Well I don't think this update is great as I am still in WAW mode and honestly don't know if I want to DB anymore.

Andy was really late so I phoned him to find out where he was, which I hate doing as he should let me know.
We were supposed to be walking to the nursery together but he was so late that wasn't possible, so he asked me to meet him there.

I had a 5 minute weep because I'm so fed up of being taken for granted, then got myself together and went to the nursery.
He arrived and we went in together and I introduced him to the teacher. Then he drove us back home.
He and the girls looked at the boarded up window, then I told him about the nightmare and he was like
'Olympus Gabrielle? I think you're nuts!'
He asked if I always dreamt of him in a violent way. I said only in relation to the kids, and he looked awkward and shuffled around.

I was actually a bit of a bitch today but I've honestly got no patience for his WAH BS.

He asked for coffee so I made it in that mug I told you about 'Ran into my ex today so I put it in reverse and hit him again.'

He looked at the mug and told me he hated it. I laughed and said it was to get him back for trying to run me down in his car (it was said in a joking way). He smiled nervously.

I talked to the girls about various things and asked DD1 where she got her top from. It was like purple tie-dye, hooded, long-sleeved. Andy said it used to be his when he was a teenager. I said it would be cool if he wore clothes like that now and then I was laughing with DD's about how he used to have long hair when I first fell in love with him.

He said he was thinking of growing it again. I said
'What? With the beard?' (he has a beard).
He said yes.
I was thinking, I can't imagine you with a beard and long hair, you'd look like Jesus! But of course I didn't say that.

To make matters worse, he was meeting a friend to do a house blessing so their time with me was even shorter. I told him I was feeling taken for granted and needed more time to feel like we actually have an R, esp. with no sex happening atm.

He said up until he picks up DD4 on Friday, it's just manic and he can't. I pointed out to him he will be away on DD3's birthday and his birthday and I wanted some time with my family.

He said he is coming back on the 5th and we can arrange to go out to dinner then.

I said I was concerned at the lack of time and lack of interest he has been showing since the first ML and I wanted everything out in the open because I'm not prepared to pretend I feel great anymore. I want to be real with you like you said.

He countered that statement by saying that when he's online I don't speak to him (it's true, he can be up there all night and I won't say a word). I started to say it's not up to me to initiate contact (because he's the WAH), but he interupted me and said
'Yes it is!'
So I asked him if it bothered him that I didn't speak to him and he said yes. He said he didn't know whether I was ignoring him or if I was saving up all the times he has contacted me so I can fry his arse in court.
I told him that the reason I don't initiate contact is because he said he wanted space.
He said
'Yeah, but if I wanted space at that particular moment, I wouldn't be online, would I!? I'm there because I obviously want to talk!'

So I said okay, would you rather I initiate more and am more loving/expressive? He said it might help to know I was interested.

This is ridiculous. I think he's not interested and he thinks I am not interested! I said
'Shall I get down on my knees and tell you I love you and if you go I'll never breathe again?'
He said
'No, that's too needy. Try something more moderate.'
'Okay' I said, 'Will you please have dinner with me? Is that more moderate?'
'Yes' he said, 'I'll arrange it with you later, online.'

Then he started to say how I never went to DD2's birthday this year, so why are you worried about DD3's? I said OW2 was there. He started to excuse himself and I switch off whenever he talks of her, so I interupted
'Fine then, we won't meet.'
He said
'That's not what I said, I want to meet, and I said we'll arrange it later, online.'
I said okay.

Then he did this pouty face at me so I swiped him and told him not to be a cheeky arse and the girls all laughed.

Then they left and as usual I don't know what I feel.

Should I be online or offline tonight, do you think??

Jo.