Quote: I love you very much. Keep doing what makes you happy and (what is) right. There are things that may make you happy that are ultimately wrong. And there are things that are seemingly + unquestionably right, yet make you feel terrible. Hence, Happy and Right must both be there as "content" and "lawful," respectively. - I'm starting the "Parachute" book tomorrow: to find myself something "Happy + Right." This life change that we're both experiencing is complex. I appreciate you not only for your work ethic, but for your devotion to the premise of not giving up, even though you might want to.
She wrote that letter a week or so ago.
Friday, I arranged to get a replacement for me Saturday a.m.(my weekend to work) so I could drive home and fix W's dryer. I arrived Friday night, and had the dryer working quickly. So Saturday morning I did some other things that needed my attention and squeezed in a quick visit to the YMCA pool to go swimming with family before I had to head home.
I didn't mind the trip, and felt a real sense of accomplishment, being able to spend time with family and complete some necessary maintenance. But Saturday p.m., things fell apart, I'll explain in my next post.
Last night (Sat p.m.), W left me a message, absolutely irate: "the dryer does not work at all. Call me when you get this and we are going to get on-line and order a new dryer, and I want it delivered in a couple of days."
I called W back and she immediately launched into a accusatory tirade of how I've always neglected her, how I couldn't even get her a new dryer like she wanted and had to try and fix the one she had and then speed out of there to run home to my mommy and daddy and help them instead of making sure her dryer worked.
I asked her if she had done any laundry, if the dryer had worked at all. She had dried one load, on the second load, it wouldn't start.
I asked how she could be angry at me for not fixing the dryer when it was working when I left. W replied that this just wasn't working out and she wanted a D.
The conversation went round and round a couple of times, including me hanging up on W and her calling me back at least three times. Finally I answered the phone talking - which was the only way I could get to say anything.
I said, "This is extremely difficult for me, since I'm so far away and not able to fix this. I'm doing what I can, driving 5 hours round trip to take care of you and the kids and fix the dryer, and now it's broken again and you won't even talk to me about what might be wrong, you just make me feel like my efforts don't matter."
W replied that all she wanted was my money and health insurance, that she would take of everything on her own. I told her she would eventually also have to take care of paying for everything she was buying on credit.
The conversation went from bad to worse. W told me she was going to the court house on Monday to file D. I told W I would be up tomorrow to get the kids and bring them to live with me. After W told me she was embarassed to be married to a farmer, and all I was doing was running back to my mommy and daddy; I sarcastically agreed that I did run back to my parents, and why didn't she do the same thing. W hung up on me. (W's father disowned her when she was 16, and W has "disowned" her mother as part of her recovery from her emotionally abusive childhood)
I eventually called back and S13 answered. I worked with him to troubleshoot the dryer and determined the motor had seized up. Found out that W was eve's dropping on our conversation, and told W and/or S13 to call me Sunday after they got home from church.
I'm ready to quit. I feel like W brings out the worst in me. That our relationship is based on W trying to make me feel worse than she feels, and I take it as long as I can until I break and say something that emotionally destroys W.
Really, what's the point? Am I just pretending to be married by letting W make me feel miserable when I should be determinedly focused on applying the LRT?
No contact at all would be better than these backslides of angry replies.
Spent weekend at W's home. Arrived late Friday night - said hi and went to sleep.
Saturday ran some erands then took family shopping for a new dryer. Went to Sears and got some good information about washers and dryers. W decided she "needed" a new washing machine too.
I agreed we should get a front loader washing machine, but not right now. I explained we needed to wait until next year, since money to pay for washing machine would be coming out of IRA and we'd have to pay penalty plus tax.
W totally ignored me and kept going on about how she needed a new washing machine. I told W I was not feeling heard, that I was agreeing she needed a new washing machine, just not today.
W said something about me not caring about her (again ignoring that I was agreeing with her) so I told her I needed a break and walked away. W called me minutes later on the cell phone and said, "okay, you win, we'll just buy the dryer, it's obvious you don't care about me and my needs so I'll just agree with whatever you decide."
I told W I was not coming back until I had a chance to relax and calm down a little. W said she and the kids would be walking around the mall and that I could do whatever I wanted, she didn't care.
After a while, I found W and kids in a mall store, and after goofing around a little, went back to buy the dryer. We got almost completely checked out, and then found out the dryer we selected was not available until after Oct 1. We cancelled the whole transaction and went home.
After dropping kids off at home, we went to Lowes and bought a dryer.
Took rest of Saturday evening to hook dryer up, changing rear exhaust to right side exhaust. I expected the change to be much easier, so this put me into a foul mood.
Sunday. I'm still in a foul mood - little sleep and dryer still not hooked up. I tell W I'm not going to church and ask kids, in front of W, who wants to come live with me .
I do go to church with family, and day slowly gets better. After church I finish installing the dryer and it works better than the last two we've had.
We have a great trip to the YMCA pool in the afternoon, kids take three of their school / karate club friends with us.
Settle in Sunday night and cuddle a little in bed, and start watching a movie. I start gathering my stuff to pack so I'm ready to leave for my farm home at 3 a.m., and I can not find my watch.
I knew the watch was on the kitchen counter, and that the kids cleaned the counter top after dinner, so I look every place the kids would have put my watch, including the "junk drawer". I spend at least an hour looking, knowing the whole time I should be spending this time with W, which doubles my frustration. After I finally give up, W starts looking, and even digs through garbage can, while I try to go to sleep.
Monday morning while I'm driving home, I call S13 before he goes to school, and he immediately looks in junk drawer and finds watch. This is the same drawer I sorted through at least three times, and W looked in too, but neither of us found watch.
Conversation with W Monday are good and we are able to evaluate our actions and reactions to difficulties on Saturday while dryer shopping and Sunday evening looking for watch.
not a great weekend, but hopefully some interactions to learn from and build a better R and M with.
This morning W called to demand that I get a different job that makes more money or she would file for D. I just said do what you need to do.
The rest of this post represents some of the conversation and negativity I'm getting from W.
Now W is convinced everyone hates her and everything is hopeless. She can't believe what we all believe. She can't get over her parents not accepting her and her whole, horrible childhood. She wasn't treated right, and now she owes it to that little girl she used to be to stick up for her, and say the things that she wasn't able to say as a little girl.
W is saying she is ready for me to take the kids and she will live on the streets, that she is completely and totally hopeless. That she can't fake that she believes in God anymore. The only thing that makes sense to her is to run herself into the ground, so she can never hold her head up again.
W is verbally working through years of pain and frustration and abandonment from her father.
I want to leave because I don't want to taint my kids. The way your childhood is dictates the rest of your life. I thought I could overcome my crappy childhood, but you don't want to work with me and I don't know what else to do.
Yesterday I told W I would probably have to work Christmas evening, but I could most likely come home Thursday or even Wednesday instead of Friday to make up for leaving early on Christmas Sunday.
W wasn't happy. Started by saying that the other person that does my job doesn't have kids, so he should work anyway (he has plans Christmas evening, hence my need to work). One thing led to another, and before I could end the phone conversation, W had decided she wasn't coming up for Thanksgiving anymore.
Today I call W and she starts talking about plans to come up for Thanksgiving and what food she should bring. It's as if yesterday's tirade never happened.
Last weekend we talked a little about how frustrated she had been - exampled in previous post. She said she needs someone to say that stuff to so she can get it off her chest and deal with it. That sometimes she does feel that way - but that she is learning to trust that I won't leave her and that she can say those things to me without being judged.
I have to remember to take care of myself, not to count on W to meet my needs, and to continue to identify and meet her needs so in the long run she will want to understand and meet my needs.
. 