I know I should be in bed but I had to sort it out with him because I would have gone to bed crying, not slept, got up at 2am etc. I know me.
I phoned him and told him I wasn't happy, that I didn't want to get close to the kids just to lose them again, that I didn't want to get close to him to end up with a fat zero, that I was exhausted from loving him and never being fulfilled, that I felt sexually rejected, taken for granted etc etc and that he wasn't proud of my work.
He said he did desire me, it wasn't about that - but he had only been split up from OW2 for a week so he just wasn't ready. I told him I didn't want OW2 brought up all the time and why couldn't we just concentrate on the future instead of his previous R's. He again stated he needed time where he wasn't having sex so he could get stronger.
I stated that while he was 'getting stronger' my heart was fading.
He said he wanted to come round and share friendship etc etc in the meantime but I don't want that. I said not if it means I am open to being hurt by you again. I don't want to end up with nothing, and you are not proud of my work or my mothering so what is there to talk about?
He said he was proud of my work, of the achievement but he was nervous about the idea of his private life being public. I said what about the vaccination book, then? You were pissed off at being on the cover and that's a medical book, it's not your private life - if you weren't ashamed of me, you wouldn't mind.
He denied this.
He said he understood why I felt the way I did, but he needed more time, and he had to have what he needed. I said what about what I need? I have been putting everything in to this family for literally years and I am exhausted. I don't want to get all excited about this and then have him leave and have everyone say 'I told you so' and 'he's controlling' like before.
He said he heard what I was saying and would give some thought to how we could compromise.
I said okay, I will leave you alone to have your time etc and I won't contact you again, but if things don't improve or you leave it for months, I am closing the door this time.
He said he understood.
I feel relieved that I have set down this boundary so that it can't go on and on forever. I will know where I am in a couple of months, for good, whether it means we stay together or not. I hope we do, but if we don't, at least I have an end, a resolution to this sitch, and if we don't, I won't be giving him anymore chances.
The next couple of months will be the deciding factor for our R.
