I've been reading this book for work. It espoused 4 basic principles to apply at work:
1) Choose your attitude
2) Make their day
3) Play
4) Be there
As I was purusing the BB, it seemed to me that a lot of these principles fit DR too.
We have the ability to make choices about our attitude towards our mates and our Rs every single day when we get out of bed.
We certainly have the ability to make their day, either by giving them something they want, or giving them the space they need to figure out their own way.
We can always play, either by ourselves, with our mates, or with our friends. There's ALWAYS room for fun!
And we can always work on "being there" for our mates by making sure we are focused on what they are saying when they are talking to us and not listening to the TV, the kids, the laundry, the meal, the work we brought home, etc. Being there is about honing listening skills and just "being present" with someone.
I think I would add this book to the list of DR supplementals.
Okay, I promised to discuss some barriers that SO and I have run across, so here we go.
SO has talked off and on all during our split about journaling, etc. In a conversation about a month ago, as he was again talking about journaling, he used the word "blog" (I'm sure you all know what a blog is). At that time, I asked him if he had a blog and he said "no, I'm just using it interchangably...blog, journal, diary, etc...."
About two weeks ago, we went out after work for hotwings and beer. The subject came up again, and again, he slipped up and used the word "blog". I asked him again if he had a blog, and this time he said, "yes."
Needless to say I got pretty upset with him. This it the first time, to the best of my knowledge, he has ever lied to me about anything. Yes, I admit, I'm upset that he has actually more than one blog, and past ex gf's know about his first, but not his second (or so he said), but what really upsets me is that he lied to me about it.
I told him how upset I was about this. We parted that evening not exactly on the best of terms. We weren't angry, but I was very sad and hurt and he knew it. He apologized for lying, and he said he was afraid that if I knew about the blogs I'd go looking for them, and then I'd just be hurt by what I read. (Gee, that makes me feel good too...)
I sense that you feel very violated by SO's breach in your R's security. Today I attended a professional seminar about ethics and boundaries when working with clients. There are four types of boundaries: Emotional, Psychological, Physical, and Sexual. In today's society, the modern version of a diary is blog. The problem with blogs is that they are out in the public domain and anyone who is fairly savvy with a keyboard can access them at anytime.
Martha...are you able to pinpoint why you were upset by SO's admission? The lie is one part...but what was the actual trigger? Did you feel invaded, lack of respect, or not having your boundaries respected as an important part of SO's life? Did you two ever discuss expectations in this new R together? Have they been verbalized and understood by the two of you together? Are you two on the same page when it comes to expectations and boundaries?
Quote: he said he was afraid that if I knew about the blogs I'd go looking for them, and then I'd just be hurt by what I read. (Gee, that makes me feel good too...)
Put on your armor, my friend, because this is going to sound like two by four whacks.
How did SO react when you showed him your threads here?
Yeah, he's the WA, but if you're going to make this work, he can't be the WA and you can't be the LB anymore. He's a guy who found someplace to vent his frustration and thereby didn't take it out on you. You're a woman who was hurt and found a place to vent your frustration so you didn't take it out on him.
I bet it hurts to find out about the blog. I bet it hurts even more that he covered it up when you asked. I feel that you're both going to have to give up some hurt, or right to be hurt, if you're going to go forward. And he's going to have to be more honest and open than he was in this one instance. (Don't ignore or cling to this one instance.)
This is a test of you, of him, and of your new R. How well you and he handle it will go a long way to tell how well your new R will handle it. Now's the time for doing the things the R books talk about. You thought you had "Success in a New Day" already, but it's the start of the real work. The staying together, with and for one another. The hard stuff that is its own reward.
Just remember how much you've done so far, how much better you and your sitch are compared to, oh, let's say, last October. You've done that, you can do this.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Thanks for weighing in, friends. It's good to get your feedback.
It's not that I feel violated by him having a blog/journal/whatever per se. My feelings are:
1) First and foremost, I was (notice past tense) upset and very disappointed about his lying. We both have discussed, ad nauseum in the past, how much we both abhorr dishonesty. So I was shocked to find out that he had been dishonest.
2) I was, and still am just a little, hurt that he would share those innermost feelings with another woman/women. This was an issue I had towards the end of our 1st R -- that he was being intellectually and emotionally intimate with other women and shutting me out.
Now then, his current blog, according to what he's told me, is not known by anyone he knows, so it's completely anonymous.
I completely respect that he needs his own space. This is something we've discussed on many occasions in the past 7 mos or so. (Martians need their caves, and I recognize when I need my space too.)
And yes, K, this BB immediately popped into my mind. No, I don't want SO to come here looking for my postings (although I don't think I've said anything that would be hurtful). This is my space; it's been my place go vent and grow and cry and moan and celebrate and mourn and move forward. So no, I don't begrudge him his space.
It's mostly about the dishonesty. But the bottom line is that I have complete control over how I act, or react. I choose not to be endlessly hurt by his dishonesty. It's a reflection on him, not me. And I also choose to honor his need for space and his own life, just as I honor my own.
One area I know that I need to work on here is slipping into the friend role. I need to be more agile with this, and learn to recognize sooner when I this is where I need to be. Or perhaps I just need to be better about incorporating it into all of my interactions w/SO.
Here are just some general updates on my GAL since I've been offline (Julyish):
Quit smoking 2.5 mos. ago and am still very successful with that. Still using the gum, but it's working fine and I don't feel like I will fail this time (7th or 8th time I've quit).
Have not gained too much weight since I quit (about 10-21 lbs.) but I would like to get on top of that.
Still in grad school, taking my grad stats class now...blech! Very time consuming, but I've only 3.5 wks left.
Been spending a lot of quality time with my family with weddings, babies, showers, etc. Have one more wedding to travel for mid-November, then I think I'm finally done!
Working on starting a reading club with 3 gf's, but have been having a hard time getting it off the ground since the stats class started.
Still pretty active in church; lead a workshop earlier last month.
Still loving my new position and still learning lots and lots. Implementing some new management strategies which I think will have an overall postive effect.
That's about it for now! Whew! No wonder I'm so tired!
More later, hopefully. I have a couple of other barriers I'd like to discuss.
