My wife came across the receipt for my $15 lunch with N. She asked me about it, and I told her what it was. She tore up the paper, threw it on the floor, and said, "this is what I think about that." Followed by a one hour tirade that alternately focused on what a selfish ba$tard I am, how she needs to get away from me, how stupid I am, why didn't I check with her before spending this money, how I am going to bankrupt her, what a bimbo N is, did she give me a BJ for the $15, how she's going to draw up the divorce papers, and...that was just the first two minutes.
She said I was so selfish to be spending HER money, essentially taking food out of the mouths of my wife and kids to feed myself at a lavish restaurant with my "girlfriend."
I kept coming back to the facts, which are that I have known N for about 15 years, and the occasion was her birthday, and there is nothing illicit about our friendship.
Then she would focus on the money issue, which is that we have a budget, that it is a monthly budget, and that we are $44 in the whole on the "food and groceries" line item. She says I should have known that, and, if I didn't have time to check the budget, I should have called her in advance and asked her.
She's pretty obsessive about this budget, and it's not all in all a bad thing, but it's become some sort of sacred icon, with which one does not trifle. However, it is very important to her, so I apologized for spending $15 over the food budget.
But that wasn't enough. She began talking about how we were going to go bankrupt, we had so much debt, we weren't going to be able to afford college for the kids ("your" kids, she said). She had just written a check for my health club membership: $170 annually. I took the check out of my wallet and tore it up. "Here, now we have $170 more." At which point she said, "Great. You'll give up your health for N."
H: No, I'll give up my health club membership for our kids' music lessons, college, etc. I'll just get out and walk during my lunch.
But there was no reasoning to be done last night. She took away my glass of wine because she said she had bought the wine with her money.
Bear with me here, folks. Inner dialogue coming up, and I'm putting it down here as more of a need to archive it, then for anything else.
You see, all of HER money goes to pay the debts I created, and stuff for MY kids. MY money is barely enough for day to day expenses. Every time I go out with my "girlfriend," she (my wife) has to work that many more hours to pay for it, since I am on a fixed salary. Every cent I spend is one cent less available to pay down our debt. And so on.
So, this morning, I started to think. Okay, Hairdog, you're not that great with money, but what was that feeling you had when she mentioned the amount of debt you were in? Oh yeah, astonishment. Hairdog, how much debt did you run up before you married her, and never really told her about until about 2001? Ummm, about x thousand. And when she took over control, she put that x thousand on a no-interest credit card and you started giving her x hundred dollars every two weeks out of your paycheck to pay it down. And you paid it down and paid it off, right? Yep. So, when she moved to KC, and you took over paying the bills, you screwed up again. Right. You were having trouble keeping up with some expenses because she had just opened her law firm, and didn't have much money coming in from her, and, instead of telling her that you both needed to stop spending money, you tried to fix it, and kept the problem a secret from her for about three months, and then she found out and was pissed and took over the finances. Okay, right.
So why is all of the debt you're in now, solely your fault?
Uh. I dunno. Because she says so, and she's the financial whiz? Think again, Einstein.
Remember when she "misread" the tax law about adoption credits and had to pay a lot more in taxes than she thought? Oh yeah. It was like $13,000 more! Right. And remember when she made more money last year than she thought she would and SHE remembers telling you to change the amount of your withholding, but you neither remember her telling you, nor did you change the withholding? Yeah, that ended up being over $20,000 we owed the IRS. And remember when you got the home equity loan to pay off the IRS and her car loan and part of the credit card bills? Yeah. Those credit card bills you just realized you should have been exonerated for? Hmmm.
Now, I'm not saying that I'm not responsible for any of the debt. I most certainly am responsible for my share of the income tax. But I'm not responsible for the miscalculation that resulted in a huge tax burden two years ago. And, because I can't recall her telling me to change my withholding, I can't say that I'm at totally at fault for the recent income tax liability. Even if she did tell me to withhold and I promptly forgot, it's not like I "ran up debt." I gave her all the money from my paycheck...it went right into her account. We both spent that money. It was a tax owed on our combined income, so I'm not solely responsible.
Heck, she taught tax and business stuff, and it was understood from the git go that she would handle all the taxes.
No, I don't think she's a spendthrift. I don't think she's a wild spender at all. I do think that she refuses to take the blame for anything, and since she can point to some early blunders of mine and conveniently insert them into our current situation, she can still avoid any blame. Because I am, in this area at least, a very trusting person. People start talking numbers and, usually, my eyes glaze over. Thanks to the clarifying powers of the morning shower (and Adderall XR), things aren't as obvious as they were last night, with me being the wreckless spender, and her, the virgin saint of the purse.
Even though this whole deal doesn't have a lot to do with libidos, I still call "long-term-board-member privilege" to be able to put it all down here.
Thoughts, comments, suggestions and sledgehammers upside my head welcome.
