Martha - I really like the way you have described your journey thus far, and gosh, there is a big lesson here for me.
I don't necessarily need to talk specifics with him about what I'm feeling; he knows it is still painful for me, and it is painful for him. I think the fact that I acknowleged his pain helped pave the way for his acceptance of my vulnerability
I'm not sure I have ever acknowledged his pain in all of this Not sure how he would handle it necessarily, but something for me to think about.
I am truly humbled that you have/are learning something from my sitch. I am glad that I am able to put it out there in a way that is meaningful for others.
To be honest, it wasn't that hard acknowledging SO's pain because he TOLD me about it, often! Many of those encounters we had over the spring/summer included him either a) telling me in an angry way, or b) crying and telling me how painful this had all been for him, too.
There are still pieces I am trying to unravel and understand, but it's not first and foremost on my "list of things to do" with/about SO. The top of my list for SO reads, "Love well!" and 2nd, "Have fun!"
Blessings, my friend.
M (from balmy Iowa, where we have sub-zero windchills today!)
Quote: I've appreciated your take on men and on women. If you can do it, so can we!!
Much as I'd like to, Gabe, I can't take all the credit for this. Much of it goes to SO for helping me understand Martians. He's a very verbal communicator, especially for a Martian. He does a very good job communicating as clearly as possible.
What are your plans for the weekend? Are you getting your holiday decorations up? I could box up some snow and cold air and send it your way to help you get in the mood.
This kind of seems to fit some of the conversation here an on other's threads...about letting go...emphasis mine.
Peeling Away The Layers Trees Shedding Their Bark
Trees grow up through their branches and down through their roots into the earth. They also grow wider with each passing year. As they do, they shed the bark that served to protect them but now is no longer big enough to contain them. In the same way, we create boundaries and develop defenses to protect ourselves and then, at a certain point, we outgrow them. If we don't allow ourselves to shed our protective layer, we can't expand to our full potential.
Trees need their protective bark to enable the delicate process of growth and renewal to unfold without threat. Likewise, we need our boundaries and defenses so that the more vulnerable parts of ourselves can safely heal and unfold. But our growth also depends upon our ability to soften, loosen, and shed boundaries and defenses we no longer need. It is often the case in life that structures we put in place to help us grow eventually become constricting.
Unlike a tree, we must consciously decide when it's time to shed our bark and expand our boundaries, so we can move into our next ring of growth. Many spiritual teachers have suggested that our egos don't disappear so much as they become large enough to hold more than just our small sense of self-the boundary of self widens to contain people and beings other than just "me." Each time we shed a layer of defensiveness or ease up on a boundary that we no longer need, we metaphorically become bigger people. With this in mind, it is important that we take time to question our boundaries and defenses. While it is essential to set and honor the protective barriers we have put in place, it is equally important that we soften and release them when the time comes. In doing so, we create the space for our next phase of growth.
Here's to each of shedding a layer and adding a new ring (but not expanding around the middle for those of us over 40! )
I got that one in my email box at work. It got me really thinking about my sitch. From my perspective, we LBSes have to make some steps to show our vulnerability to our WASes in order to dip the domino over. If we continuously wait for the WAS to make the first move, then it will be a cold day in Hell! I am mulling over the possibility of doing something this weekend when I see my DW for the pet exchange. First, I will need to gauge where she is at emotionally considering that she's recently lost her father. That factors in how I will need to approach her.
Quote: But our growth also depends upon our ability to soften, loosen, and shed boundaries and defenses we no longer need.
I find it extremely interesting that you chose to bold this portion for I have visited and re-visited that line myself in my office. Out of the whole message's contents, I focused on this one over and over. Do I need to keep my defenses up just because I am afraid of getting my heart smashed again with rejection from DW? Is it necessary? Whose purpose does it serve if both of us continues to keep the wall up? No one...except the OW, unfortunately!
Quote: While it is essential to set and honor the protective barriers we have put in place, it is equally important that we soften and release them when the time comes. In doing so, we create the space for our next phase of growth.
This was, for me, the second most re-read part where I had to really contemplate what the next phase of growth meant to me in respect to the DBing efforts I am making toward my DW. I don't think I will ever be able to predict when the "time" comes, but I must trust in the Divine order to reveal it to me. That is all I can really do in the grand scheme of things.
I’m fairly new to this website and I should go to a newcomer thread but I caught up in reading your thread among other’s threads. Another thread mentioned that your story was inspirational so I decided to read it. I do want to congratulate you on getting your SO back! I have a comment about one of your journal entries.
Quote: He had close FF's (one of which turned into OW2, but that's another story) in whom he confided and turned to when we were on our last legs of R1. He knew then, and I'm working to make it clear now (in a good way, of course) that this is unacceptable to me.
From reading your thread it very much so seemed that the role was reversed, in which you were the close FF that he confided in and had many conversations with while he was with both OW but it was more so with OW2. It is/was ok that you were that close friend?
Quote: To the best of my knowlege, even now, SO was never unfaithful to me, at least not in a PA sort of way. He had close FF's (one of which turned into OW2, but that's another story) in whom he confided and turned to when we were on our last legs of R1.
There is a book called Genderspeak: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, it is an interesting book and it defines some terms. She's a close friend and She's an extremely close/best friend are a couple of terms that are mentioned in the book. The one refers to wanting to sleep with the friend and the other means that they already have slept with her. It would be rather ironic if your SO had a PA with OW2 during R1 and then you had a PA with SO while he was with OW2. At any rate, the book is worth reading and an interesting topic of discussion with your SO. Both my SO and I read it and discussed the book.
Obviously we're on the same wavelength here because that's why I bolded those lines. Those were the observations that really jumped out at me, too. I think we've all learned that a lot of what DR is all about is growth, but growth in such a way that we're not saying, "Screw you" to our WAS's, but we're saying "I'm going to be the best me I can be, and if you (WAS) happen to notice and remember the person you fell in love with, then Yay!"
Quote: It is/was ok that you were that close friend?
SO and I were very close friends prior to the deterioration of our R1, so this was not at all unusual. Actually we really did not discuss his R's with the OW's when we met because he was not comfortable with it and neither was I. During the deterioration of R1, OW2 was part of a larger social group he had begun hanging around with. Most of them were in their mid 20's and really had no clue what it meant to be in a life-time committed R, so when they saw he was struggling with our R, I suspected they encouraged him to end it and move on. Of course I have my suspicions that OW2 had her own motives (it was obvious she had a crush on him and I told him that prior to the bomb, but he refused to see it...men! )
Quote: There is a book called Genderspeak: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Funny you should mention this! SO is reading that right now, and it's in the hopper for me to read when he's done with it!
Not sure how he would handle it necessarily, but something for me to think about.
Slowly
(from balmy Iowa, where we have sub-zero windchills today!) 
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