I honestly don't know what to do from here. I feel so WAWish it scares me.
I got up early, answered a post on here, then had a nose bleed and felt terrible so went back to bed. Andy and the girls woke me up and I answered the door in my PJ's - thankfully they were satin ones and not horrible ones.
He rushed off to his meeting and I had the girls for several hours. They told me about the baby's funeral and the tiny white coffin.
I showed them pictures on my computer of our town in 1890 so DD1 asked when the car was invented. I told her it was brought to the UK in 1904, at a guess. I looked it up on the internet and it said 10 October 1904 - that was a good guess. So we looked at photos of Model T Ford and stuff.
Then we looked through this history book (photographic history from 1900-1980) and I showed her the chapter from the 70's when I was born, and also from the 60's when they first invented yoghurt!
Then we did Muzzy Spanish because their dad does Spanish lessons with them.
After that I did housework whilst letting them free play and run about in the garden, and basically trash my house faster than I was tidying it!
After I finished my chores, I got them all colouring with crayons. Then their dad came back from his meeting and had to fight his way through all the toys littered on the floor.
He hugged DD4 and then asked me how I am. Then he made himself a coffee in my kitchen (I was already drinking one). We spent the rest of the afternoon sorting out disputes between our children and these 2 boys of the neighbour's. Then one boy threw eggs at our girls and left egg yolk all over my garden so Andy went mad and went round to the neighbours house to inform the parents.
The little brat had disappeared so the mother went off in her car searching for him while Andy and I stood on the street waiting for him to be brought home so we could reprimand him.
Then DD1 kept crying because one of the boys kept hitting her, so I told her to either play in the neighbours garden with her friend, or to play in my back garden where he couldn't go. She refused, she wanted to play in the street. I said no, she kept crying and wouldn't listen. Then Andy got mad at her and started shouting and she started shouting back at him and the 2 of them were having a screaming match in the hallway. I just said to her 'DD1, just do as your father and I have asked.'
Then I gave Andy a box of chocolates.
Then I went and cooked the dinner while Andy was supervising the kids and spending time with DD4. He carried the plates and things when it was ready and we all sat and ate together in peace, for a change!
After dinner we asked them to tidy away the toys which were thrown all over the house, in every room, and this is always a major operation with them as they just will not tidy!
Andy and I chatted in the front room while they were doing that - about the baby's funeral and the meeting he went to and what I'd been doing in the last few days. I told him I am going away on 16th December (it would have been our 10th anniversary if we were still married), to this campsite where they are having a Christmas Party for the kids and we talked about him buying a day pass so he could come and meet me on site for a few hours, with the other kids!
We got physical (not ML, but almost) and that actually felt great at the time (not like last time) but then he said afterwards that he felt we were rushing it too much and as he had only just dumped OW2, he needed a bit of time to breathe. He said that first we were together, then not, then there was OW1, then me again, then OW2 and now this and he feels as if he needs a bit of time to re-group so he can 'give me his best in a R' (his words exactly).
I questioned him on whether it was fear of commitment - I am much more direct this time, no hiding away like before. He said no, it isn't that, he just needs time to get all the previous BS out of his head so he can concentrate properly on our R, as it wasn't fair to only give me half an R and he wanted to do it properly this time and that meant dealing with his issues first.
I said Andy, I've been at this for so long I am tired. I need romance from you. I feel like a dying flower. What happens if my heart just dies and I can't do it anymore, when you want to?
He said that he didn't want that to happen and he likes my personality and loves my sex etc and he just wants a few weeks of 'him' time before he plunges head first into this R with me.
I said that we had got together and broken up times before and how do I know this isn't more of the same?
He said it's not like that this time because I do still want you, I just want this to be slower. I still want to come round here and visit and chat and stuff. I just think we should wait a few weeks before we get into regular ML, because so much has happened between us and I deserve better, and next time we ML he wants to be able to give me his best.
I said last time we ML was a problem and I was upset afterwards. Am I doing it wrong? He said it's not me. I am great at sex, that I was just picking up on the insecurity in his head and that's why it was different.
I said okay, we'll wait for a while on the ML, if that will help it improve and for you to have sorted out your BS, but know that this can't go on forever. I can't keep my heart open forever.
He said he only meant in the near-term future, because he was always rushing everything and making a mess of everything.
I said okay.
Then he asked if I would look after the girls tomorrow because he has another meeting. He said I didn't have to if I didn't want to, but he would appreciate it if I did. I said yes. He said he thought the activities I'd done with them were 'really great' - that's a turn up for the books, he actually complimented me on my parenting!
Then they left and he smiled at me and said see you tomorrow.
I am caught between feeling WAWish and feeling as if I have achieved something, and at the moment I don't know if I am upset or happy, or which feeling is the strongest.
