Lillie: I did read your dialogue. I have tried that before (I call it Corri's "not getting into her sh!t" method) and it works sometimes. Sometimes it just delays the inevitable hashing out of every little detail. Usually, it just makes her mad and she says I'm being passive aggressive.
Blackfoot: I hear ya. I am that nice guy and I am stuck in my W's version of poke the bunny. I can act like the mean guy or the apathetic guy, but eventually I revert to nice guy. I'm not back to doormat guy, but I see the need to dial down from nice guy. I'm working on it.
Last night we had a long talk. I decided to be as open and honest as I could possibly be with her. I told her my thought progression, how I had been working so hard all weekend, how I wanted to celebrate my raise, how I felt when she minimized it, how I felt when I decided to do the bath thing, how I felt when she went downstairs, etc.
I also told her that I thought she had come to a decision at some time that she did not ever want to ML with me. I said she had decided not to tell me this because she feared my reaction. She said that I was wrong, but that she had decided (and has told me in the past) that she didn't want to ML with me until she felt safe with me. I told her that these words about "safety" were code words. I said that she was putting this condition on ML and that she would only agree to ML with me if I was so perfect that she finally "felt safe" with me. I told her I would never be that perfect. "In fact," I said, "I guarantee you that I will never be that perfect. It's an impossibility."
She said that she was happy with me, and that, although feeling safe was a pre-requisite for ML with me, it was not a prerequisite for her loving me, being happy, and staying in the relationship. She said that she wished I would just accept her the way she was, and be happy. Then, she said, maybe we would all relax enough to ML.
I told her that I thought most of our problems came down to this: her father did not accept her as she was. His love was conditional. She knew that I wanted to ML, so she was using her rejection of my sexual initiations as tests...like a laboratory recreation of this dynamic between her and her Dad. She wanted me to accept her and love her unconditionally, even if she didn't do what I wanted her to do.
(If you remember, after her parents got divorced, she ended up with her father and his new wife for about 5 years. At 14, she told him that she wanted to go live with her mother. He never forgave her for that. And, to this day, still hasn't. Really. It was one of the first things he said to me when I met him. I wish they both could get over it.)
So I told her this...and she stopped. But only for a moment. Then she said that maybe I was starved for affection as a child and that was why I wanted it so badly now.
I said, "oh." (Thanks, lillie and corri). I said I'd have to think about that.
Where are we? I don't know. Just another mile or so along the journey, I guess. And a few days older.
I've decided to basically tell her everything that I am thinking, from now on. Total transparency. It will either bring us closer together, or it won't. One of the reasons I'm going to do this is because she criticized me for lying to her yesterday morning. Mondays are supposed to be the mornings when I stick around while she gets ready for work, we talk, etc. I woke up yesterday and just didn't want to be around her. I showered, dressed and said goodbye. As I was leaving, she said, "hey, it's Monday." Instead of telling her, "I know, but I really don't want to be around you right now," I lied and said, "Oh, I have some stuff I need to do at work." Personally, I call that a little white lie. She doesn't see it that way of course. Henceforth, when I don't want to be around her, or if I'm upset with her, or if I think she's a soul-less asexual castrator, I'll just take a deep breath, and tell her what I'm thinking. No more smoothing the edges for her comfort. And when she complains about my attitude, I'll just tell her that I refuse to lie to her.
