I hesitate to even post this morning. I'm an X addict; I admit it. Should I defend myself by saying in advance that my actions don't obviously produce a negative effect? Should I work up to a DB folly or just put it out there immediately for shock value? Okay, brief summary:

-I called; I have an addiction. I weighed Bruce's words...ask yourself the purpose and what you hope to gain by it. I said to myself...the purpose is I want to talk to her and I hope to gain an enjoyable conversation. We got around to two topics...her son coming over for the night and evaluating this lump again.

-She came by around dinner time; nothing she cared to eat. Afterwards I did a fine needle aspirate of this lump and because she was so nervous went up to work to stain and look at the slides. Anyway, it was reassuring, but I said she still needed to get in and be seen. She thanked me many times and hugged me. Afterwards we walked the dog together and discussed it and what she should do next.

-After walking the dog, her daughter brought up an issue of my X adopting a baby. She said she didn't intend to, so her daughter was saying.."then have a baby". My X said she had no one to have one with. Are you ready for this Bruce? Got the mechanical pencil handy? I whispered, "how about me?" and then I talked about it a bit. I could get into all the details, but it didn't go over badly. It amounted to an apology, an understanding of what she previously felt, acknowledgement that we are divorced and this is likely both too late and not currently feasible, and about the ultimate statement of pursuit. She didn't get angry at me, she didn't say "what the h@ll are you talking about" or "too late", and she didn't jump up and run away.

Here's my thoughts on this. After initially kicking myself, I decided that I had been sincere (if somehow we find our way back together) and that all I can do now is monitor for results.

-today I set up an appointment for her (I know the surgeon and wanted to explain myself to him) and let her know that someone would be calling for the best time/date. That's about the extent of interaction.

Okay...bring on your worst.

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt