Andy arrived at 12, came in but left the girls in the car.
I did not invite him in but he came in anyway. He looked completely exhausted today. I told him he was looking tired, he said 'Yes, I am absolutely shattered. I've been on the go all week and there's never just a minute to think.'
I was having trouble with my empathy so I said nothing in response to this.
He asked me what I was doing so I showed him that horrific article and we talked about that for a few minutes, while DD4 was finishing a sandwich.
He told me he didn't bring the girls in because he's got to go home and pick up a supermarket delivery and apparently they didn't show up the first time he ordered so he had to re order and the only time they could give him was today.
I said okay; I felt relieved that he had a genuine reason for keeping them in the car.
Then he said 'Actually Jo, I was kinda wondering if you'd help me out with the kids one day just so I can chill out on my own, just for a day, y'know, relax and stuff.'
I told him yes, but it would depend what day he wanted to 'chill'. He said we'd talk about it. I find it slightly ironic that he is now asking for my help.
I asked him to post an order for me that I didn't do, and gave him the money to do so. I told him about the helpline being on the BBC.
Then he said he would be online later to chat to me. They left and I waved to all my kids.
Those bloody nuisence kids have been back again and this time the little gits have broken my front window!!!!
They smashed it once, and then 2 minutes later came and smashed it a second time, pounding my house with rocks.
I didn't see which one is was and when I spoke to them, of course they wouldn't admit it.
I called the police and this copper came round this afternoon, called Andy (LOL) so I told him what happened. The trouble is, half the neighbourhood kids have gone to this birthday party so they're not even in to be interviewed.
He says when they get back, he's going to find out which number the prime suspect lives at and if she is over 10 years of age, he will arrest her.
If whoever did it is under 10 years old, they can't do a damn thing! I personally think the parents should be fined because if the kid is growing up unruly like that, it is the parent's fault for being rubbish at parenting!
Honestly, if my DD1 did that, she would be grounded till she's 30 - I would be SO ashamed.
Andy the copper agreed with me, but unfortunately the law is the law.
I have had to contact Amber Valley Housing (the place where I rent my house from) and they say they will board up the window and get someone to replace it, because I have a crime incident number.
Grrrr!!!!!!!!! Do I HATE those little sh**es!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I stayed up till 2am talking to Andy (my XH, not the copper!).
I was online as 'Jo - one window down.' so he messaged me, 'what happened?' and we had this really long chat about it. He was rather annoyed about it and encouraging me to make a fuss about it:
Andy {watching tv} says: what happened Jo says: One of the kids broke the window on purpose Jo says: twice Jo says: I can't even get them done for criminal damage because they are under 10 Andy {watching tv} says: what about anti social behaviour Jo says: not to an under 10 year old, all they can do is tell them off Jo says: I heard this crash that sounded like a gunshot and I realised they were lobbing rocks at the house so I went out in the garden to shout at them and no one was there, then the crashing happened again and those lads said your window has broken. I think they did it and just blamed someone else Andy {watching tv} says: seems highly likely Andy {watching tv} says: esp with everything they have been doing Jo says: it was done on purpose because the second hole in the window happened a couple of minutes after the first; they came back for a second go Jo says: they robbed me as well last week, and then the eggs, ugh Andy {watching tv} says: you are going to need to start keepig a record of all this Andy {watching tv} says: it is getting way out of control Jo says: I told the police Andy {watching tv} says: and Jo says: they are doing interviews, but unless they get a confession from an over 10 year old, there's nothing they can do. It's up to the parents Jo says: under 10 year old's are not criminally punishable Andy {watching tv} says: bloody parents want locking up Jo says: I know Jo says: It was reasonable until about May and then things have been getting worse. These girls about DD1's age and older were laughing at me and then one was imitating me walking, and they were all giggling and then they dropped their rubbish on the road Jo says: I waited till they left and then I picked up their crisp wrappers Andy {watching tv} says: you should report it to the schools Jo says: That's what my friends said, but I don't know who they are so it seemed a bit pointless. I've had that forever anyway, so I just ignore it, but I do get nervous for Alicia sometimes when we have to walk through crowds of them Andy {watching tv} says: it is time you got it stopped Andy {watching tv} says: they will give them a communal bollocking in assembly Jo says: If they do it again I will then. Some of them don't and others do. There is a deaf school round here so I am surprised at them Andy {watching tv} says: init Andy {watching tv} says: you should really make a noise about it Andy {watching tv} says: make sure everyone knows Andy {watching tv} says: its a good job alicia was not playing under the window Jo says: I told my friends. Sam just said get a taxi. I'm not bloody paying for a cab because of those wankers. I know, I told the copper it's a good job the girls weren't there Andy {watching tv} says: you should go to the papers and tell them the police are not doing anything to stop this or protect you.
As you can see, he doesn't like it much. I'm not going to the papers, though, as in my opinion that is over-dramatising.
He's going to visit his grandmother who lives 5 hours away, at the end of the month and taking DD4 with him. That means my whole family will be gone over 4th October which is DD3's 6th birthday I will miss it again this year.
I only had the first 2 birthdays with her, apart from the day I actually gave birth.
Also, Andy tells me that he has been summoned by his mother on the 9th October which is his 31st birthday so I will miss that too - BUT he did say we could meet up for the day on the 8th October to celebrate DD3 and his birthday together, so that's okay.
He suggested it. I was thinking of possibly going out to dinner with all of them, maybe Brewster's. They have 'Brewster's Bear' there, and an ice cream factory and my kids love it.
We've also arranged to walk to DD4's nursery school together on Monday. That should be interesting as the last time they saw him was when that car incident happened.
Sorry to hear about your window being broken, Jo! That really stinks!
I see so much of myself in Andy, in terms of him slipping into fix-it mode while listening to you. Did you find that annoying or was it just fine for you to vent away?
Hopefully they can fix your window quickly. I imagine that landlord/housing will take a stronger stand if this behavior keeps costing them money.
No I wasn't annoyed with Andy. It's a good sign with him because when he's in 'off' mode about us, he doesn't speak at all and either seems not to care or gets angry with me.
This is his caring, trying to fix stuff.
If he didn't respond like that, I would think he didn't care. I would have thought something like 'This has happened to me and I feel awful and you're not doing anything to help.'
I don't actually believe in feminism all that much; I think it is responsible for destroying a lot of M's and taking away women's power and men's masculinity. If you don't have defined roles within an R then you have chaos.
I think it is natural for men such as Andy and yourself to want to fix things as that is the way men's brains are wired and I think if men try to suppress that too much, they are just trying to make themselves more like women in their thinking and that doesn't work.
The only time I would view it as 'controlling' is if it is done 100% of the time and in every convo, the man jumps in to offer a solution without actually listening to the woman. That's when it would be a problem to me, but he doesn't do that all the time.
On this ocassion it was safe to vent, and natural, but it depends on the sitch and his mood as to whether I vent to him or not. I don't always.
I do get a bit panicky/defensive when he mentions DD4 and feel sometimes he is extremely judgemental about the kids, but this is my only issue with the way he communicates with me.
I think that while men should practise listening, women also need to learn how to accept solutions as an act of love from their man.
Jo, you have an awesome attitude about men. If Andy doesnt' hurry up, I'm going to fly over there and woo you away from him.
I'd think I'd died and went to heaven if I ran across a woman with that ability to empathize with men in the US. I'm not dissing all the wonderful female DBers here - talking real-world presences.
If he doesn't hurry up I'll hi-jack you from the university I just think that if men were meant to think like women then they would be born women. There is a reason you have a penis!
I had this awful nightmare last night, about Andy snatching the kids. When I was going through court, I had nightmares every night, now it's down to maybe 1 in a month, and always about him taking the kids.
In this one he invited me to a dinner party and when I got there, he had this baby which he put in my arms and said 'She's our DD' He said he'd named her Olympus (which from what I remember from my Greek mythology is the Queen of the Underworld??? Correct me if I'm wrong). I was really upset that I'd had a baby without realising (! dreams have ridiculous logic!) and said to him 'Why did you take the baby from me?' He started on about how she was his. I said why on earth did he called her Olympus??? and why didn't he consult me over choice of name? Then I said to my friend 'I'll just give her a second name and call her by that.' So I chose Gabrielle as a second name (let me guess - the feminine of the Angel Gabriel, right?) So there he is choosing Olympus Queen of the bloody Underworld and there's me choosing Angel flippin' Gabriel. How about that for a spiritual battle?
He let me look after her for a bit then he went to take her away from me. I said no, she's my baby and I'm breast feeding. He went away and left us in this house with really steep stairs that I couldn't get down, so I started calling for help, and this woman came along and said she'd take the baby, put her on a train on her own and in 10 days she'd be back with Andy. I started screaming 'get away from my baby, don't take my baby!' etc, but she took her and left me in this house I couldn't get out of. Ugh.
I woke up feeling fog-brained and am now having a large coffee to recover. I truly hope today goes better than that
The Queen of the Underworld is called Persephone, but all the Greek Gods and Goddesses lived on Mount Olympus, so maybe the Queen of the Underworld was also Queen of Mount Olympus and that's where I am getting it from?
Well I don't think this update is great as I am still in WAW mode and honestly don't know if I want to DB anymore.
Andy was really late so I phoned him to find out where he was, which I hate doing as he should let me know. We were supposed to be walking to the nursery together but he was so late that wasn't possible, so he asked me to meet him there.
I had a 5 minute weep because I'm so fed up of being taken for granted, then got myself together and went to the nursery. He arrived and we went in together and I introduced him to the teacher. Then he drove us back home. He and the girls looked at the boarded up window, then I told him about the nightmare and he was like 'Olympus Gabrielle? I think you're nuts!' He asked if I always dreamt of him in a violent way. I said only in relation to the kids, and he looked awkward and shuffled around.
I was actually a bit of a bitch today but I've honestly got no patience for his WAH BS.
He asked for coffee so I made it in that mug I told you about 'Ran into my ex today so I put it in reverse and hit him again.'
He looked at the mug and told me he hated it. I laughed and said it was to get him back for trying to run me down in his car (it was said in a joking way). He smiled nervously.
I talked to the girls about various things and asked DD1 where she got her top from. It was like purple tie-dye, hooded, long-sleeved. Andy said it used to be his when he was a teenager. I said it would be cool if he wore clothes like that now and then I was laughing with DD's about how he used to have long hair when I first fell in love with him.
He said he was thinking of growing it again. I said 'What? With the beard?' (he has a beard). He said yes. I was thinking, I can't imagine you with a beard and long hair, you'd look like Jesus! But of course I didn't say that.
To make matters worse, he was meeting a friend to do a house blessing so their time with me was even shorter. I told him I was feeling taken for granted and needed more time to feel like we actually have an R, esp. with no sex happening atm.
He said up until he picks up DD4 on Friday, it's just manic and he can't. I pointed out to him he will be away on DD3's birthday and his birthday and I wanted some time with my family.
He said he is coming back on the 5th and we can arrange to go out to dinner then.
I said I was concerned at the lack of time and lack of interest he has been showing since the first ML and I wanted everything out in the open because I'm not prepared to pretend I feel great anymore. I want to be real with you like you said.
He countered that statement by saying that when he's online I don't speak to him (it's true, he can be up there all night and I won't say a word). I started to say it's not up to me to initiate contact (because he's the WAH), but he interupted me and said 'Yes it is!' So I asked him if it bothered him that I didn't speak to him and he said yes. He said he didn't know whether I was ignoring him or if I was saving up all the times he has contacted me so I can fry his arse in court. I told him that the reason I don't initiate contact is because he said he wanted space. He said 'Yeah, but if I wanted space at that particular moment, I wouldn't be online, would I!? I'm there because I obviously want to talk!'
So I said okay, would you rather I initiate more and am more loving/expressive? He said it might help to know I was interested.
This is ridiculous. I think he's not interested and he thinks I am not interested! I said 'Shall I get down on my knees and tell you I love you and if you go I'll never breathe again?' He said 'No, that's too needy. Try something more moderate.' 'Okay' I said, 'Will you please have dinner with me? Is that more moderate?' 'Yes' he said, 'I'll arrange it with you later, online.'
Then he started to say how I never went to DD2's birthday this year, so why are you worried about DD3's? I said OW2 was there. He started to excuse himself and I switch off whenever he talks of her, so I interupted 'Fine then, we won't meet.' He said 'That's not what I said, I want to meet, and I said we'll arrange it later, online.' I said okay.
Then he did this pouty face at me so I swiped him and told him not to be a cheeky arse and the girls all laughed.
Then they left and as usual I don't know what I feel.
Should I be online or offline tonight, do you think??
I'm not sure about online contact. I like the progress you two have made with in-person stuff, online tends to make DBing harder due to the harder communication and ease of misinterpreting things. He seems to need work expressing himself appropriately with you, and that work will be harder online.
Then again, it might be a better medium for touchy topics like visitation.
I will miss it again this year.
I just think that if men were meant to think like women then they would be born women. There is a reason you have a penis! 
(it was said in a joking way). He smiled nervously.