Whenever I get S6 for two days, he usuallly spends most of the first day protesting against me/the sitch, then calms down with us enjoying the remainder of the time, with him winding up/shutting off just prior to departure. A lot of what you're experiencing is common to the visitation process. I'm sorry for you, though. I know it hurts. You and your DDs deserve each other.
I had some great thoughts about your R with Andy last night, and now I'm forgetting them. S/t about you deserving a true R with more balanced give-take, about the two of you enjoying mutual passion that most others only dream about, and the need to find deeper roots beyond that passion for true longevity. I'm sorry you're hurting right now, but keep taking care of yourself, and let him figure his stuff out.
In terms of life passing you by - Jo, you're still a baby. The 30's are the new 20's (or is it the 40s are the new 30's). Age is just a mindset, and you have a nice, flexible way of being that will help you enjoy life well into your 100's. Only you can decide how much longer to DB, but just know that your courageous struggle has not been in vain, and you'll be able to share about it to help your DDs and others more fully value Ms and Rs in their lives, as well as enrich your future Rs with this gained knowledge.
Thanks for your positive thoughts about my R with him. I never thought of it as finding longevity beyond passion. That helps.
I can't work out how much of it is me being depressed or how much of it is him. I do get these dips where my mood just crashes. Certainly I am fed up and mistrustful of the up and down sitch and disolusioned by his hesitation.
My feeling is, he loves me and I love him and the kids want us to be together so what is the problem? He says I simplify the issue. I say he complicates it.
If I could believe he is truly being cautious and he still wants me, I wouldn't have a problem with waiting or DB'ing, but there is this part of me that doesn't believe him because of the four and a half months he led me along last time. If that hadn't happened, I would be happy now. As it is, now I am just scared, and not really willing to be led along for several more months just to be discarded in the end.
Maybe I will calm down or he might do something to concrete the sitch a bit more.
I know I hate feeling like this.
The friend I was supposed to see today, cancelled at the last minute so I've just been sending work emails all day and doing loads of laundry and drinking gallons of tea to take my mind off it.
My period is due on 25th September and I've made the decision to continue trying the egg donation so if it happens on that day I will be off to the clinic to learn how to mix up the second lot of drugs. I will try the injections and see whether these sort cause any side-effect. I was only in pain for 8 days last time and recovered so I will try it. Then it will about 12 days after that, until the operation.
What is it lately? Andy comes back and says he loves me, Graham (EX-OM) turns up on my doorstep and the very next day, Ash phones me!
This is so great! We became good friends over the 2 years he was coaching me and then we just lost touch. Then he found my e-book and phoned me! He says he's getting a copy
He's running a centre for the homeless now and doing art. We talked about our careers and I told him the latest sitch with Andy. He asked about my children, and he told me about his step-son.
God has just answered my prayers. I am so relieved to have him back in my life I can't tell you how relieved I am I feel as if suddenly I have a new lease of life.
He's one of the characters in my book, if anyone has ordered one
Quote: I'm also thinking that since he's not initiating sex, he might just have thought after he broke up with her, 'help - I don't want to be with Jo after all', or perhaps he just liked her sex better than mine and that's why he doesn't want to, because he would rather have it with her......Maybe on the other hand, I am just scared and thinking too much
Jo, Andy's sexual choice is his decision. You can second guess until you are 80. From what you post and the way I think (only my opinion and I am a little different, but generally normal) I would say your sexual style is good to keep Andy satisfied for many years.
I do see a reason for your mood swings, but maybe your stressors in life are showing through and making Andy to go slower this time. If Andy "thinks" you tend to run hot one day and cold the next day because you are on overload right now, that might be a reason for him to not jump in the R with both feet. And OW do take time to get over. On my primary forum, it took one woman 6 months to get over OM.
You said your are affected by the stress all of the kids fighting causes you to have. This has to show through in how you interact with the girls and Andy.
I am being hard on you, not because you are at fault and Andy is doing everything right, but to point out to you something that Andy might be thinking.
I am in business for myself and have no employees. Every once in a while I ask a customer what I do that irritates them or is there something I do or don't do that is a problem for them. I don't ask because I like to hear I am bad, but to hear what I need to improve. I also ask what the like about me.
Back to your sexuality or feelings of being wanted.
I would say most of the things you brought up recenty about not beeing good enough sexually are mostly you borrowing trouble. From what I can gather many guys would think you were hot if they had a chance to be with you. But even that is not the answer you should take. Only you know deep down inside what your sexual feelings are like. Andy can't determine that part of you.
If you were with the right sexual partner that you both considered and acted on each others needs and desires, a two way street, that is what your sexual potential really is. Kids, money problems, work, relatives can all lower this potential. You have many of the problems so have to expet something less than perfection.
With all of that said, I still agerr with you. It is very tough to be rejected by someone you want to love and respect you. BTDT. And it is difficult to not be able to experss those feelings and have them returned to you.
It seems like there are two sexual beings in us. The one we get to use and practice with (our physical results self) and the one we long to be if given a chance and are fortunate to find the right lover, time, place, and what ever it takes to be happy. What we get to work with is sometimes much less than what we would like to have.
Quote: Maybe on the other hand, I am just scared and thinking too much
Maybe you are Jo.
From your first post I saw a woman that had a 5 year? plan, then when things got going and Andy said he loved you, I say a woman that was on the fast track and wanted a R and a family in short order. These are just my observations and are not intended to be critical.
I would want what you want too, if I were in your shoes. I am suggesting you be firm with Andy but I always wished you could slow down a little, not for Andy, but for yourself, so you don't panic and get in an overload condition.
Jo, I really am trying to have your best interest in my heart when I post to you. I am not always aware of some feelings you might have so if I miss somethings, well I am not there, I am a guy and "try to see things from a gals POV" but miss some things. Listen to other women like Jill, she has been through this herself and has the female insight i don't have.
Anyway, you are loveable as a woman even though you are younger than my daughter. You know dads have daughters and I think good dads want their daughters to be loved by their H more than they want that person to be a daughter. It has to be that way. Any other way is selfish.
Here is hoping a better day comes your way, maybe only a little at a time. Baby steps Jo.
Jo, you really do need to slow down and put the focus back on you, not Andy.
It's funny that Lou mentioned his D. I see myself wanting to mother you too. You're not much older than my own D. I love it when you're happy and getting on with your life. When Andy starts messing with you, I want to beat the crap out of him!!!!
Jo, you're such an creative, feisty and wonderful woman and deserve so much more happiness in your life than you've had.
BTW, you're still a baby.....stop worrying about your age. I'm in my 50's, have lots of dates and love my life. My XH and I split up at the time my D left for college so suddenly I was alone. It was mind boggling at first and it took me a few months to figure my life out. Now, I can't believe how much my life has improved. If I fall in love, great....if not, I'm happy with me!!!!
I'm not offended, not in the least. I don't think you were being particularly hard, at least that is not how your writing came across.
I realise it is Andy's choice if he doesn't want to be sexual at this time, but when he's like that he backs off from all other contact too and I can't even get a hug out of him. It's really difficult to deal with when you know that person has feelings but they are refusing to show them.
But then I don't really want someone sexually who does not want to; it defeats the purpose - but even that makes me sad , as I was always under the mistaken impression that I could entice anyone I wanted and if I can't do that with someone I married, I feel as if I'm letting the side down.
Maybe my estimation of what I am capable of is too high.
I think if the ML hadn't happened, I wouldn't have these issues; it's the fact that it did and wasn't 'natural' like it usually is - I just went into panic mode over everything sexual. I honestly have never had an experience like that before and it really freaked me out. It's almost like I need another positive sexual experience to put the other one out of my mind.
I asked him about it and he just said it was him, not me, and I was picking up on his insecurity.
I know OW take time to get over etc but I am really pissed off by the number of times he has mentioned her. He doesn't get that I just don't want to hear about his internal battle over her. If he has grief feelings for her, I'd rather he be tactful and keep them to himself. I am a human being, after all. Instead I am hearing all these excuses with her as the reason and it does quash one's desire to DB.
To him, it was okay because he's divorced. To me, he had an affair. The pain is still the same to me, as if we had been married, and I can forget it, but not if he keeps bringing it up. For instance, after the last time we got physical, and he was talking about needing time etc, he said 'Don't worry, I am not still sleeping with her, but she's still in my head.'
This was supposed to be a reassurance but I felt sick as soon as he said the words 'sleeping with her' - I just thought I DON'T want any reminders that you EVER were, even if it was a million years ago, and it just made me so hurt and angry I wanted to slap him. I was also insulted that he thinks about her, and if he does, I don't see why I have to know that
I can see he's trying, but he's just saying all the wrong things. The way I deal with it is to pretend she never existed and he's not letting me do that.
While he says he loves me, he's also making me so angry/hurt that my loving feelings towards him are severely under strain. That is maybe the reason why I just want him to commit now; when I'm running low on love, I find myself running low on patience.
And don't forget, I've been in this D hell for nearly 4 years now so going by my 5 year plan, that would give me 1 year of DB'ing left, or maybe 2 years, since I didn't DB to start with. When I'm in a low mood it just feels like I'm doing 'time'. You have to keep your PMA up really high to continue to DB for the length of time I have been doing it. I know I'm not right to rush him, and perhaps he is genuine, but sometimes I'm just so damn exhausted.
Sometimes I just want someone - anyone - to give a damn about me when it feels like for years he insists it's all about him, his feelings, his emotions, his wants, his issues, and I am really trying but I am starting to get pissed off that he wants me to care about those issues when what he gives back is so little in comparision.
Maybe he will change, but I'm starting to wonder whether I will still want him by the time he does.
I think I will just assume we are 'friends' and pretend he never said he loves me and just get on with stuff and see what happens then.
Well, the phone line has been MANIC because I was mentioned on the BBC and everyone is now phoning! Actually, this is good, as it takes my mind off you-know-who.
My PMA is up slightly since Ash called me last night.
Today Andy text me and I told him EX-OM and Ash showed up. He text back, 'what did they want?'
I told him Ash wanted a copy of my book and EX-OM, I didn't have a clue what he wanted.
I told him about being on the BBC.
He didn't answer that text; I am starting to think he really dislikes my career because whenever it comes up, I either get grumbling remarks or silence. Oh well, it doesn't matter. He was probably eating his breakfast.
Now I'm off out to post my orders and take DD4 to Lunch Time, Play Time!
I doubt that he's hesitating about your work. My guess is that he's wondering about OM showing up at your place. I imagine he's thinking about this a bit.
It sounds like your tough time continues. Please be gentle with yourself and try to boost your own PMA - with fun activities, some self-care and such.
The vaccination book is called 'Vaccination: Everything You Should Know About Your Child's Jabs.'
(It used to be called Everything There Is To Know About Vaccination, but the publisher changed the title - don't you just hate it when they take liberties like that? LOL).
It's not ready yet and I imagine won't be out until January/February time next year, but if you want to see the cover (and my XH!) go to:
Only you can decide how much longer to DB, but just know that your courageous struggle has not been in vain, and you'll be able to share about it to help your DDs and others more fully value Ms and Rs in their lives, as well as enrich your future Rs with this gained knowledge. 
