How great is that. Really happy for you and it sure helps me to learn from what happened with you.
Nahhh, you're no dork. Keep posting helpful things. It sounds like that book sure helped also.
Can you let us know this..... When your H was really cold and he said no chance, did he actually believe there was and did think of you? Did he really believe there was no chance or did he not want to lead you on, etc?
Quote: Later that night we played Romeo and Juliette and he climbed into my bedroom window and we ML for the first time in eleven and a half months. By August 12, 26 yo OW2 was toast.
DBers can easily put the Days of Our Lives writers to shame with our own twists and turns! DOOL cannot ever hold a candle to our drama that is unfolding right here on the BB!!
20 Question Game
What made SO decide that you were "The One"?
What changed since SO's insistence that this R was so over when he dropped the bomb?
How did SO tell ex-OW that it was all over between them?
Does SO now know that the grass isn't greener on the other side?
Does SO know that his perceived "unhappiness" was not because of you?
Has SO worked through his issues that caused the bomb to fall in the first place?
Was it hard for SO to break things off with ex-OW? Fits and starts?
Is ex-OW truly out of the picture?
How did SO move past the H-bomb incident?
Maybe not 20 questions...but you get the idea. I am dying to know what went on in SO's mind during all of this on-going drama. I am sure you can glean bits of information from SO and share them with us who are dying to get inside of a WAS's mind.
Quote: When your H was really cold and he said no chance, did he actually believe there was and did think of you? Did he really believe there was no chance or did he not want to lead you on, etc?
I'm not entirely certain, Steve. One thing I do know. When SO dropped the bomb, he told me that it was NOT because he didn't love me.
I believe when he first dropped the bomb last September, he truly thought it was over, that we were too incompatible, regardless of how much we loved each other. He believed that a lot of changes would have to take place before things between us would ever be right enough for it to work, and he was very pessimistic that those changes would ever occur. He felt our problems were insurmountable, and it was best just to cut our losses and move on.
So, it's not so much that he thought there was no chance; he thought that it was beyond reason that we could move from point "A" to point "Q". Make sense?
After we started meeting again and just talking, as friends, even when he was seeing other women, he would indicated that he still cared for me, but that he didn't want to lead me on b/c he was committed to whomever he was seeing at the time. Famous last words, eh?
He broke up with OW1 because he didn't love her (and she turned kind of psycho on him afterwards, and he's still seeing repercussions of that). He broke up with OW2 b/c he didn't love her either.
One of the things I have told him, especially in the past 3 months, is that in spite of everything, I never doubted his feelings for me. I know he loves me, and has loved me, deeper than anyone previously. He now believes he could not love anyone as much as he loves me, and I think that, in part, is why he came back to me.
I'm not sure, other than what I replied to Steve in my post above. He knew he didn't love the other women, and he knew he'd never been loved more tenderly, passionately or wholeheartedly than he was by me. These are qualities he values in a mate. I think the fact that we did a pretty good job rebuilding the friendship during the interim helped too. I had told him post bomb that he was the best friend I'd ever had and that I missed that. Eventually he came to realize that too. Interestingly enough, last week he introduced me as "his better half". I was shocked b/c that's not anything he ever would have said before. We've talked a lot in recent months about our yin and yang.
I think probably the one thing I've done that has made the most difference here is learning to agree with him (do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?).
What changed since SO's insistence that this R was so over when he dropped the bomb?
We've come up with a couple of ground rules about arguing, which was SO's biggest issue with our previous R (the conflict was just too much for him). We each contributed these rules and agreed to them.
#1 -- when either of us has an issue that we feel might be contentious but we need to discuss nevertheless, we ask the other person to "put their armor on". This allows the other person to get into a more objective place before the discussion continues. We may take as much time as we need to put on our armor, or we even have the option to say, "You know, I just sent my armor out to the cleaners and I won't get it back till Tuesday. Will you wait till then?"
#2 -- Humorously but seriously, we have agreed that if we MUST argue, we have to do it naked! I think I read this in DR. The point is that this helps keep the argument from escalating. We haven't had to use it yet, but we will, I'm sure, at some point. It is a way to deal with spontaneous arguments when we haven't had time for armor.
How did SO tell ex-OW that it was all over between them?
I don't know. I asked a bit, but he doesn't want to talk about b/c he says it's too painful. They were friends before, and he knows he hurt her, a lot. (She always knew he didn't love her, however, so it shouldn't have come as that big of a shock...shows her own insecurities and immaturity). I imagine he'll tell me some day, but I don't press him on it.
Does SO now know that the grass isn't greener on the other side?
ABSO-FREAKIN'-LUTELY! Doy! It just doesn't get any better than this (me) for him! I think he figured that out by a) having mediocre experiences with OW's, b) seeing/hearing me be more secure (yes, I actually had to tell him how great I was/am!), and c) realizing that other men were seeing how great and special I am too.
Does SO know that his perceived "unhappiness" was not because of you?
Specifically he has learned that the problems he has with his D15 don't have anything to do with me. She's kind of figured that out too, but still occasionally slams me. When she does that, he's sure to point out that the conflict still remains, even though I've been out of the picture for nearly a year.
Has SO worked through his issues that caused the bomb to fall in the first place?
I see this as an ongoing/lifelong process. He certainly still has issues, and he readily admits that. That is why we are NOT jumping right back into living together. Besides, I had already laid the law down to him before we started dating again that I would never live with another man without being married to him. Our plan right now is to wait until he gets D15 through high school, although he will probably propose some time in the interim. But we will not marry until she is out of the house.
Was it hard for SO to break things off with ex-OW? Fits and starts?
There were no fits and starts, other than within himself. As you have seen by the dates, there was some "overlap". Even before we ML, he knew he was falling back in love with me, pre HBomb. He just had to work up the nerve to get there, just as he did with me. He has admitted to me that it took him about 6 months to break up with me.
Is ex-OW truly out of the picture?
Absolutely. She found out a couple of weeks afterwards that we were seeing each other again (she drove by his house and saw my car there). She told him he was crazy. Right now, I don't believe she wants to have anything to do with him. Evenutally they may start talking again, but the clique they hung out in together has dissolved, so there won't be the ongoing, constant social activities (which were instigated mainly by her, btw).
How did SO move past the H-bomb incident?
I'm not sure. He'd have to answer this one. I can only share what he told me. He told me that he just can't stay mad at me and that he missed me. I believe the one thing I did that helped was to simultaneously go dark and give him the space to stop being mad. I haven't asked him because I don't want to remind him of my poor actions. Right now he's very big on putting the past behind us and focusing on the now and our future together.
Hi Martha! I finally caught up w/reading your whole story and just stopping by to say 'WOW'
Couple of silly observations: your bday is 2 days b4 mine! (isn't it great to be a crab?) same age as me also!
and I get to be a first time g'ma soon also! how are the babies doing? (didn't happen to catch any details on the second one, ie. name, weight, did delivery go ok??)
Thought this might be a helpful list, though I know it's not as long as others who have posted (and not necessarily in order):
Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy , both by M.W.D. I found Divorce Remedy a little more helpful. I think I just like the image of "remedying" something better than "busting" it!
Change Your Life and Everyone In It! also by M.W.D. More of a DR approach to other relationships (family, friends, professional colleagues, etc.). I believe this came out before DB/DR.
Women Men Love; Women Men Leave. Don't waste your time on this one. Not at all helpful.
Real Magic: Creating Miracles in Everyday Life, Dr. Wayne Dyer. Excellent resource. His principles fit very well with DR and take things to another level. Jungian based psychology blended with eastern philosophy and religion. One I will pick up again!
The Notebook , Nicholas Sparks (fiction). An excellent book to read if you're needing an infusion of hope.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus , John Gray. A pop-psychology book that boils down the thought process and communication difference between men and women. I find this to be a handy reference guide and one SO and I plan on utilizing more together.
The Five Love Languages , Gary Chapman. Good general reference for learning how people hear and receive love differently. Worth a read; don't let the drippy Christian references be off-putting.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, David Burns. Excellent, life-altering reference for me.
On deck to read together with SO is The Lost Art of Listening. We are both anxious to spend some time reading together, and he had a book he wanted to do as well, so I let him go first! This was one of the easy ways I could choose happy over right -- his book is no less important than mine, so it can wait. He's happy we're doing his book, and I'm happy he's happy. Works!
Martha, it's so good to read a success story! Would you mind swinging by my thread and giving me your thoughts? I'm casting around today and need some feedback. when to separate Thanks!
Famous last words, eh?
Doy! It just doesn't get any better than this (me) for him! I think he figured that out by a) having mediocre experiences with OW's, b) seeing/hearing me be more secure (yes, I actually had to tell him how great I was/am!), and c) realizing that other men were seeing how great and special I am too. 
Right now, I don't believe she wants to have anything to do with him. Evenutally they may start talking again, but the clique they hung out in together has dissolved, so there won't be the ongoing, constant social activities (which were instigated mainly by her, btw).