I think you're getting it here. If you tell her exactly how you're feeling in the moment, which comes with that total transparency your are talking about....you will basically be doing many of the things that some of us have been doing that's been working.
I guess that's what I started to call "my give a damn's busted". It's not that I didn't care what my H would think or say in reaction to what I would say....it's that I finally decided you know what! This is how I feel about this situation, I've told you how I feel....it's up to you to deal with it or not, but this is where I stand.
I think if you start doing this you're going to see some changes.
Also I like the fact that you called her out on her "safe" comment. Her feeling safe makes me think of some of us on here who have an ideal (yes, I'm one of them) of what our W/H should do to make us feel desired. Sometimes we get this image of EXACTLY what it should look like to us, and it's unattainable for our S. I think that's what she's done with "safe", especially if she doesn't let you know what it is that you can do to make her feel that way.
