Well not for nothin' but this is my observation and mine alone. I have not been bribed, or threatened or drugged to say this.
I know that I've said this to you before, but people want what they can't have. Your wife seems to react to you in a positive way when you seem to be detached. I saw this same movement and my counselor explained it to me saying that if there were a circle we would be standing in the middle while our WA's are way over against the farthest edge (represents them trying to get away from the marriage). When we change what we were doing in trying to win them back, it forces them to move back towards the middle to see what's going on. The dynamic changed from what it once was. If they don't like it, like children, the confusion causes them to test the water, or in your case, your wife's having to make the connection in order to see if you are still 'there'.
Now you find out that she's aiming herself at this unattainable relationship with a rocker. Well she can't have him but if forces her to go after it. All the while, she has 1 toe in the pool of La_Esp in order to make sure that you're still there.
Maybe you should stay somewhat detached in order to force her to put her feet in. You do know that this could go on like this for a very long time unless you help her along. How do you know that she won't keep someone in the background (if only in her mind) as long as she knows that you will always be there? If that's enough for you that's fine. I would just think that after a certain period this would be an unhealthy way to live for both of you, and oh so unrewarding!
Quote: How do you know that she won't keep someone in the background (if only in her mind) as long as she knows that you will always be there? If that's enough for you that's fine. I would just think that after a certain period this would be an unhealthy way to live for both of you, and oh so unrewarding!
Thanks for the input Beth. That's where I'm struggling. I'm not fine with just this. I know I will reach my limit unless things move off this current status quo. And I don't want to have to compete with a fantasy or be the back-up plan.
Here's the main problem. I do want to foster the friendship. I think a good R has to start there. But then I have a paradoxical struggle with myself. On one hand I feel that the more positive interactions she has with me the more likely she is to fall back into/recognize love with me and the more likely it is that she'll shake free from OM or fantasy men. On the other hand, part of me argues as you said that she is staying at the periphery as long as she knows I'm safely still there for her. It's a tough choice. But...what if I look at it this way...If you were married or in a R with some guy, but kept having contact with some other guy that did provide things along your love line. In time you would feel out of love with your H or partner and fall in love with the OM. I see myself somewhat as the OM and whether she feels she's safely staying away from a R with me, before she knows it she'll be in love with me. Or am I deluding myself?
It's a tightrope for me. I don't know if complete detachment and darkness is right, but I'm unsure how much interaction with her is right. I know that if the dynamic stays this way rather than moving closer together, for my own good I'm going to need to truly move on. I do need to be sure I'm seeing to my needs as well and a life like this won't provide that.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Wes, take the example of the OM in my sitch. A long time "friend" of my ex, had a thing with her some 20 years ago. They kept in touch over a long distance over they years, sometimes meeting up when he was in town. She meets me, falls in love and marries me. Still keeps in touch about once a year with the OM. Well, long story short, she's now living with him, as he was there when she started confiding her marital woes to him and he picked it up from there.
So, the bottom line is, he didn't wait around for her for 20 years but moved ahead with his own life, but did keep in touch and made all positives out of their contacts and gave her support and validation when she opened up to him.
Quote: Wes, take the example of the OM in my sitch. A long time "friend" of my ex, had a thing with her some 20 years ago. They kept in touch over a long distance over they years, sometimes meeting up when he was in town. She meets me, falls in love and marries me. Still keeps in touch about once a year with the OM. Well, long story short, she's now living with him, as he was there when she started confiding her marital woes to him and he picked it up from there.
Bingo! That is my sitch word for word (the only difference is the years--about 13). That is why it isn't wise to confide your marital woes to a "third party" or cross the line of being "just friends." It SUUUCKS!!
Quote: And I don't want to have to compete with a fantasy or be the back-up plan.
You deserve better Maybe going dark and moving on (not the same as giving up hope) will get her attention. I don't think things will change much as long as she knows you're waiting for her.
I see there are a lot of changes on here. I'll check up on all of you later when I get a free minute. Have a nice weekend everyone. Thanks again Gabe. Things are okay today.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think the point of DBing for your M is to leave the door open to reconciliation, but do what you need for yourself. Cripes, STBXW has had three OMs in the last three years, even while we were in MC together. She picked up with the current OM immediately after the previous guy's wife showed up on our front porch to confront her. I still have thoughts of how, "if she'd only wake up," we could avoid next month's D. (FWIW, That ain't gonna happen. It would take a lot of T on her part to show me if she were ever truly sincere.)
Of course you can hope. There are a lot of good reasons to want your M restored. But all you can do is leave the door open. You can't drag her through it, and if you stand in the doorway watching where she goes, she couldn't get in if she wanted.
Sorry I've been AWOL on your thread so long.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I like the analogies. There has been quite a bit happening, some of it really stupid on my part, but I think no harm done as of yet. Maybe actually some good came of it. I'll update when the dust has settled and I know where things stand.
April, that's one thing that has improved with this whole thing....the bravery. I mean, how can I keep taking all this rejection and keep asking for more without bravery. I think I'd be safer with you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: There has been quite a bit happening, some of it really stupid on my part, but I think no harm done as of yet. Maybe actually some good came of it. I'll update when the dust has settled and I know where things stand.
That is why it isn't wise to confide your marital woes to a "third party" or cross the line of being "just friends." It SUUUCKS!! 
Maybe going dark and moving on (not the same as giving up hope) will get her attention. I don't think things will change much as long as she knows you're waiting for her.