I've stopped crying now because writing it down seemed to help. My kids are playing in the room with me here as I'm calm now, and I got all of them food etc. I haven't done any activities with them (I normally do a lot of home ed stuff when I have them) and it's easier with them if I structure set times for set activities. Since they don't go to school, we don't have 'weekends' as such.
I just feel psychologically worn out so I'm not pushing it for today. I will just let them play and watch DVD's. I will do something more interesting with them when I feel better, another day.
I know I'm being too emotional. I have just heard it all before and I am so skeptical, it's hard to believe it or live in the moment and I know he likes the chase, I used to like the chase - but after all this time I'm sick of the chase.
The chase is fair enough if it actually leads anywhere but what if it doesn't? I am getting turned off to him chasing me, actually thinking I would prefer it if he didn't, because I feel like he's just keeping me as his part-time partner, unhappy and unfulfilled, while he doesn't have to make the effort. I want the chase to be over, that's why I know he has to be serious this time because I honestly don't want to waste anymore of my life trying.
I previously advised people to DB for as long as they were comfortable with, and I am definitely getting to a crossroads where I am no longer comfortable continuing with it unless I have some more favourable results from it.
He didn't see me in tears - that was after he left. I was pleasant to him at the door. The kids didn't see either as they went straight to the neighbours kids to play with them in my garden and didn't come and say hello to me until afterwards. I have been a bit snappy with them, but otherwise normal.
Tonight I will just hand them over and close the door. I know I am supposed to chat to him but I'm really not in the mood.
