Last week, I celebrated my four month anniversary of being smoke-free. It's really working this time; I have no desire to smoke whatsoever. Yay me! I'm still maintaining my minor weight gain in the 10-12 lbs. range.
Thanksgiving plans are to go to my DD25's. She's being inundated with about a dozen in-laws and has never done a turkey before, so she called me in to help. I enjoy DSIL23's family, so it should be an enjoyable time. My mom will be there too.
I'm off today and for the rest of the week, although I'm touching base at work via email. We have some training and audit issues I need to stay on top of, at least for today and tomorrow.
I picked SO up from work for lunch today, which really was just an excuse for a "nooner". We are really getting back into our sexual groove and enjoying each other very much! Recently when we were together, SO mentioned something about how good it was to have his libido back! I didn't ask him anything about it, but apparently the OWs just weren't doing it for him!
Observation: We are not spending the holiday together. In the past, this is something I probably would have pouted and brooded over. So, a little pat on my back for getting over that. We may not spend Christmas together, either, unless he would be comfortable with seeing my family. I'm okay with that, either way. I definitely want to see my family; it's my grandson's first Christmas!
We're still easing things slowly back into "family awareness". All of my family knows we're seeing each other again, but we've had no interactions.
SO finally told his D15 that we are seeing each other again, and the rest of his family knows too. His D15 took it fine surprisingly. His XW hasn't mentioned it to him yet, so I suspect she doesn't know. Or perhaps she doesn't care. She's now engaged and is planning on marrying in the Spring, so perhaps she's too pre-occupied with her own life for a change.
My room mate and I are planning our second Winter Holiday Party. Those of you who have been following my thread all of this time may recall that we did this last year when I was briefly dating Mr. Professor. We are looking forward to a very good time again and seeing some new faces at the party. SO is planning on coming, but not until after he finishes a previous engagement. He's a little nervous about it as we have not done anything socially with most of my friends yet. I'm sure it will all be fine, however.
We are still doing a very good job of managing the minor conflicts that pop up now and again. We are keeping them to a minimum, keeping them in perspective, allowing each other time alone to process, and then discussing them and apologizing to each other for our respective parts.
I've a busy evening tonight with two meetings. One is a new club I'm joining; the other is a meeting at church. But I should be home around 8 and I'm looking forward to a relaxing evening, perhaps with a movie.
It's good to have you back on board again! I sure have missed you around these parts.
Quote: Observation: We are not spending the holiday together. In the past, this is something I probably would have pouted and brooded over. So, a little pat on my back for getting over that.
This signifies a good self-awareness on your part. It is sooo important to let small things like that slide and not fret too much over it.
Quote: We are looking forward to a very good time again and seeing some new faces at the party. SO is planning on coming, but not until after he finishes a previous engagement. He's a little nervous about it as we have not done anything socially with most of my friends yet.
You do have a hand in this. How can you help SO ease into this social scene and reassure him that you are continuing to be his support system? What actions and steps can you take to effect SO's mood during the night?
Quote: We are still doing a very good job of managing the minor conflicts that pop up now and again. We are keeping them to a minimum, keeping them in perspective, allowing each other time alone to process, and then discussing them and apologizing to each other for our respective parts.
I notice that when people are piecing the M/R after the reconciliation has started that the communication channel has opened up in newer ways that are profound and seems to foster closer bonds. It seems to me that SO is learning from reading The Lost Art of Listening and applying some of its underlying principles. I am wondering if SO has read the Venus-Mars book?
I am now waiting for that sparkling rock to be slipped on your finger in not the too distant future!
Quote: This signifies a good self-awareness on your part. It is sooo important to let small things like that slide and not fret too much over it.
Thanks for the strokes, gf! Much appreciated!
Quote: You do have a hand in this. How can you help SO ease into this social scene and reassure him that you are continuing to be his support system? What actions and steps can you take to effect SO's mood during the night?
You are absolutely right, gf. Thank you for pointing this out. I will give it some thought. The party is not until the 3rd, so I have some time to work on this. One of the things that SO has been adamant about is that we "have each other's back"; that we are in support of each other. While I know my friends would not say anything bad or insulting either to SO or to me, I know I can make it very clear that I love, cherish and support him with this particular group of friends.
Quote: It seems to me that SO is learning from reading The Lost Art of Listening and applying some of its underlying principles. I am wondering if SO has read the Venus-Mars book?
Actually, we haven't gotten past the introduction in The Lost Art yet. And we've read part of M/V together and apart; he's listened to the abridged version on tape and we discussed it quite a bit when we met for some of our Sunday brunches when we were apart. It's one that we want to read again together, but right now my DD25/DSIL23 have my copy. I gave it to them as a homework assignment when things were getting tense with them before their wedding.
SO is primarly getting a lot ideas from reading a book entitled Genderspeak. It's one that he wants me to read when he's done.
I just found your thread on the success stories...congratulations...in reading your threads (all of them...) I am blown away by our similarities...from me being 42 to SO being 33 (age difference), the drinking, friends, ow, and then what really got me was Diana Krall...anyway you have just become my inspiration here at DB...I'll be reading and reading your posts...I copied some of the highlights and notes that you shared into my journal.
Best wishes to you and thank you for sharing your story!!
Happy Day After Thanksgiving to all of my DR buddies, known and lurking! I hope you all are finding wonderful things about yourselves for which to be thankful. If you haven't yet, you should be. We should all be proud of ourselves for not only being survivors, but THRIVERS, even in the midst of some very dark times of our lives.
I had a lovely holiday with my DD25 and SIL's family. Tristan was an absolute joy! He's such a good baby and loves to cuddle. He's on baby food now, so Nana got to finally feed him! Yay! I fed him apples Wednesday evening. It was so much fun spending time with him!
SO's still in his daddy half of the month, so we haven't really spent extensive periods of time together, but we've managed a couple of "nooners" this week, and they have been FUN! We're meeting for lunch in a little bit, and perhaps another "nooner"!
Later this afternoon I have a mtg at church to start getting ready for Advent. Hard to believe we are in the season of Advent already. One of the things I love about Advent is the focus on waiting...quietly and expectantly. It's like waiting for the first snow fall. You know it's coming. You want to wait quietly so you can see the first snow flake.
No matter where you are in your DR journey, take some time to slow down for a bit. Remember to wait..quietly and expectantly. Expect miracles; they are there just waiting for you to see them.
Quote: One of the things I love about Advent is the focus on waiting...quietly and expectantly. It's like waiting for the first snow fall. You know it's coming. You want to wait quietly so you can see the first snow flake.
No matter where you are in your DR journey, take some time to slow down for a bit. Remember to wait..quietly and expectantly. Expect miracles; they are there just waiting for you to see them.
No matter where you are in your DR journey, take some time to slow down for a bit. Remember to wait..quietly and expectantly. Expect miracles; they are there just waiting for you to see them.
I tried to respond to your question to me on your thread, but it had been locked out already! Geesh! After only 7 pages! They sure are getting picky around this place, aren't they?
Anyway, you asked how long it took before I was able to finally let go of the pain of betrayal. My response has a couple of parts, so here goes:
Part One -- To the best of my knowlege, even now, SO was never unfaithful to me, at least not in a PA sort of way. He had close FF's (one of which turned into OW2, but that's another story) in whom he confided and turned to when we were on our last legs of R1. He knew then, and I'm working to make it clear now (in a good way, of course) that this is unacceptable to me. I've emphasized how much I feel he is my best friend, and as he felt me drifting away, he began to feel that he too was losing his best friend. He has learned, internally, how important it is that we are friends first. We haven't discussed this in great detail, but we are moving towards having those sorts of discussions. It's part of our rebuilding process. So, in that sense, I was not betrayed.
Part two -- Nevertheless, I certainly felt betrayed when he ended our R1. That bears repeating -- I felt extremely betrayed when he chose to end our R1. I thought we had committed to each other, even though we were not married, and I was angry with him for not being strong enough to have the ba!!s to stick it out through the rough stuff.
There are still times when I am reduced to slow but bitter tears, especially when we are together sharing some tender moment that reminds me of a similar tender moment in our past R. For me, this is a process, a grieving process, if you will. I think each time I cry a little, especially when we are together, it helps get it out of my system. I don't necessarily need to talk specifics with him about what I'm feeling; he knows it is still painful for me, and it is painful for him. I think the fact that I acknowleged his pain helped pave the way for his acceptance of my vulnerability, if that makes sense?
We are at a place now where we are learning to recognize that we are the yin to each other's yang and vice versa. Sometimes he uses "soul mate" language and sometimes his Martian comes out and rejects the phrase, but we still mean the same thing. He has finally come to the realization that there is no one around better for him than me. Of course if he'd have asked me that a long time ago, I could have save BOTH of us a lot of grief and time, but you can't tell someone a thing like that. They have to figure it out for themselves.
I'm just glad he finally figured it out. SO is very big on NOT settling, even out of pride. I think that's what a lot of WAS's end up doing. They recognize they've made a huge mistake but their pride prevents them from returning, so they settle. Part of DRing means creating an environment that makes it okay for them to return. And that means putting our "victim sticks", whatever they may be, down, permanently!
I hope this helps. Feel free to ask more questions; it helps me to understand everything if I can put it into words. Feel free to email me at wllowwlk at hotmail dot com.
Willow, It sounds like I could really use your advice!!! I'm sure many people are looking to you for help right now, but if you could check out my post I'd SO appreciate it!!! I'm not sure how to link yet, but it's under Midlife Crisis, titled "midlife crisis at 28?!" I'll figure out how to link and get back to you...
IMHO, your ability to see the male perspective - and I doubt all of that ability came from your ingestion of the M/V book, made you a very safe woman for SO to approach. And in comparison to most OW, he had no better option for a friend and more in you. Nicely done! - especially since this likely involves great work and flexibility and effort to understand on your part.
I've appreciated your take on men and on women. If you can do it, so can we!!
(((Martha)))
