Your GAL list is excellent. You know, I really learned alot from your sitch, in terms of you struggling with an overfocus late spring/early summer, and making the decision to drop the rope and focus on your own goals separate from SO. I doubt much movement toward the other stuff would have happened had you not made that choice.
In reality, at this point for many sitches, it seems like the chance for a successful reconciliation is a combination of 1) something "clicking" or issues being worked out in the WAS; 2) Successful GAL work/continued growth/issues being worked out by the LBS. Perhaps stemming from 1 & 2, there also is an ability of the WAS to see the LBS as safe, with little/no resentment about their choice to leave and all the suffering that resulted.
You're doing a nice job with all that is in your court, M. Just wanted to thank you for showing me the way.
It's been a very hectic but very productive week at work. Lots of new sources of data and lots of new ways to improve effectiveness of my team. They are a good bunch of people, and for the most part, are very motivated, positive and eager to please. I am really very blessed for getting matched with this position. I was thinking last night on my way home, even after putting in a very long day, how great it is to enjoy going to work again! Good stuff!
I went to my local Cheers last night on the way home. SO's D15 had a swim meet, so he wasn't going to be around until later. We are developing a pattern of spending probably 5 nights out of 7 together (including sleep overs), except for the nights he has D15, which is fine with me. Considering the schedules we both keep, I'm surprised we are able to manage this. Other than traditional "date night" activities on Fri/Sat, it seems we end up arriving at each other's house around 9ish. This isn't too bad, but it's throwing off my sleeping schedule.
And here is an interesting development -- apparently at least one of the two OW SO dated while we were apart is very, very immature and perhaps a touch psychotic.
Two nights ago, I received an email (addressed to my work address b/c it's public since I'm a public employee) from an anonymous email address. In the email, they pointedly accused SO of cheating on me when we were together before the bomb.
I shared it w/SO, and he got really angry about it at first. Now he waivers between getting angry and just letting it go. To be honest, I think it's kind of funny in lots of different ways.
I've sent a couple of replies to the email, trying to ferret out which OW it is. I am also quite surprised by my own response to this.
In the past, I would have been very upset and accusatory of SO, b/c of my own insecurities. While I was initially rattled at the blatant maliciousness of it, I now readily realize two things:
1) Whichever OW is doing this, this is just really a reflection on who they are as a human being...what kind of person would do this?
2) And this is the big one -- if it were to turn out to be true, that SO had a PA while we were together before, I honestly don't think I would care. And here's why -- it's not a reflection on me. It only makes a statement about who he is, or at least was, back then.
However, I honestly don't believe it's true. Either way, it's irrelevant.
Man, how's that for a boat-load of growth in a year??? yay me!
Thanks for stopping by my thread. We must have cross-posted.
Quote: I really learned alot from your sitch, in terms of you struggling with an overfocus late spring/early summer, and making the decision to drop the rope and focus on your own goals separate from SO.
Thank you, Gabriel! This is quite a high compliment coming from you! I learned much from you too. You really helped me during those phone conversations when I was struggling so much on the edge.
Ultimately I think this is key. In my past C sessions, with a variety of counselors, Venn diagrams have always come up as a symbol. This is a visual that has helped me a lot. It's a 2 circle Venn, with each person in the R represented by one circle, and the overlapping are is the R itself. Sometimes there is great overlap, and sometimes there is a smaller area of overlap. As long as we can remember this moves back and forth, and it is our responsibility to pay attention to both our own area and the area of overlap, it can help us stay focused. The other important part of this representation is to remember that we are not responsible for paying attention to our SO's area of individuality. That's their job; not ours. This fits well with the concepts in M&V -- the whole Mr. Fix-It and the Home Improvement Committee thing.
The other lesson I've learned that has been invaluable came from the Real Magic book I read. I really needed to be reminded to keep my eyes open for the seemingly small miracles that happen everyday, which we all too easily take for granted -- a smile, a look, a touch, a flower, a thoughtful gesture. If we can be more aware of these actions around us, we can also become more aware of our ability to create miracles too, for ourselves and for others.
There is an undercurrent of energy thrumming through the Universe. Like the wind or a whisper, we can sometimes hear it and often feel it. Most of the time, we sense this energy unconsciously without any tangible proof it is really there. Thoughts, emotions, and the life force in all living things are forms of this kind of energy. So are creativity, growth, and change. The impressions, images, and vague premonitions we get about people and situations are other examples of formless energy. When you enter a space and feel an "intangible tension" in the air that gives you a sense of foreboding in your gut, what you are likely experiencing is energy.
Energy cannot be destroyed, but it can be transformed or transferred from one person, thing, or source to another. Though energy is formless, it does take form and shape in the way it flows and resides within all things: a grain of sand, a bird, a stone, and an ocean wave. Living things radiate complex vibrations while nonliving things' vibrations are simpler. Energy is a magnifier that can attract like energies while repelling disparate ones. Many of our reactions to people and circumstances are based on unconscious reactions to their energies. We may even intuitively tune into the energy of a situation we are facing when making a decision about how to proceed. With careful practice and meditation, we can learn to sense the energy within other living things and ourselves. We can also become more attuned to how we are impacted by different kinds of energy. For instance, being around too many energies can leave one person feeling edgy or excited, while another person will feel tired and drained.
While some people feel that energy can be controlled, others see it is as the unknowable force that moves through all things. The combined energy in all things plays a hand in birth, death, growth, movement, and stillness. Practitioners of Aikido believe that all living beings share a common energy source that is our life force. Whatever your beliefs, it is worthwhile to explore the roles energy plays in your life so you can understand it more fully.
So, what kind of energy are YOU putting out today?
GF...I think you already answered your own question.
Quote: 1) Whichever OW is doing this, this is just really a reflection on who they are as a human being...what kind of person would do this?
2) And this is the big one -- if it were to turn out to be true, that SO had a PA while we were together before, I honestly don't think I would care. And here's why -- it's not a reflection on me. It only makes a statement about who he is, or at least was, back then.
However, I honestly don't believe it's true. Either way, it's irrelevant.
Why give ex -OW your time, energy, and focus??!! You have the man in your arms and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Ignore those stupid, juvenile emails!
I was just thinking about a few things related to my R, this bb,the emails, etc. and something occurred to me. I'd be interested in hearing others' thoughts about this --
Is our ability to forgive related in direct proportion to level of self confidence/security?
In other words, am I (are we) more capable of forgiveness, and deeper levels of forgiveness, the more secure we are in ourselves?
The thing that's helped me most about forgiveness is that by doing so . . . it will help ME heal. Forget? No. I will forever be a different person. Forgive? Yes. I was part of the problem.
