Oh, one more thing. Before we started talking, she had filled out this sheet about finances and how we should divvy it up. It was obvious to me that she was trying to prove that she was providing more $$ to the family, at least in proportion to the amount of kids she was "responsible" for. She said I should be paying 2/3 of this or that, and all of the van payment, etc. And she said, to the extent that you don't make enough to cover all of your responsibilities, you can borrow the money from me at prime rate.
I looked at the list, and very calmly said, "okay. First I want to sell the van. I'll get by with the truck (1972 Chevy pickup). Then, let's sell the house. It's too big. I'll have to start working nights and weekends, which will, of course, increase our childcare costs."
Anyway, we got past that, because she knows that she's either in or out. I've survived on much less money than she ever has, and, while I enjoy our home, it's just "stuff."
What I wanted to tell y'all is that, in the context of her inability to ML, and my inability to act perfect enough for her to feel "safe," I said, "It's becoming obvious to me that things will never change. Instead of getting all upset about it, I need to listen and learn from what you and the MC have been telling me all along: that I should be responsible for my own happiness. The problem is, that I can't seem to do that within my moral framework. I want to ML. I want sensual pleasure. I married you for many reasons, but a big one was that I love you and want to only share that sensual pleasure with one woman, my wife. Because that appears to not be possible, I think I'll just have to take responsibility for my own happiness by changing my moral framework and going outside of our marriage."
"If you do that," she fired, "you'll have to use your own money. You'll probably have to get another job. If it's that important to you, fine, but you'll be giving up your time with the family so that you can afford your trysts."
Yes, she really said that. She put it totally in a financial context. I told her that there was nothing going on now, and nothing in the works, but that if an opportunity came up, it will be increasingly difficult to hold up my moral shield and just say "no." And then the conversation moved away from that, and on to other things.
In the interest of my "give a damn is broken" and the spirit of my new transparency, I need to ask her if she wants me to let her know if and when a PA is imminent. I don't want to lie, whether it's about not wanting to talk to her, about giving the dogs their pills, or having an affair.
