Happenings this weekend: I suggested going out to celebrate with her and all the kids. She rolled her eyes, said it was going to be too expensive. So I suggested that we celebrate with just her and I and DD4. Still, expensive. "We've gone over our food budget for the month. The raise you got is nice, but it's not that much. We can't start living like we're rich. But, if you want to, I suppose that's fine."
Talk about sucking all the joy out of something.
I decided to nix the dinner, and instead, to celebrate with something that cost nothing. I told her to forget about the dinner. Instead, while she was putting DD4 to bed, I filled up our jacuzzi tub, put about a dozen candles around it, and got in.
I heard her come in the bedroom. "Did you know that there is some dog crap out here? What are you doing?" H: Just relaxing. Want to join me? W: I'm going to clean this up.
(Granted, I had rented a carpet cleaner this weekend and cleaned all the carpets in the house, at her request. I had worked about seven hours Saturday, and three hours Sunday, cleaning carpets. So, fine, clean up the crap.)
After about 15 minutes of crap clean-up, during which my DD4 came in, looked around and asked me why I was in HER tub, W came up.
W: You know, I had my bath earlier today.
Yes, she had. She had taken a bath with DD4. But was I wanting her to take a bath for practical reasons? No. And, understand, I didn't particularly expect anything out of this. I thought it would just be nice to take a bath together in this huge tub which is in our master bath. We've never done this before with just the two of us.
She patted me on the head.
W: I think I'm just going to sit downstairs. H: That's fine.
I stayed up there about 30 minutes by myself. I then came downstairs, and hung out at the PC, while she was in the other room, watching TV. By the way, she had spent the whole day copying her CDs to iTunes.
She certainly shows the ability to make time for things that are important to her: iPod-related stuff, cleaning up dog crap, watching TV.
Meanwhile, I'm trying really hard to do all the things that were on her "list" that she gave the MC. In fact, that is why I gave up my celebration dinner out: She had asked that I "stay within budget." I know, it's stupid, but some sort of "fairness" elf told me that giving up that dinner and putting some effort into being "romantic" might result in at least some nominal physical contact. I am being totally honest when I tell you that I did not expect sex/ML out of all of this. I would have been happy if she had just joined me and we had talked.
But I invited her once. I'm not going to belabor the point. It was, shall we say, farking obvious that I wanted her to join me. Yeah, I always light candles, get two glasses of wine, and slip into the tub for a bit of solitude. You should have seen it, ladies. Not only would you have been proud of me for putting forth the extra effort to be "romantic," you probably couldn't have helped yourselves, it was so pretty.
That was actually painful to read, Hairdog. Sorry. Now I'm going to try and give you some constructive criticism. We all know the saying, "we teach people how to treat us." Your W seems to be getting some positive reinforcement for doing what she wants to do, saying what she wants to say, etc. When she said going out to dinner was too expensive, you relented and stayed home. When she complained about the dog crap, you jumped right on that. When you put the romantic candles around the jacuzzi, she patted you on the head and told you she was going downstairs. You said "That's fine." It wasn't fine!!!! My H used to pull this stuff all the time and boy did the resentments build up. You vented here, "she is an utter failure." Why don't you TALK TO HER about how you have just about had it with her behavior. She needs to know, IN THE MOMENT. I understand you don't want to make things worse but in your case, I think things need to get worse before they get better. She rules the roost. She knows it, and I doubt she has very much respect for you frankly. She calls the shots because she gets away with it. You need to change before your R with your W will change Hairdog.
Hairy, I have gotten stuck on the puter, online gaming, CD creating and of course boards. Keep in mind its like a brand new gift during the holidays. In a week or so, it will tone down.
Now there is the opposite. Because of the time it takes to learn new hardware/software, I have not played with the palm D gave me last year. Not getting to a gift also weighs hard to the giver.
Considering my love of water and wanting of a jaccuzzi tub, the scene you painted was wonderful. Too bad DD4 was still awake. Or don't you think that had a thing to do with it? BTW, I'm getting bolder in asking questions when H does something that hurts or makes no sense. Ask her why she didnt care enough to take you up on your "date".
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Sorry to hear you had two drink both glasses wine. What she did is awful; she so needs to be SPANKED. Maybe the dog knew she was going to be a SH!T and left the crap for her on your behalf
FWIW, MrsGGB must have recieved your bath vibes, because she drew a Bath for us, lit candles, got some drinks and invited me in. Yes, I did take her up on it, and I thanked her for thinking about me.
Thanks for the laugh, GGB. I'm in a bit of a better mood this morning, not because of anything particular good happening, but because I'm not going to wallow in her sh!t.
We did have a talk this morning. The usual pattern...I left without saying "I love you." She called, all hurt. I told her I was too busy. She acted even more hurt, and said she knew I was upset with her, why didn't I want to talk with her, yadda yadda yadda. Finally, she told me that the reason she didn't get into the tub was because I hadn't asked her about it ahead of time.
She said that I needed to "let go" and give up my expectations of what a wife should be. I told her that I had certainly gotten to the point where I had given up any expectations of what SHE would give to me. She hung up. She called back. Knowing that we weren't going to get anywhere unless I said I was sorry for hurting her, I apologized for the hurtful way I said that, but that I was definitely back at that place where I saw nothing particulary "loving" (in my definition of it) in our future.
She said that it was all within my control and that if I just "let go...." I said "fine. I have to "let go" and then our love life would be great because I would finally embrace HER definition of LOVE which involves no physical contact.
W: You would be so astounded with how wonderful our marriage could be if you weren't so afraid to give up feeling like you weren't getting what you deserved, what you wanted. H: The problem with that is you are the final judge of whether I've 'let go' enough. I've been there, and I don't like it.
Sounds like I need to swing by and take you on that search for a nymphomaniac, that might appreciate a sensitive, romantic man who just wants to feel closer to his partner. That is not too much to ask. Why do we stay with these women?? I have told my partner that I want a seperation. She immediately replied that she loves me and would do anything to keep the family together. Her actions, however, have been nil. She shows no affection, makes little physical contact, has not really done anything. Other than not being outwardly angry with me for going hunting , golfing or fishing. No difference. So, after giving yet another chance for her to understand the risk her lack of affection, touch and sex has had on our shakey union, I am again looking for an apartment to move into, and doing the mental checklists of things to get arranged. She (like yours) simply doesn't "Get it". I do not think she ever will, I've lost any real hope in that. We're in the same boat, my friend. CD
Thanks for checking in, CD. Last night was the first "romantic" think I've tried in a long time. I used to do/try that sort of thing a lot. My ex appreciated it, and various girlfriends did too. But when I was romantic with Ms Hdog, she kind of poo-pooed it. Then, she mentioned about 6 months ago that she misses romance. I was thinking yesterday that our "encounters" (meaning, attempted encounters) have all been in bed, no music, no candles. So I thought I'd give it a shot and, if it didn't pan out, at least I'd enjoy a bath.
I think you should tell her (or email her) "I think you would be astounded at how great our M could be if you would only give up your aversion to being physically close to me."
Why should YOU give up what you deserve...and what you want...but she gets to hold on close to the things that she needs out of the M?
