I've been feeling guilty about not journaling more regularly lately. But I'm going to take Sage's sage advice and journal for myself.
It's been a quiet but cold week. Winter has set in early in the midwest, and it's frigid (more like January). But the snow has been beautiful. I enjoy the opportunity winter provides us for introspection. I have spent some time lately thinking about where I was last year at this time, where I was the year before, and where I am now.
Two years ago was very strained. SO's daughter had moved in with us, and it was our first Christmas with her here. We were not far enough into our R to have established our own traditions, so we were still grasping at straws and trying to figure things out. Since his D15 was new to the equation, it made things more complicated. I was also under a great deal of stress at work with some added responsibilities. All in all, it was not necessarily a good time.
Last year at this time I was celebrating the holidays as a single person again. I was dating Mr. Professor, but it certainly was no firecracker R. We very much enjoyed each other's company. SO knew I was dating, and I think this is about the time he started dating OW1. We rarely spoke; I never initiated contact. And when we did speak, he was always very agitated. I would just DR my derrier off, listen, smile, validate, and not share much of what was going on in my life. It worked very well! I thank God for those tools...they helped me keep my head about me in the face of some very challenging times.
In retrospect, I really think it bugged the daylights out of him that I was building my life just fine without him.
This year, I think I am in a much better place, and it's not just because of the reconciliation with SO. It has more to do with DR and the lessons I've learned over the past year. I've learned to live in the present. I've learned to appreciate the gifts I have around me. I've learned to be quiet and watch and wait for what is around the corner, because even though it might be hard, it will always be good in someway because God is good. And if I am especially quiet and watchful, I will see a miracle or two.
I have learned that there are wonderful, loving, gifted, broken people in the world, thanks to this BB. Knowing that helps me be more sensitive to those I come into contact with on a daily basis. It helps me to remember that I don't know their story so I should be extra kind to them, just in case they could use a little extra kindness.
I have learned <sigh> yet again to let go of past hurts. Once I have learned lessons from them, they offer nothing else of value to me and they only weigh me down and prevent me from continuing on my journey.
That is enough for now.
I am looking forward to a wonderful weekend. SO's D15 is with him, so we won't be having any sleep-overs , but tomorrow night is my semi-formal holiday party for work. SO is going with me; I have a lovely new (inexpensive) party dress and we are going to have a lovely time which includes dancing (our second favorite activity to do together).
Looks like you are at a very good place. I recall many of your travails on the journey. Especially the A-bomb...whew! And you are getting a sparkling rock on your finger sooooooon!
What has been helpful in the rebuiling of the R? What are your top 5 recommendations? Have there been any backslides?
Hey! I've been watching your sitch and meaning to post -- hopefully I can get to that tonight.
I've been thinking about this very question myself! Get outta my head, girl! I swear...one of these days we are going to meet, even if I have to wait until the next life!
No, no backslides...none at all, for either of us. SO has been doing wonderfully. He's been very reassuring and doing what is reasonable to rebuild trust without either of us sacrificing our personal space or dignity. And I feel I am doing the same.
What has been most helpful? For me, it's been maintaining a positive attitude and patience and keeping my expectations low.
Let give my "top five" some thoughts, okay?
And yes, the party went wonderfully! We had an excellent time, danced for nearly 3 hours straight (yes, my legs were sore!). SO looked great and so did I! He noticed a couple of the guys there eye-ing me! Woohoo! Made a couple of comments in that he was sure if I were there by myself I would have had a full dance card!
Yeah, the A-bomb time sucked. I think it speaks volumes about both SO and me regarding how much we have both grown in the past year. I think it is a huge sign that we have been able to put that behind us.
Gotta run to an interview(ee). I'll try to make it back yet tonight, but I've a long day/evening full of meetings. blech
Slowly asked these questions on her thread and has started doing some analysis, and I wanted to post them for my own pondering:
Quote: Step 1 - Identify the Changes What is happening that I want to continue to happen? How have the changes in our relationship affected the rest of my life?
Willow, not to hjack your thread; but I could use some insight/opinion into my sitch, as you are one of the few success stories I have read...Hope u have some time to stop by and comment!!
Okay, I have really been giving this some serious thought, and this is what I'm able to articulate to date:
Patience. Patience with yourself and with your WA. None of this can be rushed, ever. Rushing only sets you back miles and miles.
Remember to treat your WA as a friend first and foremost. I think this helps us to be more respectful toward our beloveds.
Once you have learned a lesson from a hurt, let go if it. It is not worth carrying in your heart. If you do, there will not be enough room for anything positive.
Never, ever use past behavior or statements to beat your beloved over the head with. You wouldn't like it; why would they?
If something is not working, then STOP doing it! Doy! This is the first lesson we should all learn from DR.
Okay, I think those would be my top recommendations.
Journal Entry Wednesday, December 28, 2005 -- Post Christmas F/U Entry
The Christmas holiday was delightful. SO spent his holiday with his dad's family. His D15 is out of state visiting her maternal grandparents. He had a very nice time with them. He spent Christmas Eve cleaning and organizating his kitchen cupboards. This is a manifestation of his OCD stuff coming out in nesting behaviors, which is fine with me. I think this is something his C directed him toward earlier this year as a positive way to expend his energy.
I spent my Christmas Eve and Day at my mom's with my kids and grandbabies coming and going at their leisure. It was lovely. The baby boys are doing wonderfully. Tristan, now 6.5 months old, was able to rip the paper off of his gifts. Of course the paper held more interest for him than the gifts, but who cares? It was wonderful to see!
I returned late in the afternoon Christmas Day and SO and I had our own Christmas celebration. He grilled steaks which we shared with some salad on the side. We exchanged gifts and watched a movie and just had a lovely, quiet evening at home.
We each went our own ways the following day with errands and whatnot, coming together again in the evening. We did the same yesterday, though we spent more time together going out for a late lunch and then a matinee. We watched "Memoirs of a Geisha." Very touching movie, and we were both moved to tears (him more than me, a bit, I think).
Today I am back at work; he is celebrating Christmas with his mom's family and brothers. Tonight I will be at my own home getting caught up on laundry and such. We've a party we'll be attending on Friday with a good group of friends. NYE is a bit up in the air, and we may end up spending it quietly at home (nothing wrong with that...quite romantic, I think! ) And we've an Open House on the 2nd, and then back to work. I've a couple more parties for work and such coming up between now and the middle of the month. SO has some gigs for pvt parties coming up with his comedy troupe.
Things are going well. In the past I probably would have been upset about not spending all of Christmas together. But I have learned it's not about the specific day or time or even the specific activity. It's about being present in the present and not taking it for granted. The key is to try to make every day Christmas or Hanaukka or whatever you choose to celebrate. The holiday doesn't matter. Just celebrate the day, the present, and the wonderful people around you.
SO made a comment to me about a week ago that I seem much calmer than I used to. I believe he is right. The source of my calm is the confidence I feel. I no longer need to fret over being abandoned, by him or by anyone else. If someone in my life chooses to leave, then so be it. There is nothing I can do to stop them. But it doesn't have to be the end of the earth as I know it. I know I will be fine. Not only will I be fine, I will thrive.
and journal for myself. 
, but tomorrow night is my semi-formal holiday party for work. SO is going with me; I have a lovely new (inexpensive) party dress and we are going to have a lovely time which includes dancing (our second favorite activity to do together). 
And you are getting a sparkling rock on your finger sooooooon! 
I wish for 2006 to bring many blessings to you, SO, and your ever growing family. 
) And we've an Open House on the 2nd, and then back to work. I've a couple more parties for work and such coming up between now and the middle of the month. SO has some gigs for pvt parties coming up with his comedy troupe. 
I know I will be fine. Not only will I be fine, I will thrive.