must learn to self-soothe and to accept others' boundaries.
By always being the one to back off the line, to placate, you are in essence giving in to an adult tantrum. I applaud you for firing back at your W about selling the van, etc., but I would have taken it one step further in stating, very clearly, that her approach in the entire conversation was disrepectful and degrading and you will not tolerate it. Period. She can spit and sputter all she wants and let her. If you don't GET IN HER FACE in no uncertain terms on issues of self-respect, she will never respect you. Why should she?
Develop yourself, your boundaries, your sense of self, what you like, what you don't like, etc. It is extremely important to the health and safety of your relationship. You are doing better, HD, but I don't know if the 'aha' bulb has actually clicked for you quite yet... though you are so darn close.
When your wife tells you to just 'give up and let it all be as it is,' she is talking about your passive control tactics, not your passions or desires. As an example, last Saturday, you could have called your friends, N and J and asked them to go out and celebrate with you... dressed yourself up nice and fancy, and left her home wih the kids. Intead, you crawled into a hot tub and DARED her not to get in with you. You were still projecting your wants and needs onto her...
You placated, placated, placated. You didn't go out, you didn't blow a few bills on yourself as you deserved, you didn't even have a tub partner... and that's because you gave up want you WANTED... a little affirmation on a job well done. You didn't even give that to yourself.
STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR W, HD. She can take care of herself. You don't have to appease her. You don't have to placate her. Or manipulate her. Stop it. GAL before you do something stupid like have an affair. Keep some of your paycheck for yourself each month and STOP that 'reporting every dime I spend' crap. You are not a child, and she is not the parent... but that is how the two of you have set it up. So unset it.
