You've already gotten some great advice, but I want to put in a few thoughts here. Just mho!
First off; I almost feel like you're terrified of this stage as you feel like you are losing 'control' of your life. Andy doesn't want you to watch the girls until it's 'his' choice. That has to hurt. (Another ((((hug)))) to you.) And he is wanting to choose how this R will proceed. And he is probably intimidated somewhat by your success, hence no positive vibes about your books.
My advice then; (you can either take it or leave it!) Don't drop the dbing, this is when you need it more than ever. Keep your focus on GAL. Keep your PMA up and work on what your goals are.
I almost feel like you are more scared of opening up your heart to your dd's as that would be too painful if Andy ran again. Just take it slow. Remember that even if OW2 is out of the picture, he will grieve over it. It's not fair, but he may be a butthead for a while. Keep your focus on dd4 and you, but do enjoy the times that you can w/all your dd's. I know this is hard, but if he does run away again; it will fall on his shoulders that he's taking them away. Don't push them away. Take baby steps.
t/c Jo, I'll be sending you some positive thoughts today. T
I hope things are going better for you at this very moment. Hope you are keeping your chin up.
Life stinks doesn't it. It helps me to realize that everyone in this world has been hurt by someone just as deeply as I have been. Other people give me strength. Knowing that they have it just as hard or even harder than I do, makes me want to stay strong like them. You can do this Jo.
I understand what you mean by being tired of being hurt in the present. I feel that we are taught by society to get even and screw them before they screw you. How does the saying go, "Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me." Most people are not taught to have a forgiving heart. It is this mentality that keeps us confused. With that said, I firmly believe we can also become door mats and continue to put up with more abuse thinking we are trying to be forgiving. You have to make the call here. Are you upset because Andy continues to disrespect you because you haven't put down firm but loving boundaries. Or...is Andy trying to hurt you with his little digs because you are still making him pay for the past. This crap is so difficult and confusing!
It is scary to put down boundaries. It is hard to forgive too. Hell, I don't know what I am saying. I may just be rambling here. Am I making any sense at all?
I am busy painting which allows too much thinking to go on in my head. I keep coming in here to the computer to type new thoughts.
I think it is all about getting healthy boundaries set. Face it, all of our marriages stunk before and we weren't too good at it. I am sure that had to do with a lot of unhealthy boundaries. Then the WAS had to really mess things up and throw an even bigger wrench in an already bad situation. In this new relationship, we have a lot healthier way of thinking which requires healthier boundaries. Andy doesn't realize what your knew boundaries may be. In a loving and firm manner, you need to teach him. This is going to take a lot of strength and patience on your part.
I taught junior high for awhile. It was a frigging nightmare. I cried everyday. The reason I had it so hard was because I didn't set consistent boundaries. (I was very young). My principal came in my room and told me the kids are confused. You tell them one thing and then let them do another. She was right! It was exhausting to stay consistent, but it was the only way to keep things controlled. After I had set the wrong boundaries from the get go, it took even more energy to get things under control.
Andy is probably confused of your expectations. Maybe he doesn't know how to make you happy in this new relationship, and you just need to show him more consistently.
Also... I have been listening to the radio too much. I just heard this song and remember how I heard this song shortly after he left. The words went so well with my situation. I knew things already stunk, but he had to just go and make them even more complicated.
Avril Lavigne
Complicated
Uh Huh
Life's like this
Uh Huh
Uh Huh
That's the way it is
Cause life's like this
Uh Huh
Uh Huh
That's the way it is
Chill out
What you yellin for?
Lay back
It's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin in your car
And you're talkin to me one-on-one
But you become
Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turnin into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no
You come over unannounced
Dressed up like you're somethin else
Where you are ain't where it's at you see
You're makin me
Laugh out
When you strike a pose
Take off
All your preppy clothes
You know
You're not foolin anyone
When you become
Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turnin into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no
(no no no)
No no
(no no no)
No no
(no no no)
No no
Chill out
What you yellin for?
Lay back
It's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see
Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turnin into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
(yeah yeah)
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turnin into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no
I really CAN'T do this. I'm still crying and it's 8 o clock at night.
The kids fought all day and then DD1 hit DD2 really hard so I shouted at her to get out of my sight and she spent half the afternoon sulking in DD4's bedroom.
These other kids came and robbed me of DD4's toys which were in the garden and that had me in tears too. The bastards!!!
Andy text me 'is everything okay?' in response to my earlier text and to start with I didn't reply, because I feel so awful and so upset I felt like texting 'yeah I'm turning cartwheels' but instead I just text 'fine'.
Fine really means 'Fracticiously Incapable of Normal Emotion.
I don't have one ounce of strength left. I cannot make my family work, I cannot make him work, I cannot be a mother to these kids like this, I can't even see the screen properly.
Andy turned up but stayed outside because I hinted at it in the earlier text and I just handed over the kids and said nothing. He said 'You look really..' and was going to say upset, but then stopped and just looked at me awkward. He said 'Thanks for looking after them, I appreciate it.' I nodded and then he went.
Then DD4 was whining at me so I ended up yelling at her and then she heard me crying so she shouted from her bedroom 'What's the matter, mummy?' and now I feel even more guilty.
I can't go on in this situation, I just can't, I just can't. They've messed up the house and I'm too upset to tidy, I've got to answer the helpline and answer my messages tomorrow, I'm supposed to be posting orders and taking DD4 to nursery school and I don't want to go out
I will never be the mother he wants me to be, or the wife. I am not good enough for any of them because if I was I wouldn't have to listen to anymore excuses. I'm too tired, it's been too long and I just sick of being f**ked around and used and we all know that's what he's doing - using me.
He wants my time and my friendship etc and for me to rescue him with the kids when he's got no one, but oh no, he won't put a damn thing into this himself. I'm sick of his BS, of his emotions, of always being the one to put up with stuff when he wants it and I just feel like I'm going crazy here...
Don't make any decisions right now. Andy and the girls are gone for now, right? Just put them out of your mind. If he calls or texts or wants to chat, give yourself some peace tonight and don't answer.
Take a long bath, take care of dd4 and leave the house for now.
It is 8:00 pm where you are? You need to call it a day. You need to go to bed. You don't need to be thinking about any of this stuff any more. I think you have had a really long day. Get things with DD4 situated and start to wind down for the day.
This is just a really bad day. Who knows you may be right about everything, or you could be wrong. If you are right, you will feel the same way tomorrow. Take care and talk to you soon.
I know I should be in bed but I had to sort it out with him because I would have gone to bed crying, not slept, got up at 2am etc. I know me.
I phoned him and told him I wasn't happy, that I didn't want to get close to the kids just to lose them again, that I didn't want to get close to him to end up with a fat zero, that I was exhausted from loving him and never being fulfilled, that I felt sexually rejected, taken for granted etc etc and that he wasn't proud of my work.
He said he did desire me, it wasn't about that - but he had only been split up from OW2 for a week so he just wasn't ready. I told him I didn't want OW2 brought up all the time and why couldn't we just concentrate on the future instead of his previous R's. He again stated he needed time where he wasn't having sex so he could get stronger.
I stated that while he was 'getting stronger' my heart was fading.
He said he wanted to come round and share friendship etc etc in the meantime but I don't want that. I said not if it means I am open to being hurt by you again. I don't want to end up with nothing, and you are not proud of my work or my mothering so what is there to talk about?
He said he was proud of my work, of the achievement but he was nervous about the idea of his private life being public. I said what about the vaccination book, then? You were pissed off at being on the cover and that's a medical book, it's not your private life - if you weren't ashamed of me, you wouldn't mind.
He denied this.
He said he understood why I felt the way I did, but he needed more time, and he had to have what he needed. I said what about what I need? I have been putting everything in to this family for literally years and I am exhausted. I don't want to get all excited about this and then have him leave and have everyone say 'I told you so' and 'he's controlling' like before.
He said he heard what I was saying and would give some thought to how we could compromise.
I said okay, I will leave you alone to have your time etc and I won't contact you again, but if things don't improve or you leave it for months, I am closing the door this time.
He said he understood.
I feel relieved that I have set down this boundary so that it can't go on and on forever. I will know where I am in a couple of months, for good, whether it means we stay together or not. I hope we do, but if we don't, at least I have an end, a resolution to this sitch, and if we don't, I won't be giving him anymore chances.
The next couple of months will be the deciding factor for our R.
I'm glad you got the chance to get that all out to him. Sometimes you just have to clear the air. Take awhile to yourself and get yourself back together. If you can't do it, then you can't do it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. After all these years of loving him without any payback, most people would be long gone. You've shown remarkable strength and resilience, but you do need to think..."what's best for me".
I think he did a good job of validating your feelings. I hope he will see the light. Take care Jo. (((((Jo)))))
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I woke up this morning, still feeling awful but trying to steel myself to keep away from Andy until he sorts himself out, if ever and I managed to wash up the pots although I still haven't tidied the toys.
I'd just got DD4 ready for nursery school and was about to go out when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door, and my X was standing there!
Not Andy, but the EX-OM that I dated for several months during that year I was 'dark' on Andy. We met in August 03 and had a sexual R between November 03 and April 04. He's the one that proposed marriage several times.
I left him in April 04 because he was too 'blokey' and insensitive and he had a nervous breakdown so I was having to put up with his mood swings and anger and forgetfulness. He was on so many meds, that frequently he would forget a date with me. He wasn't vaguely romantic, and I hated how he kissed, but he was very good in bed with his techniques so he kept me captivated by him for 5 months.
I finally made the decision to end it when we had spent all night in bed together and then the next day, because he was on meds with this breakdown, he went to the pub, got totally drunk (which he shouldn't have done on meds) and then phoned me up being really abusive and horrible just because he was pissed (drunk) and up to his eyes on medication. Also I was just about to go to trial over the kids and he wasn't massively supportive because he had too many of his own issues, so I just didn't feel I could have an R with him.
I cried that evening, then I told him we were over. He tried repeatedly until October 04 to persuade me to take him back, sent text messages every day, phone calls all the time, begged, pleaded, asked me to marry him numerous times, asked me to have his baby etc etc, sent me emails asking what he'd done and why I left him - all the usual stuff that completely switched me off. The nore I ignored him, the more he would do it and it got so bad, he was affecting my helpline as the phone was always engaged. So I ended up having him cautioned by the police and from then (October 04) I never heard from him again.
Obviously I've been on and off with Andy since December of last year anyway.
I couldn't believe it! I just stood there and stared at him in shock. He said 'I bet you didn't expect to see me here.' I said 'No.' He said he just wondered how I was and thought he pop over and visit me. I told him I was okay, but I was just on my way out with DD4 as I had to take her to nursery school. She was standing next to me and he said 'Is that her? She's grown!' (She was 21 months old the last time he saw her). He mentioned his son is now 5. I asked him if he got the visitation dispute sorted out with his ex-wife and he said yes, it was fine now. He asked how my website was going. I said okay, I got someone else to re-do it for me using Andy's original images. Then he said 'Well, I'm glad you're doing okay. I'll go now.' And he went, then I took DD4 to nursery, and she was saying 'Mummy, I don't remember him!'
UGH. I cannot believe it. I am going through all this drama with DB'ing and Andy saying he loves me etc etc, now I've got EX-OM on my doorstep, evidently still holding a torch for me.
