Through self-confidence and insight, we begin to gain knowledge about ourselves and learn new skills and while (let's be honest) deep down we may not, no matter how much we wish to let go and forgive the other person, we can forgive ourselves which to me is the first step in healing and moving forward.
Agreed. No one forgets, and we shouldn't--I don't ever want to go through all this again. Forgiving ourselves first lets us move forward. It takes a strong person to choose to truly forgive others and really do it.
It's been an interesting past couple of days with SO. Between our respective busy schedules, we hadn't really spent any quality time together since last weekend, so we went out on a dinner date Thursday night. We had a wonderful time -- lovely, long, lingering dinner, great conversation, laughter, fun, great food, a little red wine, etc. We went back to his place and I spent the night there.
Last night we each had independent happy hour plans after work, so we agreed to meet at his place around 7 for some dinner and just a quiet night.
During dinner, the conversation took a turn for the worse and we ended up having an argument. We tried the "arguing naked" thing, but I felt way too vulnerable and was really on the fence about leaving, so I put my clothes back on.
Basically it boiled down to SO saying something during dinner which hurt my feelings -- something about our past. I felt like I'd been smacked with a 2x4 out of the blue. I'd had a little too much wine with dinner, so I was having a hard time gaining control of my attitude in an objective manner. I really struggled with dragging out a bunch of crap that he'd done, in a defensive move. But I didn't. I knew it would get us nowhere and would only escalate the argument.
The whole comment was really contradictory on his part. He's told me several times that as far as he's concerned, he and I started this past August; the past doesn't count. That's why I felt fairly violated in his bringing this transgression of mine up -- I have tried to honor his perspective that we started in August. (It's not even something that I agree was a transgression on my part, but I have tried to respect that is how he percieves it.)
So gang, thoughts? I suspect this contradictory behavior of his will come up again. I could really use some input on how to deal with this in the future. I was really at a loss last night. I kept finding myself wanting to say, "But what about....?" He hates when I do this; when I point out his contradictions/inconsistencies, he feels really attacked and very betrayed (he's told me this in the past).
Thanks for reading/listening/helping me with ideas.
You mentioned before that SO and alcohol don't always go well together. You mentioned now that you maybe had too much vino at dinner. What about him?
As for the defensiveness, that's a reaction a lot of us would have. As much as you'd like the past to be past, the fact is it did happen, and it did happen between the two of you. There needs to be more letting go and forgiveness if it's going to stop rearing its head. You can't make him forgive, but you can continue working on yourself and the reactions his older "transgressions" still elicit in you.
It was lack of forgiveness that doomed my M. I told MC and STBXW that "STBXW never offers or accepts an apology." "Never" is of course an exaggeration, but that was a real issue in a lot of our M. Even those times when I apologized for something, and that probably wasn't often enough, it fell on deaf ears. Finding some way for each of you to forgive things you don't forget seems crucial to me.
(Sorry I missed your call the other night.)
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Busy schedules, underlying tension, maybe some unspoken expectations? Moments of mixed messages will happen, and often the root lies in insecurities that may resurfacing after the initial euphoria of reconciliation. Is there anything in the past that he refers to which may be a problem moving forward? Can some of your actions this past week have suggested to him the past is not nearly over?
I agree with K. You tend to lose your wonderful M/V edge with the drinks. Maybe be careful about topics when enjoying a few?
The arguing naked idea is a hoot! I've heard about it before, but you're the first to really put it into action. I imagine that your feeling too vulnerable to do so is informative about where the 2 of you are in the new R development. Just be sure to focus on developing new healthy habits rather than let the old destructive ones seep back in.
OK, Martha, I was reading "Feeling Good" over the weekend, and I was in the chapter about how to deal with criticism. The author says you need to ask questions to elicit specific information and to find something to agree with in the statements the other person makes even if you totally disagree with them. This diffuses the other person's anger and opens up space for the conversation to happen. It's hard to do this in the moment, especially when you feel blindsided, but I thought this sounded like a good strategy.
Gee...you had me completely bamboozled in my thread with your sneaky new screen name!! Shame on ya, GF!! Can you tell me the origin behind this new screen name? Will walk? Or what?!
Right now, my mental tank is at E. I'd love to offer insights and advice. Just telling you that my "real" life is occupying my attention at the moment. However, I'll be back soon!!
Just a quick note to let you know that I'm still here, lurking, reading your threads. I'm in the home stretch of my grad stats class, and my final is coming due.
I'm here, but I won't be able to post much till the end of next week or so. In the meantime, please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
M (And say a little prayer for me...I'd really love to pass this class with a B!)
Shame on ya, GF!! 
Can you tell me the origin behind this new screen name? Will walk? Or what?!
(And say a little prayer for me...I'd really love to pass this class with a B!)