Well I did take DD4 out to Lunch Time, Play Time which was fun for her and would have been for me except I have an awful headache so I reckon my period will come tomorrow and then I'll have to go to the clinic.
Posted my orders, did a bit of shopping, came home and DD4 was so tired she fell asleep on the floor and is still there now There are messages on my answer machine again but I want to wait till the headache goes before I answer them.
I'm off to lie down for a bit now while DD is still sleeping.
Quote: when I'm running low on love, I find myself running low on patience.
I can empathise with you, it is difficult to have PMA when things go differently than we expect.
Quote: Sometimes I just want someone - anyone - to give a damn about me when it feels like for years he insists it's all about him
Lots of people care about you Jo, but i know that still does not replace the Love you want to have with Andy.
Quote: I will just assume we are 'friends' and pretend he never said he loves me and just get on with stuff and see what happens then
I believe he does love you but not in the way it should be and not in a way you need to feel loved.
If Andy's OW/s comments are a relationship killer, keep telling Andy that OW can't be talked about while in your company. If he needs to talk about OW/s, tell him to talk about it with his life coach or the blokes he knows.
You might have to give him a taste of his own medicine and talk about some guy you had the hots/sexual or romantic interest in, and ask him how it feels when you talk about your former love interests or fanticies.
Timing, do it now or do it later. I know you want to donate eggs but will that whole process put you in over load and cause you to do or say something to Andy that will make it look like you are coming un glued/cranky/demanding. From a medical aspect, the process is more drastic than I have ever imagined. I am concerned about your health too.
I ask this because you say you don't have much energy left to invest in your R with Andy. I also hate seeing you to a point of giving up on something that at one time was so important to you.
I am also glad to hear you do things with your daughter/s and for yourself. I like you doing things that make you happy and able to continue with your life. They say happiness attracts our mates and sadness/strife drives our spouse away.
I'm not giving up on Andy and it is still important to me, I'm just extremely tired of the sitch and I'm cautious after the last time, and to be honest, being this close scares the s**t out of me.
I was hurt over the sex thing and pissed off at him mentioning the OW, and niggled over his lack of enthusiasm for my work and it just all got the better of me; I found it too hard to DB, especially since he seemed 100% unaware of how I felt.
I already did give him a dose of his own medicine on that front I told him via text that EX-OM paid me a visit, he text back 'what did they want?' so maybe that little nudge lets him know what it feels like.
On the other hand, he is not a jealous person and only ever got jealous once that I can think of. I remember back in 1997, I was having a coffee at this cafe next to my office and Andy was chatting to the cashier (we knew her) and this man walked in off the street and started trying to hit on me and he actually invited me back to his place! and Andy was standing there, only a foot away from me, watching this whole exchange and he was just grinning like it was funny, then the man gave up and left and Andy just laughed!
When I asked him why he didn't say 'hey you, that's my wife!' or get jealous, he just told me 'You are my wife and everyone else can dream but I'm the one that gets to take you home.'
He's just so sure of himself, he can watch other men trying to get me into bed and he's not bothered.
He was furious about my first one night stand with this Scottish guy, but that's the only time I've seen it bother him. He referred to him as 'Scotty Boy' so even mentioning EX-OM, I don't think he will mind.
Re the egg donation, thanks for your concern. Andy is worried about it and has questioned me on it and tried to talk me out of it as he says I've had 7 pregnancies and he's worried my body won't 'take the strain' (his words). Well, I am touched by his caring. This is one of the few times he's shown empathy for anything to do with me, and if I just stopped it now I'd feel bad that I failed the process so I am going to try the 2nd lot of drugs and if they give me side-effects or if the hyperacusis comes back I will quit.
He won't be around me if/when I have it done as I am going to ask him to have DD4 for a couple of days while they do the operation and by the time I see him again, I will hopefully be recovered. I imagine they will have to give me fairly strong pain killers afterwards, though, because of the VS I suffer with, but it won't be as bad as childbirth and I've done that 4 times. I promise I will quit if something else drastic happens.
Today I took DD4 to a dance class for 0-4 year olds and we used this huge piece of pink lycra to dance with, on and under.
She had great fun jumping about under this lycra and it made her hair stand on end! If only I had had a camera.
Then we went to a charity shop to donate some stuff as I sorted out some of her clothes that are too small, and we gave them away.
Then I got talking to another mother of a 2 year old boy, and found out she lives on my road. First time anyone has spoken to me and I have been taking her there for weeks.
Had a long walk, took DD to nursery school etc.
Secured an advertising deal (the company are paying me to advertise them) so I am well pleased about that!
Hi Jo, Sounds like you and D4 are having fun. I loved it when my D was in dance. They had a recital every year with glittery costumes, makeup and such. Once she found softball, basketball, volleyball, etc. though, she decided to be a jock instead.
Sometimes I miss having a "little" girl, but we have such fun together now that she's in college and no longer lives with me. Plus....she has a really cute and very sweet boyfriend. He went to the beach with us a couple of weeks ago and when he took his shirt off, my jaw nearly fell onto the sand!!!!
Enjoy these times with your D4. They're priceless!!!!
I know what you mean about them growing up fast. It seems like yesterday that I gave birth to DD1 and now she's 9.
Since I am only about 5 foot 2, she is already nearly as tall as me and she wears clothes that say 'age 12 years' on the label. She's into her boy bands, makeup and is already having crushes on people, much to my dismay!
This is the first time ever that I haven't had a tiny baby, in absolute years. I got pregnant with DD1 in 1995, gave birth March 1996, had DD2 in 1997, was pregnant in 1998 (lost it), had DD3 in 1999, was pregnant twice in 2001 (lost first one), had DD4 in 2002, pregnant again 2003 (lost it) and breast feeding until a few weeks ago!
Now DD4 is 3 years old and I'm looking around thinking it's weird not being pregnant or pushing a pram!
I am quite enjoying the freedom in some ways, and not having to get up in the night.
I had this really funny dream last night which I thought I would share with all you DB'ers. It was quite amusing but also made me feel really positive.
I was looking out of a window at this beautiful garden and I saw all these evergreen trees and this gardener who was tidying things and planting stuff. Then I turned back around and noticed I was in this really nice house, like a country cottage style house and all my children were there with me. They were showing me this catalogue which had pictures of wooden toys in it and saying which toys they wanted for Christmas.
Then Andy walked into the room and smiled at me and said 'It's going to be a really great Christmas this year.'
Then the scene changed and I was in this store looking at bridal clothes and me and Andy were trying to decide which colour the girls should wear. I told him I liked the deep red colour better than Ivory.
Then the scene changed again and Andy was sitting on this reclining chair, completely nude and I said 'What on earth are you doing like that?' and he grinned at me and then said in this really sultry voice 'I'm going to seduce you!'
Oh, it made me laugh when I woke up this morning
Here's how I interpreted it, but maybe I'm wrong:
Windows in dreams are the eye of the soul and usually giving you a glimpse of your life path or current state of mind. Evergreens are obvious symbolism, eternal life/love (because the leaves don't fall off evergreens).
Anything to do with Christmas is a symbol of family unity/reconcilation.
Nudity in dreams is more to do with the psyche and not actual physical nudity. Clothes are what people hide behind, the image they choose to show people, and their nudity underneath is who they really are and what they feel/think underneath, so I think maybe I was panicking unnecessarily about the sex thing and Andy not finding me attractive, LOL!
Don't have a clue about the bridal dresses - I think that's freudian analysis of wish fulfilment!
But nonetheless, I feel much better now. My dreams usually come true, so I'll have to watch out in case he really does try to seduce me, LOL!
Yes I am calmer. I think it's because I've had a few days break from him/the sitch and also I pulled off this really great advertising deal that earned me enough money to pay the graphic designer and proof reader without even trying, so I'm really pleased that I did that.
The guy didn't even try to beat me down, he just accepted the proposal immediately. How easy is that!? I should have charged more, LOL.
Am seeing Andy tomorrow and slightly nervous. I want to be friendly but keep my emotions in tact too.
I hope he's not going to be all moody and stone-like. I am better when he's better.
so even mentioning EX-OM, I don't think he will mind.
