You said ("The problem is what to try (beyond what I have already done"))
But you haven't ever said what it is you've done. How can I make suggestions to you when I don't know what you've tried? Ok, you said you've talked...but you don't say what the convos are like, you give us no examples...so none of us can guide you on where you might be running astray in your wording of things to help your W understand you better.
This is where I see you sitting....you keep asking what to try, you don't tell us what you've tried, so we are left to believe...you aren't doing anything until someone tells you something that will work for sure.
CeMar people have given you multitudes of suggestions over the past year (I've been keeping up with your thread even through my frustration with you). I personally gave you a suggestion in my last post to you...a Marriage Weekend, you didn't even respond to it.
I've told you before find yourself a good C, if your W won't go...go on your own!!!
Now you ask what would I tell my father? I'll give you a completely honest answer. I would tell him to find a C and go, invite my mom (even though she's refused in the past) but go on his own anyway even if she refuses again. I would tell him...to knock off the condescending comments towards her, I would tell him to get that snotty-azz tone of voice out of his system. I would tell him to lose the impatience (he has infinite patience with other people, but if she asks a question he jumps off the deep end). I would tell him that if he can do that, that would be the beginning of rebuilding for them IMPO.
What I hear YOU keep asking is "what can I do to make her HD"...you don't seem to understand CeMar. She may never be HD, she may never have been HD. What you need to concentrate on is getting her to speak your LL, not on making her HD....get off of that!! Stop trying to change HER, change the dynamics of your M and that starts with YOUR actions, YOUR attitude!
I see you getting hung up on the labels of LD/HD/ND. I don't see you even attempting to understand that these are relative terms. Who gives a flying flip how many women out there are HD/LD/ND...you are married to your W not the population at large. What constitutes HD to you, literally what actions? What would she have to do in order for you to consider her HD? Chances are, those things that you would want are things someone who is emotionally connected to you would do....and they are probably part of your LL's. If she's not emotionally connected she's not going to be likely to do these things. If she does these things without the EC she's likely to resent you for it because she will have felt forced (no not phsycically) or should I say guilted into it.
Ok...ready for the bluntness here? Many of your posts (your latest and greatest infamous freak of nature one as an example) absolutely SCREAM of that tone of voice I mentioned that I'd love to just slap out of my fathers' system....it's that attitude I'm talking about, that many of us have told you about (REPEATEDLY). It comes across on here....IT COMES ACROSS TO HER TOO (Did I say that loud enough?) I can't be any clearer than that.
That attitude says..."I'm entitled" (Bzzzzzz you aren't, and it's a turnoff), "you owe me" (Bzzzzz she'll put up a wall), it sounds offensive (I don't know a woman turned on by that), it sounds impatient (gotta have it all now, many people will do nothing if they feel that type of pressure). You come across like you don't think she can do what you want/need her to do (no faith in her). If you don't have faith in her that she can do something, why would she have that faith in herself to try? For that matter, why would she have faith in you to try?
You two have broken trust between you, you have a broken EC..in fact at this point probably no EC. Most of the women I know cannot just have sex for sex sake. I hear you wanting this and it comes across as if we have sex the EC will return....Bzzzz again, it simply doesn't work that way. Sure if someone has a M that isn't as badly damaged as yours it "might" work for them...but it won't for you, I'm pretty darned sure of that.
I know you want the phsyical aspect of your R to return, but honestly...you've got to get your focus off of that for the time-being and concentrate on rebuilding trust and respect in your M, rebuilding those two things can begin to reinstate an EC. Who can give you the tools to start rebuilding the EC....a counselor, find a good one and start talking to him/her to get those tools. Once you start regaining that EC the physical part will happen. Why? Because both you and your W will learn to understand each other better, you'll form a better bond, you'll learn each others LL's...perhaps you won't speak them perfectly, but you'll do better than you are now right? But CeMar, you truly do seem to have tunnel vision where sex is concerned(even though you say you don't)...start transferring that energy to the R as a whole instead of concentrating on one part of it.
You asked for things you can do....I've given complete honesty as to what I would advise my dad to do and given you a list of things to work on or try what are you going to do?
