Nicely done! Thinking about making 'love deposits' is a good way to consider it. I believe it was John Gottman's research that found the ratio of 5 good events for every 1 bad one to a be key component of successful Ms. I imagine that ratio has to be boosted a bit if one has a depressed WAS. Maybe being D and not living together makes the bad events more controllable, and frees one up to energize and plan for the positive ones.
I admire how you're staying loose and positive around her, Wes. That sounds like a lot of pressure on you to perform well when on so many outings. I think its great that she's initiating so much contact. She's very interested in you, and definitely coming to get her love bank deposits.
I have been trying to catch up on your thread. You post to mine a lot and I appreciate it very much. I think I need to start reciprocating a little bit more often. I have been on here so little lately that I am losing touch with everyone.
I read about what you told ex regarding the baby situation. I think the fact that she came around so quickly after that discussion means no harm was done. It probably made her feel wanted. Take the John Meyer situation as a positive. At least she is so desperate for some sort of interaction that she is resorting to fantasy land. Stop snooping though. It is only going to make you crazy and cause you to send negative vibes her way. They sense them in a heartbeat.
I will keep up with your thread in the future. Things look good for you. You have been moving forward that is for sure. I know this waiting game stinks, but things could be worse.
Thanks guys and gals for the WOA. I guess I need them afterall. You only have my word for it, but I think positives as well and moving forward.
Quote: I know this waiting game stinks, but things could be worse.
You said it. I am the worlds worst at the waiting game. I'm so anxious for some kind of big, dramatic change that I'm not paying attention to the small gradual strides forward that seem to be bringing us closer together. The one thing I keep telling myself, almost as a mantra, is that this is how I want to be, just as I am now (maybe a little more detached from her), and she either will or won't choose to try again. I have no control over what she does.
I'm kind of antsy for some reason today. I have talked to her...I asked if she had been contacted by the surgeon's nurse and we talked about her kids and a game they enjoy. Then she later sent me an e-mail asking for a favor and also telling me the date and time she set up the appointment. I sent back asking if she wanted me to go with her to the appointment. She finally wrote back "if you want to come to the appt, that's cool. I'll leave it up to you." Not sure that's saying "yes, I want you to go."
Anyway, I've been thinking that I need to back off from AOS. I do them because I care about her, and also because I'm in a position to do them. I don't want her to think that it is solely to get her back. There isn't that kind of string attached.
Again, thanks everyone for your comments and encouragement. Sam, thanks for dropping by.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I say, "Go with her to the doctor." Be only a source of support and comfort for her, and look to gain nothing for yourself. I think she wants you to go and needs you for support. She would not say those things if she didn't want you there. Treat her like you would a good friend.
Thanks for that. It was my feeling that she wanted me to go, but I didn't want to overdo things if she would prefer I would back off. Sometimes girl-speak can be difficult. If I was asked that question I would say either yes or no. Actually I don't have expectations. This is a major deal for any woman and I would want to be there for her even if all I ever wanted to be was friends.
Sam, AOS is "acts of service"= doing things for someone. It has to be a secondary love language for me because in addition to PT I show my affection in that way.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Tonight I came to a realization. I don't think it is a healthy one. I have never accepted that it's over. I know I say to others.."you have to accept that it is probably over", but I personally still think in terms of being patient until we're back together. Isn't that crazy? I'm divorced. So why have I felt confident we'd be back together eventually? This whole time, since she dropped the bomb, it's been more than hope that things would work out, it has been a feeling that it's just a matter of time. I think that explains why I have been so willing to say things like having the baby comment etc.
Does anyone/everyone else feel this way? That it's just a matter of time if we are willing to endure it?
This is a problem. I have felt impervious to hurt, but I'm not sure that's true. Despite positives in my situation, I better come to grips with the possibility that it's over. Writing this is helping, but I do need to get real.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I used to think that I better face the fact that it is over. For a long time, I just couldn't accept this. I would hyperventilate at the thought of being divorced and not living my life with husband. I guess that is why they say that being in denial is used as a coping mechanism. I am still in denial really. I still believe everything will work out in the end. I know it is crazy, but I really don't care. It took me a long time to adjust to my new reality. Believing in something that may never come true is what has gotten me this far. Now I don't hyperventilate at the thought of ex and I never getting back together. I guess I am starting to accept that as a possibility.
Throughout my divorce, I would often talk to my mother-in-law. Once, I asked her if it was crazy for me to hold onto hope. She told me you can always have hope. You still need to move forward with your own life, but there is nothing wrong with holding onto hope.
I also think that if we don't pretend that being back together is a possibility then it will never happen. You make things happen in life by believing that they will come true. A positive attitude can take you far. That is why I think GAL is so important. It helps you prepare for a life with the ex again and also a life without them at the same time.
What do I know though? I am learning as I go along. This stuff is all so new to me even after doing it for almost two years now. I don't regret anything that I have learned along the way. I think things have played out exactly like they were suppossed to happen. I have no regrets.
Quote: I also think that if we don't pretend that being back together is a possibility then it will never happen. You make things happen in life by believing that they will come true. A positive attitude can take you far.
That sounds about right to me also. Believing it's only a matter of time has been my armor that allows me to handle interactions with her and any obstacles she's thrown in my way. I'm impatient, but this feeling that it's just a matter of drawing her back to me, has allowed me the little patience I do have. It helps when I tell myself..."Now give her time to digest that interaction."
Which brings me to my question. My MO up to this point has been to accept each interaction, make the most of it, spend as much time as she initiates together, and occasionally suggesting doing things together when we've had a drive spell. In between I give her a couple days of minimal interaction to perhaps a day and a half of silence. That's because it might be that long before she initiates something again. I'm trying to figure out if this strategy needs fine tuned. Do I initiate more or less? In light of my problem realistically facing the truth that we may be over forever, perhaps I should take some time to get used to this idea while still keeping some hope and optimism alive? Perhaps it's as Bruce says, wanting something to happen NOW, that makes me even ask. I suppose if in doubt do nothing (different).
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Does anyone/everyone else feel this way? That it's just a matter of time if we are willing to endure it?
Me!!!!!
As for if you need to fine tune your strategy, I'd say no, not right now. What you're doing seems to be working well. We all want it now and we all know we can't. But we have to remember not to let that need for now ruin the good we do have. Think of it as dating again. Get to know her again. (Even do silly things like ask her questions about her childhood, things you already know but you may be surprised by the new things you learn about her this way). Have fun with it and enjoy it. You'll know when it's time to change things.
You only have my word for it, but I think positives as well and moving forward.