I tried to respond to your question to me on your thread, but it had been locked out already! Geesh! After only 7 pages! They sure are getting picky around this place, aren't they?
Anyway, you asked how long it took before I was able to finally let go of the pain of betrayal. My response has a couple of parts, so here goes:
Part One -- To the best of my knowlege, even now, SO was never unfaithful to me, at least not in a PA sort of way. He had close FF's (one of which turned into OW2, but that's another story) in whom he confided and turned to when we were on our last legs of R1. He knew then, and I'm working to make it clear now (in a good way, of course) that this is unacceptable to me. I've emphasized how much I feel he is my best friend, and as he felt me drifting away, he began to feel that he too was losing his best friend. He has learned, internally, how important it is that we are friends first. We haven't discussed this in great detail, but we are moving towards having those sorts of discussions. It's part of our rebuilding process. So, in that sense, I was not betrayed.
Part two -- Nevertheless, I certainly felt betrayed when he ended our R1. That bears repeating -- I felt extremely betrayed when he chose to end our R1. I thought we had committed to each other, even though we were not married, and I was angry with him for not being strong enough to have the ba!!s to stick it out through the rough stuff.
There are still times when I am reduced to slow but bitter tears, especially when we are together sharing some tender moment that reminds me of a similar tender moment in our past R. For me, this is a process, a grieving process, if you will. I think each time I cry a little, especially when we are together, it helps get it out of my system. I don't necessarily need to talk specifics with him about what I'm feeling; he knows it is still painful for me, and it is painful for him. I think the fact that I acknowleged his pain helped pave the way for his acceptance of my vulnerability, if that makes sense?
We are at a place now where we are learning to recognize that we are the yin to each other's yang and vice versa. Sometimes he uses "soul mate" language and sometimes his Martian comes out and rejects the phrase, but we still mean the same thing. He has finally come to the realization that there is no one around better for him than me. Of course if he'd have asked me that a long time ago, I could have save BOTH of us a lot of grief and time, but you can't tell someone a thing like that. They have to figure it out for themselves.
I'm just glad he finally figured it out. SO is very big on NOT settling, even out of pride. I think that's what a lot of WAS's end up doing. They recognize they've made a huge mistake but their pride prevents them from returning, so they settle. Part of DRing means creating an environment that makes it okay for them to return. And that means putting our "victim sticks", whatever they may be, down, permanently!
I hope this helps. Feel free to ask more questions; it helps me to understand everything if I can put it into words. Feel free to email me at wllowwlk at hotmail dot com.
