hd, I'm going to cram your feet into these one-size-fits-all boots that I've been handing out to Lou and ZBube. How about if you just refuse to take ANY bait that she hands out? The core of the strategy is do not defend yourself, no matter what she says. You can apologize if it seems appropriate, but only once, and don't go overboard. Thus:
She: I'm still mad at how crappy you were to me last night. You: Oh? She: Yeah, I was having a bad day and you didn't show me one bit of sympathy. You: I'm sorry. She: You know, you want this marriage to be better, but you constantly drop the ball. You: Oh? She: And your lame apology doesn't make it right! You: Oh? She: Stop saying "Oh?"! You: I'm taking the kid(s) out Saturday night to celebrate. You're invited. She: As long as it's free. You: Oh? She: Your ex is probably going to siphon off all of your raise in increased child support You: Oh?
Gee, I may take up playwriting...
The key is no matter how much she sticks the cattle prod into your side, don't react. In these situations, think of her as the bully on the school bus who needles you every day, trying to pick a fight.
I would advise against stopping the MC. But I can certainly see YOU going on your own. If it's too expensive, cut back on the sessions. Go every other week or every third week or once a month-- but GO-- FOR YOU. I think you need someplace to go and talk to a sane person about your sitch (besides here, even though we ADORE you).
When it comes time for the next session, tell W you're going alone. That you've decided the money needs to be spent on the person who's planning on changing and clearly that's you, not her. And if she tries to get you to expand on that idea, go back to the "oh" responses.
If you go to her and say let's drop the C, we're not making any progress, that will be SOOO the opposite of a 180-- I guess it would be a "zero." What I mean is, that would be very predictable. She is dragging her feet because she WANTS you to propose y'all drop the C. Then later she can throw that up in your face forever: "Even MC couldn't help you get over yourself!"
But if you go on your own, that will be a 180, and besides you NEED a face-to-face friend to vent to.
My 2 cents.
Lil (who lives 113 miles from the sea wall in Corpus Christi )
I agree that dropping the C would be giving in to her BS. What about deciding to do individual T instead or along with AND be sure to find a male C. It would absolutely drive her MAD to know that you have these sessions that she is not privy to.
Quote: H: I'd like to go out Saturday night. W: As long as it's free.
Um... That's a joke, right? She didn't really say (and mean) "as long as it's free.."?
You guys are both lawyers, right? You can't be poor.... What the hell is wrong with her? (don't answer, rhetorical question...)
I say you go out saturday night by yourself, have some food and a few beers to celebrate. Bring along a male friend for company, if one is available. Don't even tell your wife you're going, just get up and walk out the door. Wear body armor, upon your return.
I'm sorry to hear that W is being a party poop. Be good to yourself, hang on to that PMA, and have compassion for W. She's in a miserable place, it seems. Being so defensive that you're unable to share in your partner's joy sounds a lot like hell to me.
Hey Paul! (How's your sitch?) Yeah, she really did say that. No, we're not in dire financial straits, but she's in charge of the budget and says this kind of thing all the time. Usually, as the day gets closer, she relents and agrees that we have a few bucks to spare for a scrap or two of food. Remember though, I got a bunch of kids that are going to be heading off to college fairly soon. We are both trying to be careful with the money.
Well, since you ask... it's been a bit of an interesting, though uneasy, truce. I decided a couple of months back to basically pretend I'm living with my sister: Get along, have fun, do the normal things, but do not give or expect to receive anything physical. I don't mean just sex, I mean anything. I don't touch her shoulder as I walk by, or give her a hug hello, or anything. To my surprise, this seemed to confuse her a bit, and she's been more affectionate. Actually, we've been getting along great. It's no long term solution, but.... you ever see "Risky Business"? Sometimes you just gotta say, What the F*ck! Change the dynamics a bit, know what I mean? We'll see where it leads.
Quote: But sheesh...we can afford dinner.
Yeah, that's what I figured. Seriously, go by yourself, or take your kids out to pizza or something. If your wife wants to tag along, good for her.
Blackfoot: I used to be the budget guy in the house, and I use the term "budget" very loosely. I got the bills and sent the checks. After I ended up screwing up a couple of times, I handed it over to W. In spite of the fact that she can be a real b!tch on wheels, she has done great with our finances. She made a budget, and we stick to it. She shares the budget with the kids and they have to stick to it, too. One of the kids commented to me the other day, "I like it over here (as opposed to his mom's house) because it's always clean, quiet, and I know we're not going broke." H: Going broke? Kid: Yeah. I have no idea if mom is poor or rich. I don't know if she's putting away money for college or not. She buys herself stuff all the time, but, when she buys us stuff she always complains that you left her in poverty. I know you're putting away money for my college because you've shown me the account. I want to be like you guys when I grow up, and have a budget.
I want my wife to continue being the one in charge of the finances. I admit that I can spend irresponsibly, and she keeps me in check.
I appreciate your comment that a change in financial control can really change the dynamics of the relationship. I just need to find a way to change the dynamics outside of the financial control issue. And I am actually doing that, little by little. Ask some of the oldtimers here. I used to be such a doormat. Not any more.
After I ended up screwing up a couple of times, I handed it over to W. In spite of the fact that she can be a real b!tch on wheels, she has done great with our finances
I assumed this is why she does the finances...
I want my wife to continue being the one in charge of the finances. I admit that I can spend irresponsibly, and she keeps me in check.
Do you remember Underdogs comments in Karen1's thread about how her H wanted her to just know that he wanted to do the fiannces even though she was quite capable of them?
Maybe there is some sort of reverse of that going on here. Do you think she likes 'keeping you in check'? Sounds like a mom's role. Instead of admitting you can spend irresponsibly, how about proving you are responsible, take the stress off of her for a while, and become the NO man, a d!ckhead on wheels so to speak. Think it could up her respect of you?
It would sure put you outside of your comfort zone, telling your wife NO to this or that purchase, and I bet even though she will B!tch alittle, she has been in that seat and will respect it. \
Confidance comes directly from courage. Would this take courage on your part?
Even your son has voiced tht this is a good thing, and something he admires and respects .
at any rate if you ended up seperated or single again it is something she is good at that you say you need to work on.
as for hairymat... Ive noticed. Its good to see.
Oh yeah , if you end up 'in poverty' its not my fault. LOL
