quote Variously given as a pill combined with estrogen or as a patch, cream or injection, testosterone remains unproven as a sex aid . Meanwhile, it can cause oily skin, unwanted facial hair, a lowered voice and an upsetting onslaught of sexual fantasies .
How the heck can a woman have an 'onslaught' of sexual fantisies and not want to ML. Ahh the irony. Gotta love it. By the way, this was rhetorical. I get it.
This here sort of supports what my friends POV was after the kids were gone I suppose.
And why not? Without fear of an unwanted pregnancy--or worries about kids barging into the bedroom--older couples have much less reason to be uptight about sex
Jeese ladies give me a break! Maybe my choice of words was poor. I was NOT the one to say that only 5% of women are HD. So I apologise for my choice of words. I certainly hope that this percentage is completely wrong. My guess is that maybe 30-50% of women are HD. But again, I apologize for my poor choice of words.
Thanks for the apology. I think what many of us women are reacting to though, besides the poor choice of words, is (and I'm pointing this out again) is your attitude.
If you write something like this on here, that obviously so many of us found offensive, what are you doing at home that's turning your W off? Your attitude cannot just be limited to here on the BB. YOU can make a decision to change YOUR behavior in your M, and given time, that can change your W's attitude/behavior towards you too.
As someone else mentioned, you both seem pretty well checked-out of this M. That in itself can account for your W's lack of SD. Speaking for me, if I feel bad vibes coming from my H (bad attitude, anger, resentment, sulking, entitlement, arrogance etc)....that is a sexual repellant, I will not want anything to do with him sexually.
You and your W are both existing in this M, you have more important things to worry about than a lack of sex right now...if you want your M to work, and want to be happy in it...you have to rebuild your R with your W. YOU have to do this, because YOU are the one looking for answers and someone has to start the shift in this R.
It takes time to make these changes too...it won't happen overnight, and may not happen quickly at all. I imagine both of you have a lot of anger/resentment built up. What about scheduling a ME Weekend like others have mentioned? Tell her you want to work on the M, that you want for both of you to make a fresh start and try to get things back on track.
CeMar, if you aren't willing to make the committment to work on the R (and stop just dwelling on the lack of sex, which is what it appears like on this BB) You won't get anywhere, you will stay unhappy in your M.
What I'm saying is this....you are unlikely to get what you keep telling us you want, until YOU commit to working on the R, not working on her or expecting her to do something. From what I've seen you haven't committed to working on your R yet. You keep looking for a quick fix, a quick answer...there isn't one. You keep looking for people to validate that LD/ND people just can't/won't do something. CeMar, I'm here to tell you....because my H is making changes...thing can change, but YOU have to be willing to do a lot more than you are doing now.
The problem is what to try (beyond what I have already done). Since my situation is so similar to your fathers, what could he change that would then cause our mother to change to HD? I am facing the same situaiton with my own wife.
You said ("The problem is what to try (beyond what I have already done"))
But you haven't ever said what it is you've done. How can I make suggestions to you when I don't know what you've tried? Ok, you said you've talked...but you don't say what the convos are like, you give us no examples...so none of us can guide you on where you might be running astray in your wording of things to help your W understand you better.
This is where I see you sitting....you keep asking what to try, you don't tell us what you've tried, so we are left to believe...you aren't doing anything until someone tells you something that will work for sure.
CeMar people have given you multitudes of suggestions over the past year (I've been keeping up with your thread even through my frustration with you). I personally gave you a suggestion in my last post to you...a Marriage Weekend, you didn't even respond to it.
I've told you before find yourself a good C, if your W won't go...go on your own!!!
Now you ask what would I tell my father? I'll give you a completely honest answer. I would tell him to find a C and go, invite my mom (even though she's refused in the past) but go on his own anyway even if she refuses again. I would tell him...to knock off the condescending comments towards her, I would tell him to get that snotty-azz tone of voice out of his system. I would tell him to lose the impatience (he has infinite patience with other people, but if she asks a question he jumps off the deep end). I would tell him that if he can do that, that would be the beginning of rebuilding for them IMPO.
What I hear YOU keep asking is "what can I do to make her HD"...you don't seem to understand CeMar. She may never be HD, she may never have been HD. What you need to concentrate on is getting her to speak your LL, not on making her HD....get off of that!! Stop trying to change HER, change the dynamics of your M and that starts with YOUR actions, YOUR attitude!
I see you getting hung up on the labels of LD/HD/ND. I don't see you even attempting to understand that these are relative terms. Who gives a flying flip how many women out there are HD/LD/ND...you are married to your W not the population at large. What constitutes HD to you, literally what actions? What would she have to do in order for you to consider her HD? Chances are, those things that you would want are things someone who is emotionally connected to you would do....and they are probably part of your LL's. If she's not emotionally connected she's not going to be likely to do these things. If she does these things without the EC she's likely to resent you for it because she will have felt forced (no not phsycically) or should I say guilted into it.
Ok...ready for the bluntness here? Many of your posts (your latest and greatest infamous freak of nature one as an example) absolutely SCREAM of that tone of voice I mentioned that I'd love to just slap out of my fathers' system....it's that attitude I'm talking about, that many of us have told you about (REPEATEDLY). It comes across on here....IT COMES ACROSS TO HER TOO (Did I say that loud enough?) I can't be any clearer than that.
That attitude says..."I'm entitled" (Bzzzzzz you aren't, and it's a turnoff), "you owe me" (Bzzzzz she'll put up a wall), it sounds offensive (I don't know a woman turned on by that), it sounds impatient (gotta have it all now, many people will do nothing if they feel that type of pressure). You come across like you don't think she can do what you want/need her to do (no faith in her). If you don't have faith in her that she can do something, why would she have that faith in herself to try? For that matter, why would she have faith in you to try?
You two have broken trust between you, you have a broken EC..in fact at this point probably no EC. Most of the women I know cannot just have sex for sex sake. I hear you wanting this and it comes across as if we have sex the EC will return....Bzzzz again, it simply doesn't work that way. Sure if someone has a M that isn't as badly damaged as yours it "might" work for them...but it won't for you, I'm pretty darned sure of that.
I know you want the phsyical aspect of your R to return, but honestly...you've got to get your focus off of that for the time-being and concentrate on rebuilding trust and respect in your M, rebuilding those two things can begin to reinstate an EC. Who can give you the tools to start rebuilding the EC....a counselor, find a good one and start talking to him/her to get those tools. Once you start regaining that EC the physical part will happen. Why? Because both you and your W will learn to understand each other better, you'll form a better bond, you'll learn each others LL's...perhaps you won't speak them perfectly, but you'll do better than you are now right? But CeMar, you truly do seem to have tunnel vision where sex is concerned(even though you say you don't)...start transferring that energy to the R as a whole instead of concentrating on one part of it.
You asked for things you can do....I've given complete honesty as to what I would advise my dad to do and given you a list of things to work on or try what are you going to do?
The fact is while both of you have your one foot out the door approach to this marriage nothing is really going to change. Neither of you are truely vested in the marriage you are just coping until you can get the hell out.
You cannot do anything to make your wife HD. That is up to her. What you can do is make her desire you by being desirable. Only you have the means of finding what it will to make her desire you. You are the only one who can sit down and talk to her and listen to what she says. I do not mean talk about sex I mean talk about your whole relationship. As long as you keep putting so much effort into the sexual side of your relationship and ignoring the other aspect of a relationship IMO you are gonna be right where you are now. Not getting any/enough.
I do want to ask you a question. I have read you quoting the bible I have read you say that you are staying for the kids. I have read you rattle on about what your marriage vows include in your opinion ect. Now with this new thing of we are both unhappy just waitting for the kids to be grown so we can go our seperate ways thing. I gotta ask. Why don't you just have a affair? You have already broken your marriage vows of to love and honor from this day forward. You and your wife are counting down to D day so this day forward is a broken vow. So what is one more? And really if your wife is in the same place as you why would she care she is just buying time also. I mean if it is only about the kids you can just be roomates and go about your sexual life else where.
In another post CeMar you state with all that you have tried. See the thing that keeps us on your back CeMar is this we have no idea what you have tried. We know you think you are trying. But no one knows to what extent. I have been reading your post for months. And what I know of your sitch and efforts can take up less then a paragraph.
I sorta like you CeMar what little I know about you. But since the only references you make about your relationship is your lack of nookie discontent. It is hard to form a very clear picture of you. I see you as a sex crazed maniac who anoys there wife and does nothing but want to have sex, whine if she does not and gropes and chases her around making her literally hate you. All the while screaming pity me. Come one open up some and prove me wronge. Show us who you really are so we can at least have empathy for your situation. If not insight to share.
Cemar, Cemar, I got bad news for you pal. You aren't going to change her into the HD wife you think you want. Not happening, so get that out of your mind. Yes, she might...MIGHT...change herself, but that isn't going to happen either unless you reinvent yourself or she finds someone more accepting of her (in which case you wouldn't be the beneficiary), and even then it is a long shot.
So instead, you need to begin to accept her as she is. You both need to start talking to one another so that you can get to know each other's deepest feelings. With that sharing you can grow to appreciate each other, and from there you'll get a mutual reaching out to meet the other's needs. You are not going to get there without hard work and some baring of your soul. She might or might not follow, but since you are the one voicing your unhappiness, it is incumbent upon you to get the ball rolling. I'd say forget about the sex for now, and start talking. Have you scheduled your WWME weekend yet? Are you seeing a counsellor to help you reinvent yourself? Have you talked to her about seeing a marriage counsellor?
Bottom line, Cemar, is I'll bet that she is every bit as lonely and frustrated as you are. You two are probably speaking different languages and neither of you is making any attempt to LISTEN to the other. It is time for you to sh!t or get off the pot. What happens is totally up to you, but you have to be a real man and make it start to happen. I've watched your posts for about a year now, and you've yet to let us know what, if anything, you've done to change things. It makes us think that you are just a whining sissy that is afraid of even saying anything to your wife. Heck, Lilli even posited that you are really a handful of frat brothers at Yale having fun with the bb. Tell us it isn't so, Cemar!
It's painfully obvious that you aren't responding to your own thread here. You've asked for people's advice/comments....we've been blatantly honest with you.
You have nothing to say? You are on here, you are checking other posts...but you don't respond to your own. That speaks volumes about you and your ability to communicate with others.
