I'm not offended, not in the least. I don't think you were being particularly hard, at least that is not how your writing came across.
I realise it is Andy's choice if he doesn't want to be sexual at this time, but when he's like that he backs off from all other contact too and I can't even get a hug out of him. It's really difficult to deal with when you know that person has feelings but they are refusing to show them.
But then I don't really want someone sexually who does not want to; it defeats the purpose - but even that makes me sad , as I was always under the mistaken impression that I could entice anyone I wanted and if I can't do that with someone I married, I feel as if I'm letting the side down.
Maybe my estimation of what I am capable of is too high.
I think if the ML hadn't happened, I wouldn't have these issues; it's the fact that it did and wasn't 'natural' like it usually is - I just went into panic mode over everything sexual. I honestly have never had an experience like that before and it really freaked me out. It's almost like I need another positive sexual experience to put the other one out of my mind.
I asked him about it and he just said it was him, not me, and I was picking up on his insecurity.
I know OW take time to get over etc but I am really pissed off by the number of times he has mentioned her. He doesn't get that I just don't want to hear about his internal battle over her. If he has grief feelings for her, I'd rather he be tactful and keep them to himself. I am a human being, after all. Instead I am hearing all these excuses with her as the reason and it does quash one's desire to DB.
To him, it was okay because he's divorced. To me, he had an affair. The pain is still the same to me, as if we had been married, and I can forget it, but not if he keeps bringing it up. For instance, after the last time we got physical, and he was talking about needing time etc, he said 'Don't worry, I am not still sleeping with her, but she's still in my head.'
This was supposed to be a reassurance but I felt sick as soon as he said the words 'sleeping with her' - I just thought I DON'T want any reminders that you EVER were, even if it was a million years ago, and it just made me so hurt and angry I wanted to slap him. I was also insulted that he thinks about her, and if he does, I don't see why I have to know that
I can see he's trying, but he's just saying all the wrong things. The way I deal with it is to pretend she never existed and he's not letting me do that.
While he says he loves me, he's also making me so angry/hurt that my loving feelings towards him are severely under strain. That is maybe the reason why I just want him to commit now; when I'm running low on love, I find myself running low on patience.
And don't forget, I've been in this D hell for nearly 4 years now so going by my 5 year plan, that would give me 1 year of DB'ing left, or maybe 2 years, since I didn't DB to start with. When I'm in a low mood it just feels like I'm doing 'time'. You have to keep your PMA up really high to continue to DB for the length of time I have been doing it. I know I'm not right to rush him, and perhaps he is genuine, but sometimes I'm just so damn exhausted.
Sometimes I just want someone - anyone - to give a damn about me when it feels like for years he insists it's all about him, his feelings, his emotions, his wants, his issues, and I am really trying but I am starting to get pissed off that he wants me to care about those issues when what he gives back is so little in comparision.
Maybe he will change, but I'm starting to wonder whether I will still want him by the time he does.
I think I will just assume we are 'friends' and pretend he never said he loves me and just get on with stuff and see what happens then.
