I think it was I that made the “porn for women” comment. Actually, it was a quote I lifted from our female C. She was alluding to some of the differences in the genders. She was talking about men being much more visually oriented and saying that that orientation is why the vast majority of what we commonly refer to as “porn” is directed toward men. We all know that it’s a generalization, but men are more turned on by the physical part of the act.
She then explored the flip side: what women want (sorry, Mel). She said that women’s sexuality is tuned more toward romance and feelings and less toward the visual and physical. I believe that what she said was that “in a sense” romance novels were porn for women. Where traditional porn is designed to push men’s buttons, romance novels are designed to push women’s buttons.
All things considered, I have to concur. It is true that men want and need the emotional side in order to have a really fulfilling SL – this board offers plenty of proof of that. It’s also true that emotion and romance alone aren’t enough for women. But generally speaking, men are more visceral and women more emotional. Romance novels may not be porn as we commonly define it, but nonetheless, it is designed to play to what women find sexually alluring, just as traditional porn is designed to play to what men find sexually exciting.
I also believe that romance novels have the potential to cause just as much damage as does traditional porn. Women complain that porn is demeaning to women. That it dehumanizes them and presents as normal, a physical and sexual standard that “real” women simply can’t live up to. The same can be said for romance novels. The protagonist is almost invariably tall, handsome, muscular, rich, and fabulously successful at virtually everything he tries to do. He’s frequently a rogue (the bad boy thing?) and always exudes the confidence that’s been talked about so much on this board. And, of course, he’s desperately in love with the heroine and is constantly having to struggle to maintain control over both his thoughts and actions. IOW, this guy is the perfect embodiment of what women want. He creates a standard which very few of us have any chance of meeting.
The trick here is in not letting what you use for entertainment skew your perception of reality. You can view porn and realize that it’s not an accurate depiction of reality. All women aren’t like that and you’re not being cheated if your W isn’t Jenna Jameson. Likewise, you can read romance novels and still not feel cheated because your H isn’t some devilishly handsome, successful rogue who also just happens to be a duke or an earl of something or other. But like so many other things, if you already have problems in that area, and if you use them as a crutch or an escape into fantasy, you could create or exacerbate existing problems.
Now I have to give the standard disclaimer. I, personally, have some questions about romance novels in my own M. As you all know, my W has an aversion to sex that predates me. I’ve told you about the “gross” couple. I’ve told you about her comments about oral. I’ve told you about her reactions to any depiction of sex in visual media. Yet she’s an absolutely voracious reader of romance novels, which even when they’re not explicit, positively drip with desire and passion. So while I’m not bothered by the books themselves, they do point to something troubling in my own R. I might not be totally objective.
