Quote: Then she would focus on the money issue, which is that we have a budget, that it is a monthly budget, and that we are $44 in the whole on the "food and groceries" line item. She says I should have known that, and, if I didn't have time to check the budget, I should have called her in advance and asked her.
Who buys the groceries?
I would immediately remove any alcoholic beverages from the shopping list. No wine. If the food budget is that close, spending any money on wine is a waste.
Quote: But that wasn't enough. She began talking about how we were going to go bankrupt, we had so much debt, we weren't going to be able to afford college for the kids ("your" kids, she said).
At a calmer time in the future, perhaps with the marriage counselor since your wife is something of a loose cannon, I would address the "your" kids comment and the danger and damage that can occur from that term being used in a defensive way during an argument.
Quote: So why is all of the debt you're in now, solely your fault?
Uh. I dunno. Because she says so, and she's the financial whiz? Think again, Einstein.
Remember when she "misread" the tax law about adoption credits and had to pay a lot more in taxes than she thought? Oh yeah. It was like $13,000 more! Right. And remember when she made more money last year than she thought she would and SHE remembers telling you to change the amount of your withholding, but you neither remember her telling you, nor did you change the withholding? Yeah, that ended up being over $20,000 we owed the IRS. And remember when you got the home equity loan to pay off the IRS and her car loan and part of the credit card bills? Yeah. Those credit card bills you just realized you should have been exonerated for? Hmmm.
So, make the list of initial debt incurred, when, why and add the amount currently owed. If you don't know these things or do not have access to the info, then I would gently say that you are abrogating your responsibility.
Once you've got it down in black and white for yourself, you don't have to stand there mute when she begins her "Harry is a debt-producing financial monster, woe is me" routine.
Having your wife deal with the finances should not translate into HD doesn't have clue or input into the budget, but must live with whatever end result wife has chosen. I deal with the finances in our relationship as well and always have. That doesn't mean that I take or have a right to the position of being all-powerful and all-knowing.
When she began to make more money, why didn't she adjust *her* withholding accordingly? Why would her greater earnings mean that your withholding should change?
I admire the way you are thinking your way through all this, HD, and not getting trapped in the merry-go-round.
