That's why this time I am ademant he commits to the mature adult R I want, on some of my terms, or I am not entertaining him any longer. That's why I'm not agreeing to wait while he has 'time' any longer as I've given enough time, and it's not worth my effort while he's not putting enough of his own effort in.
I am happy enough on my own, and also happy when he treats me right - what gets me upset is the lack of consistancy, never knowing from one day to the next what is going to happen and all the while I am creeping into my thirties and putting up with as much insecurity as when I was 24. This panics me. I feel as if I am having an early MLC of my own.
I liked danger and excitement when I was in my teens and early twenties, but I'm getting too old for all that nonsense now. I just want to settle down.
And it isn't just Andy that unsettles me - the kids do it almost as much as he does without even meaning to. For every 1 time that goes well with them, there are another 3 where I just want to run because I feel so unhappy. I get really really down with them, remembering all the bad memories which were directly related to them, and I'm as mad as hell that 2 and a half years of my life went fighting for them and then I didn't even get them. I have this internal resentment that I can't get rid of and I tell myself that they are just kids, it isn't their fault etc, but still I find myself angry that I went through that.
I find it easier with them when we do stuff as a family unit (him as well) because then I just pretend I'm still married and he never took them and there was never a court hearing and as long as I'm acting in the wife/mother role then the pain doesn't surface too much.
I have a lot of issues to deal with regarding them, and him not being there would not solve those. I suppose an aim I have would be to have some kind of friendship with them that sticks. That would be a start.
For instance, I would like to be able to phone them without getting upset and I would like to be able to chat on msn with my eldest without my mood dropping.
They actually upset me more than he does, and I hate to admit that. Probably because it was more painful to lose them than him, and there is more of a stigma attached to being a non-custodial mother than there is to being divorced.
I did used to speak on messenger to them nearly every day but then DD1 put webcam on and I saw all of them at his house and it made me feel really alone and sad that they were there and I am here, and I couldn't handle the live camera so I stopped the msn.
I keep putting them back on and taking them off again, in the same way I do with Andy.
That's why I've been DB'ing the whole family as I know I have as much to DB with them as him - although now I've decided it's commitment or nothing from him.
