I want to leave him. I just can't bear it anymore. My heart is just breaking. My kids are playing in the garden and I'm sitting in here, in tears. I just want him to take them back because I'm so upset, I can't stop crying and I haven't even spent any time with them since they got here. I can't get a grip of myself long enough to do anything with them, and I've got another 6 and a half hours before he gets them
I just can't stop crying and it's been an hour so far.
I already felt bad yesterday because no matter what improvements there have been, and whether he loves me or not, it just doesn't seem to be sticking. On previous times I always felt happy, felt as if it was flowing properly. Now I don't.
He's said he loves me for the first time, he said he wants an R, he's been buying me presents etc, but I am not getting the same connection I felt with him in these past 3 years.
He's ashamed of me as the mother of his children, I am just a babysitter to him and third choice at that. If he had anyone else to help, he would sooner get them. I am always, always last choice with those children
He hates my work - he said he was proud of me for doing that book but he's not really, because if ever it gets mentioned, he is always really negative about it. He never asks any questions about the charity or the helpline or anything, yet I am supposed to listen to his home ed stuff and his computer jobs for hours.
The new cover for my vaccination book just got finished last night and I was really excited about it so I told him about it briefly when he dropped off the kids, but he doesn't like the design idea (me, him and the kids against a backdrop of viruses) - it was not my idea, it was the graphic designer's idea. He didn't say he didn't like it, but he just rushed off, mumbling about why did I do that in an 'off' tone of voice. He's ashamed of me, of us, and especially of me being mother to his children If he wasn't ashamed of me, he wouldn't care what the design was - and he put photos of our kids on the previous 3 editions of that book, so I didn't think he'd mind.
And then what with the sexual aggression the first time we ML, it didn't feel like ML - he was really rough and very directional and then of course he had to tell OW2, so I felt as if I should pass that one off as a bad job.
So he breaks up with OW2 and says he wants me, so I think great - maybe we can concentrate on us now. Then we get close again and it's actually great and I'm relieved that everything was okay, then he hits me with the 'I need more time' speech. Well, it's ALWAYS something. First he used to deny he wanted me, then it was OW1, then he said he wanted to 'take things slow' and was worried what the family would say, then it was OW2, after her he said it was the kids and when I asked him if I could have them, he just said I had 'no authority' and that they 'didn't need anyone new to cope with right now' (as if I am new! I am their flippin' mother!).
So then he gets over that one and asks me to have them and I have to fight back my resentment etc but nonetheless, we have a nice time as a family and he makes more loving statements towards me and acts like my partner, yet it seems to me with a total lack of desire for me.
I cannot tell you what it is like trying to stay positive and loving towards a man whom I love, who says he loves me, who professes to want me but then doesn't.
As a woman and a lover, I feel as if I have had my wings clipped off - if I cannot elicite desire from him, even if it's only hugging, what does that say about me? All of a sudden I just feel like the world's worst lover and I hate the feeling.
I don't know why he didn't stay with OW2 if he is that bothered about breaking up with her. I am hurt, since he was only dating her for 3 months and I have loved him my whole life so you'd think I would rank slightly more important. I met him in October 1987 - that's 18 years now - and it seems to me as if all that time counts for nothing in his eyes, if he can get so flippin' morose over a woman he shagged a few times since May of this year! Even though she's not there any longer, she's still there, getting in the way of my R with him and the kids. I now have to compete against a fantasy, a memory!!
And I'm so sick of it. I can't tell you what this is doing to my sense of attractiveness and my SD. It has plumetted through the floor since we first slept together this latest time, and it hasn't recovered. I am struggling to want a man that doesn't want me.
Anyway, after his grumbling remark about my book, I just shut myself in the bedroom and cried, and I hadn't even seen the kids yet.
I sent him a text message to say I would have the kids ready with their coats on at the door at 7.30pm (i.e, that I didn't want him to come in the house).
Like that song says, he does all this stuff and then comes back and tries to save it with a kiss, and I always have half a heart to love him and half a mind to leave, torn between what I want (him) and what I need (a proper family life).
I really can't get up the strength to see him unless he commits properly. I am exhausted, I'm out of love, I'm tired of DB'ing, I'd rather walk away from him than carry on like this.
He has to do something, and he has to do it now, or I am gone.
